There were 216 spoof news stories published in July 2018. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
Barbie Loves Her New Incarnation
Meet Robotics Engineer Barbie, launched just last month. Gone are the high heels and elaborate outfits. Now Barbie wears sneakers and really loves them. "I'm almost 60 years old and into comfort," she has said, continuing, "jeans, a T shirt, and a...
Read full storyAlarm Clock Stopped At 01:32
An alarm clock owner in the Cambodian second-city of Battambang has told of how he awoke late this morning, after his normally-reliable alarm clock failed to wake him up at the normal agreed time. Moys Kenwood, 55, sets his gray-colored Tesco alar...
Read full storyRain Nearly Washed Town Away
Freakish weather conditions in the Battambang area Thursday meant there was a damp start to the day for one Englishman living in the area. Moys Kenwood, 55, reported how he awoke to the sound of cats and dogs falling on the metallic roof of his ba...
Read full storyKiller Bees Responsible For Butterfly Extinction
A team of researchers has concluded that the fate of a species of butterfly was decided by a particularly aggressive type of Killer Bee. Research into the Emperor Penguin butterfly had told experts that the species was close to extinction, and, in...
Read full storyGame's Instructions Are Not Easy To Understand
A children's memory game purchased in Bangkok but - crucially - made in China, contains a set of instructions that can only reasonably be described as 'bewildering' The game, Clever Friend by Dongba Toys, was bought at Tang Hua Seng by English tea...
Read full storyMan Went To Tesco At 3am 'To See What It Would Be Like'
A man with little better to do than visit supermarkets in the middle of the night, has recounted how he visited his local Tesco Superstore at 3am one morning - just to see what it would feel like! Moys Kenwood, 55, told of how, in September 2017,...
Read full storyMillipede With 1,000 Legs Found
In the very first case of its kind, a man in Battambang has discovered a millipede that actually has what its name suggests it should have - 1,000 legs! Moys Kenwood, 55, was in his bathroom taking a dump, when a chance glance at the floor, mid-c...
Read full storyHumanity’s last hope questions Eldritch Council's logic
Young man Darren Radthorp, recently discovered to be the reincarnation of the Saverine, defeater of Lord Ulmoch, has been reportedly questioning the logic of the great Eldritch Council which claims he must face a resurgent Ulmoch alone. “I mean,...
Read full storyIvanka Trump Will Start Selling Designer Cages for Border Kids
Trump Tower, NY Trump's daughter, Ivanka, who recently shuttered her clothing line because she was "too busy" (all the stores stopped selling it), announced that she will start the Ivanka Trump Designer Cage Co. "We just thought it was an idea who...
Read full storyWhere are they now? Keith Chegwin's Penis
Go on, admit it. You know you did, but you don't want anyone to know. You are one of the millions who tuned into the Naked Jungle in June 2000 just to have a butcher's at cheeky chappy Cheggers' little winkle. You weren't disappointed. There he was just like a man-baby, not a hair in sight, so cute, with his little pink chubby body and his tiny baby willy. Heart warming. Keith later said it wa...
Read full storyIt's Back! The Monobrow Leaves Men Gasping for it and more...
Comely adult film star Felicity Fellatio admitted today that following rave reviews for her new look, she no longer resorted to electrolysis, plucking, shaving, creams or any form of depilation and claimed that men are loving it. Felicity spoke ex...
Read full storyTrump’s Wall Falling Down
In a few months, following Trump's removal from office, his border wall will also be removed. Drum roll! The committee for the Restoration of America is planning a four-day celebration to commemorate the takedown. While heads of state are eage...
Read full storyThe Beatles In 'Comeback' Shock
There was amazing and exciting news for fans of The Beatles today when, in an impromptu press conference in Liverpool, Sir Paul McCartney proudly announced that the 'world's most influential band' is to make a comeback - with just him in it! Ther...
Read full storyTrump's dentures modified to avoid misspeaks
As the perils of enunciation smacked in the face of President Trump at his press conference with President Putin in Russia, misspeak has now enhanced fake news as Donald's pet pieces of nomenclature for the imparting of data and official information.
Read full storyGame Of Thrones Peter Dinklage Dreams Of Growing Up
Actor Peter Dinklage, who plays Tyrion Lannister in the fantasy HBO drama 'Game of Thrones', has started to grow up, it has been reported. The one-time data processing clerk was born with achondroplasia, a common form of dwarfism, and, until as la...
