Ancient Vampire Who Yearns for Death Reviews Oceans 8

Funny story written by Templeton T. Rat

Monday, 9 July 2018

900 year old vampire Ardith Dartan, who wishes for nothing more than to finally be freed from his wretched existence, shared his thoughts about the latest film in the long running Oceans series.

“I found the heist to be less interesting than the previous films,” he told our reporter as he took a sip from an ornate goblet full of a fluid we can only assume is the blood of an unfortunate victim.

“However the cast elevated it far above its script,” he shared as he wiped a clawed hand across his bright red lips and looked longingly out the window.

“It almost makes one no longer wish for the sweet embrace of eternal slumber," he dreamily said before pointing out the costume design was exquisite.

In between soliloquies of his envy for mortals short life span and cursing the gods for his terrible curse he also called Anne Hathaway “America’s new sweetheart”

After a touching speech about the horror of watching the ones you love die and being unable to stop it despite your immense power he shared hopes that it would get a sequel as he’d love to spend more time with these characters.

He gave the movie 3 out of 4 stars and recommends it for the whole family and expressed a wish that his terrible visage didn’t inspire absolute terror in all who laid eyes upon it.

When our reporter refused to drive a stake through his heart he retired to his coffin and asked us to join him next week for his thoughts on Ant-man and The Wasp.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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