Read full storyNashville Man Sees an Angel and Friends and Family Have No Trouble Believing Him
Early yesterday morning while taking his dog on a walk in the woods outside his house, 54-year-old Bert Holeman of Nashville, Tennessee, hardly expected to encounter an angel – but that's precisely what happened. “It was wild,” recounted Bert. “Th...
Read full storyStock Market Collapses
As an amazing run of poor luck continued on the Stock Market, traders were left facing 'total ruin' after high winds yesterday blew the stalls down. The 'early forecast' had been good, but squally showers mid-morning, and strong breezes coming fro...
Read full storyTrump Sees Ant-Man and Wasp Movie and Wants Scientists to Build Him a Super-Suit
Mir-A-Lago, FL President Trump tweeted today that America's scientists are way behind where they should be. "Why haven't our scientists invented something like Ant-Man's little cars or an Iron Man suit like in the movies? I think, as President, I...
Read full storyPaul McCartney Cavern Club Gig A Wash-Out
It was to be the showbiz event of the year, but Sir Paul McCartney's one-off appearance at Liverpool's Cavern Club after a gap of more than 60 years last Thursday, fell flat when nobody turned up. The performance was ticket-only, and the superstar...
Read full storyBatman is a lesbian!
In the latest Batman US TV series it seems that several transgender, gay, and lesbian issues have been upgraded to adapt to modern times (apart from down south where Rednecks tend to be straight and only have John Wayne and Clint Eastwood as their he...
Read full storyTrump Combover Now UK's Most Requested Style At Hairdressing Salons
There may have been protests last Friday in London and around the UK, but US President Donald Trump also has his admirers, as has been proven at hairdressing salons up and down the country, with haircuttists saying that the 'Trump combover' is the st...
Read full storyNFL Bans Trump From Going To or Even Watching NFL Games
"President Trump is no longer welcome in any NFL facility" a representative from the NFL Commissioner's office announced. "We have found that his presence is just too disruptive for the players. The owners don't really give a fig what the players do...
Read full storyLocal Pie Thief located, killed in violent shootout
After weeks of investigation local man Lawerance Oddert, father of three, was killed in a violent shootout with police after stealing a pie that was cooling on old Miss Tennanbaums window sill. The police first started suspecting Oddert when he refus...
Read full storyNo "mutts" at the Butt Hutt
Hollywood, CA. - Is it pure greed or pure breed? Better be sure if you want to shop at this establishment. "They stopped me at the door and asked me if I had a current DNA profile for my dog. Are you kidding me? Sorry they said... no mutts allowed...
Read full storyHull Fair Ghost Train Is Haunted
A major attraction at the site of the largest travelling funfair in Europe is under the watchful eyes of ghostwatchers today, after an unexplained occurrence at Hull Fair. Hull Fair first appeared in the city in 1278, and then annually from 1293.
Read full storyTV Set Killed Man
Police in Fort Lauderdale say the death of a man in his seventies was caused by his TV set, and have charged the appliance with homicide. The man, Gordon Binfield, 74, had lived alone since his wife died in 1983, and, having few friends, rarely l...
Read full storyMan Produced Fart That Lasted About 25 Seconds
A teacher has told of how an enormous build-up of gas in his intestine led to him releasing a fart that lasted about 25 seconds. Moys Kenwood, 55, had been sitting at a computer, planning a lesson for about one hour, when he felt that he needed t...
Read full storyAncient Vampire Who Yearns for Death Reviews Oceans 8
900 year old vampire Ardith Dartan, who wishes for nothing more than to finally be freed from his wretched existence, shared his thoughts about the latest film in the long running Oceans series. “I found the heist to be less interesting than the...
Read full storyStock Market Disaster
There was panic amongst traders and investors in all sectors this afternoon when, after a fairly steady opening, the Stock Market crashed. The market, comprising nine units selling a variety of clothing, footwear, housewares, cleaning products, fo...
Read full storyAstronomers discriminate against trans-Neptunian objects
For years, astronomers have shown a preference for studying the eight main planets of the solar system, disregarding "almost everything beyond Uranus" as famous astronomer Edwin Hubble once said. Yet now, a new movement is aiming to overcome these...
Read full storyTrump Not Sure About Whether He's Sure About Russia Or Not
In a frank and honest statement earlier today, President Trump has admitted that he isn't sure about whether or not he's sure about Russia's involvement, or non-involvement, in the Meddlinggate crisis. Mr Trump, looney, was speaking at a White Hou...
Read full storyCollege Student Takes a Dump and Then Makes His Roommates Look at It
Cockland University. Roy Bunders, 20, took a dump so incredibly big last Thursday that he immediately felt the need to show it to his roommates. "I had just eaten at the cafeteria, and I felt the urgent need to go to the restroom," he said.
Read full storyNew Toothpaste Has Controversial Name
A new toothpaste that, it's been claimed, offers extraordinary and revolutionary dental health protection, is at the center of a war of words between dentists - over its name, KUNNY. The toothpaste, which has come through much stringent testing wi...
Read full storyExperts Confirm Kim Jong-Un Once Adorable Asian Baby
Earlier this morning, White House officials addressed the nation in a press conference and confirmed that Kim Jong-Un, leader of the most tyrannical government in the world, was once an adorable Asian baby. The shocking evidence disproves the commonl...
Read full storyElon Musk's latest invention: a paedo sniffer
The world of criminal investigation was cockahoop today after billionaire fish-faced eccentric Elon Musk revealed his latest invention. At a press conference, Musk wore one of his new prosthetic noses and was able to identify three members of the pre...
Read full storyEastEnders Adam Woodyatt Changes Name To Ian Beale
In a move which some will say was inevitable, the 'EastEnders' star Adam Woodyatt, who plays Ian Beale, has changed his name to Ian Beale. Woodyatt, or 'Beale', has played 'Ian' since the show was first aired in 1985, and has come to think of hims...
Read full storyHarry Maguire Turns Down Manchester United Move As He Fucking Hates Them
Harry Maguire, the Leicester City and England defender, has turned down the opportunity to join Manchester United, saying he fucking hates them. Maguire, 25, was born in Sheffield, and has always been a Sheffield United supporter. As such, there...
Read full storyMan Answered Call From Caller Who Had Called Wrong Number
There was 'annoyance in the air' in East Yorkshire this morning, when a man answered his telephone, only to discover that the person who was calling had dialled his number by mistake, and had intended to call someone else. The man, Moys Kenwood, f...
Read full storyTommy Robinson Band To Re-release 'I Shall Be Released'
Tommy Robinson, the founder of the English Defence League, who is currently serving a 13-month prison sentence after being found guilty of contempt of court, has reformed his seventies punk band, and will release a new single tomorrow. The Tom Rob...
Read full storyEloon Musk Set To Send 1 Million Dairy Cows To Mars To Re-establish Atmosphere On The Red Planet
Eloon Musk today purchased several thousand head of Jersey dairy cattle, some yet to be born, with the promise to breed up to 6 million to send a constant stream of the bovines to the planet surface of Mars. Each cow would be equipped with its own...
Read full storyDonald Trumps Pay Your Age Build a Wall Offer Falls Flat
POTUS Donald Trumps latest scheme to build a wall between the USA and Mexico has fallen flat after no one turned up. The hapless President had picked up the idea from the famous Build A Bear company, whose Pay Your Age offer was massively over sub...
Read full storyEastEnders Phil And Grant Team Up For Violent TV Series
'EastEnders' brothers Phil and Grant Mitchell have been lined up to star in a new BBC drama show where the pair are constantly trying to seek out and kill fellow Albert Square resident Ian Beale, who has gone on the run. It's the first spin-off fr...
Read full storyEastEnders Pair Are The Best Of Friends Offscreen
It's been reported that the onscreen rivalry between EastEnders actors Adam Woodyatt and Steve McFadden, who play Ian Beale and Phil Mitchell respectively, could not be further from the truth, and the two are the best of friends when filming is over.
Read full storyPoldark fan angry to learn that her husband likes Demelza
Lorraine Johnson, like many people likes watching Poldark, for its intrigue, well drawn characters, scenery and easy on the eye cast was angered by the fact that her husband Gary only watches it for Demelza. 'Imagine my surprise' said Lorraine 'wh...
Read full storyDemi Lovato Conscious Again After Publicity Stunt
US singer Demi Lovato, who was reported as having been taken into hospital on Tuesday, after a 'Publicity Stunt Overdose' (PSO) is said to be 'recovering well', and is expected to be fleecing fans again soon. Lovato, 25, who was on the road with h...
Read full storyBoy Hurt After Putting His Head In Alsation Dog's Mouth
A boy who had, only days before, watched a crocodile show where a man put his head inside a crocodile's mouth, was injured at the weekend when he put his own head inside the mouth of his family's pet, an Alsation dog. Bobby, 6, had been to the cro...
Read full storyFat Boy, 6, Sits On Computer Chair, And Smashes It Beyond Recognition
There was hysterical laughter aplenty at one school in Battambang this morning, when a student sat down rather too heavily on a computer chair, whereupon it disintegrated underneath him. The boy, aged 6, and weighing around 150lbs, was waiting to...
Read full storyThe Mona Lisa: What's So Good About It?
Beauty: it's all in the eye of the beholder, isn't it? What you think is beautiful, might not have quite the same effect on someone else, and vice-versa. It's true, right? Marmite is something else that divides us. Love it or hate it, that's what they say. And art, a subject that is, to say the least, 'contentious', is in a similar vein. You either appreciate it, or you don't. Probably t...
Read full storyLittle Chef Boss Sees Brexit Dividend from No Deal Chaos
Little Chef chairman, ardent Brexiteer, Conservative party donor, tax exile and fast food entrepreneur, Sir Tom Arto-Ketchup spoke out today about his hopes for a Brexit Dividend as a result of a no deal Brexit and Operation Stack bringing the roads...
Read full storyPutin and Kim Jong-Un Set Up Play Date Without Inviting Trump
Mar-A-Lamo, FL President Trump is waiting by the phone ever since he found out the leaders of North Korea and Russia are scheduling secret meetings behind his back. "It's probably just a misunderstanding. I know Kim and Vlad probably invited me, b...
Read full storyBritish Woman Impaled on US Beach
A British woman was left in spasms of ecstasy on a beach at Seaside Heights in Ocean County, New Jersey, today when a freak accident caused an umbrella to impale her. Velvet Cunningham was innocently sunbathing in a two piece bikini when the beach...
Read full storyScamatology to Sue NXIVM For Stealing Cult Procedures
Clearlymental, FL The Cherch of Scamatology today filed suit against the NXIVM cult for plagiarism, stealing company secrets, and a wide range of other offenses. "Separating cult members from their family if they object to the cult-WE invented tha...
Read full storyBaseball's Next 300 Game Winner... Should Retire at 299
As major league baseball pauses for its annual All Star break, let's also pause to wonder who's the next 300 game winner, or will there ever be another one? My advice to the two pitchers closest to that mark - Bartolo Colon of the Rangers [245] an...
Read full storyMan Followed Through
There was an embarrassing situation to deal with for one man this morning, after a fart he attempted to release from between his buttocks, turned into something more serious, and he followed through. The incident happened in a bank in Battambang w...
Read full storyNeymar Offered 'Role' In EastEnders
Brazilian footballer Neymar has been wowing the crowds at the World Cup in Russia with some stunning performances, and 2 goals so far, but the fans are not the only people the 26-year-old has been impressing. Executives at the BBC have been meetin...
Read full storyYoung Wisconsin Man Decides Not To Exercise In The Gym After Work
Knobville, Wisconsin. Police and town officials sent out a massive search party for young Steven Pubes when it was noticed that he was not in the gym last Monday. Steven, 23, usually goes to a local gym called "The Big Load" every Monday, Wedne...
Read full storyRSPCA Threat to Take Schrödinger's Cat Dead or Alive
Renowned Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger was outraged this morning when he heard that RSPCA inspectors intended to raid his laboratory in an attempt to seize his cat, Tiddles, after allegations of animal cruelty. An exasperated Tiddles spoke...
Read full storyHairy female armpits banned at The Nutters Beach Club / Dia veinteocho!
2 unshaven, tattooed, fallen footy icons, entered our club last night after failing so miserably and observing a 'change of the superstars footy guard', which manifested itself in front of millions of footy fans yesterday; qui, qui! So, to cheer them up, and being completely mad, we allowed females with hairy armpits into the club to tickle their fancies with their hairy, exposed parts! Sadl...
Read full storyScamatology Reps Visit North Korea to Study Their Labor Camps
Our correspondent has learned that the Church of Scamatology has sent representatives to North Korea to study their labor camp system. Scamatology has been known to throw wayward "Clams," as they like to be called, into either the RPF, which is where...
Read full storyMan Didn't Seem To Notice (Or Care) That His Big, Hairy, Sweaty Ass Was Showing
With a belly that has been perfectly formed over a 30-year period of eating TV Dinners and drinking beer, 55-year-old Shane Wall didn't seem to notice, or even care, that his pants had slipped down at work and that his big, hairy, sweaty ass was show...
Read full storyDescendants of Brothers Grimm Sue Trump Administration for Giving FairyTales a Bad Name
The ACLU today filed yet another suit against the Trump Administration, this time on behalf of the Brothers Grimm, or rather there genetic descendants of the Brothers Grimm. "We can no longer stand by as the plots and lessons embedded in the stori...
Read full storyAnti-Cultists Using Scamatology TV to Stop Potential Converts from Joining Scamatology
NotClear, FL Cult Experts who have been trying to dissuade people that are falling under the spell of Scamatology have been having them watch Scamatology TV. "Generally, once they see about five minutes of the cult's TV station they are glad to n...
Read full storyCleavage to Blame for Man's Unfulfilled Destiny
When severely questioned about where his life's course could have taken him, 45-year-old William Peters confessed that cleavage had completely screwed up his destiny. "After I finished my doctoral studies, I seriously could have been an archaeol...
Read full storyThe Great White Id
i Daily watch the Great White Id Huffing and puffing away. He’ll gladly tell you what he did To madly disrupt your day. He tweets his Id thoughts from his Throne— His petty gripes and “So unfairs!” Civility he now bemoans And offers us instead despair. His Little Ids feed off his spew And swallow every lie he tweets. His policies the poor now screws— (The same who sport their cle...
Read full storyCloud In Shape Of Penis Draws Big Crowd
There was mayhem in one Indian city on Friday, as thousands of women rushed to become 'blessed with sacred milk', when a cloud in the shape of a huge penis appeared in the sky above the city. The penis, I beg your pardon, the cloud, started to for...
Read full storySlim Everdingle Sits Down With Vladimir Putin After Helsinki
BILLINGSGATE POST: Intrepid crack reporter Slim Everdingle sits down with Vladimir Putin in an interview that captures the attention of millions of viewers throughout the World who are anxious to hear first hand what was said behind closed doors in...
Read full storyThe Secret England Footballer: World Cup Shambles, My Personal Roundup
By the time you read this, I'll be back in Blighty doing the biz with the owner's daughter again. Just what I need and so does she. We'll be off to Ibiza for some pre-season R&R shortly. Well, never let it be said that I didn't do my best for...
Read full storyEngland Still Have Everything To Play For
England manager Gareth Southgate knows that he has a tricky job on his hands to raise his troops for tomorrow's game with Belgium, but has buoyed them with the rallying call that: Everything is still to play for - except for the World Cup, that...
Read full storyThe Secret England Footballer: Croatia and Cretinous Decisions. I told you so.
You know I told you so. It's taken a day or two for me to get over my anger, but now I feel free to vent my spleen. Forget Gareth's M&S waistcoat, the penalty win over Columbia, slab head Maguire's goal, getting us to the semi-final and all th...
Read full storyDonald Trump Blimp Out Of Control
The Donald Trump blimp - the 20ft-high balloon of the US President, wearing a baby's diaper - which has been flying in the sky above the Houses of Parliament in London since Friday, has broken free of its moorings! The perfectly-coiffeured inflata...
Read full storyPence, Cabinet Cabal May Invoke 25th Amendment, Removing Trump
Shocked by the President's erratic behavior and comments during recent weeks, sources close to Vice President Mike Pence reveal that he has been in serious discussions with key members of Donald Trump's cabinet with the intent of declaring him "unab...
Read full storyColorado Prepares for Jethro Sessions Invasion Force
Colorado has changed the meaning of Rocky Mountain High to something more literal over the years. Now they are preparing some special weaponry especially for Federal Law Enforcement, should it come to enforce Federal cannabis regulations. "We call...
Read full storyMeghan Markle and Queen Break More Than Bread At First Tea
Many of us knew it twas only a matter of time before it happened, but alas it finally...happened. At Buckingham Palace, during Sunday tea with the Queen, sitting down with Meghan Markle for just an intimate little twosome - the first time since the w...
Read full storyFootball's Forgotten Terrace Chant To Make Comeback
A chant that emerged at football grounds in the 1970s, and became popular all over England, Scotland and Wales, mutated and morphed into differently-worded chants, but then went out of fashion, is making a comeback, it has been reported. The chant...
Read full storyMan Bemoans 'Invasive Internet Advertisements'
A writer on the satirical news website TheSpoof.com has called for more stringent control on 'invasive internet advertising' after becoming literally mired in ads which have cost him "an arm and a leg". The writer, Erskin Quint, frequent contribut...
Read full storyWFFC reports Trump and Rouhani to square off in the desert Bolton and Pompeo in the corner
Following recommendations of the WFFC, which allies itself with the UN and the ICC, the leaders of these two disputing countries, Mr. Trump of the US, and Mr. Rouhani of Iran, have decided on personal resolution. The WFFC (World Federation of Fed...
Read full storyMueller to indict Republican Party at large as colluding with Russia to steal the 2016 election
Special counsel Robert Mueller is reported close to another indictment—of the entire Republican Party as well as Mr. Trump. The indictment will name every verifiable Republican-associated official and party representative in 2016. Republican v...
Read full storyJason Statham Doesn't Really Like His Name
English movie actor, heart-throb Jason Statham, has told confidential friends that he doesn't really like his first name. The tough-guy actor who has starred in 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels', 'Snatch', the 'Transporter' trilogy, 'Fast and...
Read full storySnot Hanging Out Of Kid's Nose Was Nearly A Foot Long
There was horror on a horrific scale in a local school this morning, when a student in a Science class sneezed, and produced a horrifying 'creature' almost as long as a ruler, that hung out of his nose ! The dirty Snotfest took place around 9am, a...
Read full storyStrzok and democrats at congressional hearings see Russians here, there, and everywhere
Grilled by a Congressional Committee on possible bias toward President Trump, FBI agent Peter Strzok has suggested the Russians, again, are the benefactors. Various newscasters in the mainstream media, apart from FOX News, are ready to carry this...
Read full storyRobert Mueller In Full Feather Boa To Commemorate J Edgar Hoover
BILLINGSGATE POST: For those who recall reading about former FBI Director J Edgar Hoover's much rumored passion for lady's fashions, pictures of Special Counsel Robert Mueller in a full feather boa may prove to be too much. Newly revealed photos...
Read full storyNashville Man Who Decides to Follow Jesus Ends Up Sitting in One Place for Really Long Time
After much soul-searching, Michael Ford of Nashville, Tennessee, a Christian, decided to completely turn over his will and life and follow Jesus, only to wind up sitting in one place for a really long time.. As Mike tells it, the decision to follo...
Read full storyDid Trump Blackmail Kennedy To Quit?
Did Donald Trump blackmail Justice Anthony Kennedy out of his Supreme Court seat because of his son Justin Kenndy? It seems Justin provided a one billion dollar building loan to Donald Trump while Justin was working for Deutsche Bank. (pronounced: Do...
Read full story3 Large Corporations To Merge into The Beast
In what scriptural scholars agree is a sure fire sign of the end of times, the heads of three giant communications companies skyped each other in a secret illegal collusioney meeting, which was somehow leaked five minutes later, most likely through t...
Read full storyRooster Booster (A Poultry Aphrodisiac) Blamed For Trump Derangement Syndrome
BILLINGSGATE POST: It was well past sunset in a somnolent henhouse outside the comfortable home of chicken rancher Slim Everdingle. The clucking of the Rhode Island Reds had long dissipated as the hens were catching a break after pumping out their...
Read full storyNashville Man Rises like a Phoenix from the Ashes of His Shattered Relationship
Carl Martin of Nashville, Tennessee, recently rose like a phoenix from the ashes of his shattered six-year relationship with his (now) ex-girlfriend Carla Jones. “People used to joke around all the time about our names,” recalled Carl. “They'd tel...
Read full storyGolden Shower Dampens World Cup Final Celebrations
France and Croatia provided a stunning finale to the World Cup last night, and, in a wonderful show of footballing skills, the French ran out 4-2 victors. Sadly, there was an unfortunate footnote to the tournament, when an argument broke out over the...
Read full storyTo Would or Would Not Part 1
It was a dark and stormy night. Donald Treetrunk brought his fishing boat into the dock in the port harbor in the tiny country of Martinique. His first mate Mike Pinch gamely jumped onto the dock to tie off the boat. A portly fisherman named Rudy took out a wad of francs, and counted out the days account. "C-cccan I go to the Treetrunk Tower for a drink, boss!" stammered Pinch, "I-I-I'm startin...
Read full storyNATO Is Shocked And Dismayed By Trump
NATO members are shocked by Trump’s unfounded criticisms, numbers, and railing. "He is telling falsehoods!" "Making total distortions of nations and history!" "This is outlandish!" Psst, don’t tell anyone: Putin hates NATO, and Trump’s Putin’s boy and Trump is reciting the Putin script. Really? Yeah, well, he’s doing exactly what he did during the presidential election: lies, distortions...
Read full storyEngland: Fourth Place Is Coming Home!
Let the celebrations begin! The England football team, so often derided in the past and labelled 'disappointing' at major tournaments, have at last 'completed the job', 'delivered the goods', and, in one last pathetic strain for a brilliant flower...
Read full storyWhere are they now? Alan Smithee, Film Director
A director like no other, Alan was loved, admired, scorned, worshipped, hated, both famous and infamous. Alan's final work was his 1998 self-titled epic "An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn" and to much consternation it was in 2000 that his retirement was officially announced by the Directors Guild of America (DGA). Although Alan had begun directing in 1955 with The Indiscreet Mrs. Jarvi...
Read full storyCrapper in the Crapper
Shithole, New JoiseyThom Crapper, 42, the former superintendent of a New Joisey Skool District, took a leave of flatulence—uh, absence—after he was identified as the “mystery pooper” who left “deposits” on a rival high school's track. “I couldn't hel...
Read full storyComey diagnosed with NDCR syndrome as doctors warn of new virus and spreading epidemic
Former Director of the FBI James Comey has been hospitalized and isolated in a special care facility in Washington, D.C. He is diagnosed with a severe outbreak of the new virus NDCR, particularly virulent this summer. This facility remains cla...
Read full storyUnited South Western Delta Phi Airline Announces Plans to Hire Surgeon; Doctor; Veterinarian; Boxer; and Contortionist
United South Western Delta Phi airlines today announced new employment opportunities. The airline is looking to solve several recent problems it has had with pets dying; humans needing mid-air medical assistance or operations; violent passengers and...
Read full storyWhere are they now? Winston Bogarde, "Footballer"
Don't you just love this man? Well, maybe you haven't heard of him, unlike the Chelsea football fans to whom he is notorious, although they barely saw him. He had the most infamous contract in football. Our Dutch hero played for Ajax until 1998 when he signed for Barcelona, so he wasn't half bad, and played for Barça 19 times while they won La Liga and the Copa del Rey. On the advice of comp...
Read full storyTwo-Thirds of Americans Are Despondent But Only One-Third Are Clinically Depressed/Suicidal
A report published today in JAMA Internal Medicine revealed that that the emotional state of the large majority (63 percent) of Americans is general despondency, but the good news is that only slightly more than one-third (34 percent) are clinically...
Read full storyEnglish Hooligans gatecrash The Nutters Beach Club/ Dia veinteneuve!
It was unavoidable that sooner our later our exclusive club would be discovered, breached, and gatecrashed by English footy hooligans, desperate for some insanity and hoping looking up Volga Olga's shriveled banana skin skirt! However, these hooligans were slightly different, yes pissed out of their brains, but, non-violent, and bawling their eyes out in disbelief after what they witnessed last ni...
Read full storyTotal War Against the Taiwanese Mosquitoes
One very odd and disturbing thing I noticed while living in Taiwan as an overseas teacher is that all the mosquitos there were extremely intelligent. They would carefully strategize how and when they were going to sting you. I had worked at a summer camp in the United States before, so I knew the absolute hell they could wreak on a person's nerves. All of the American mosquitos at summer camp...
Read full storyOwen Gole Favourite To Win Golden Boot
The World Cup is well into its final stages, and, as well as the question over its eventual winners, fans are also speculating as to who might win the Golden Boot, the accolade of being the tournament's highest scorer. Belgium eliminated Brazil la...
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