Man Went To Tesco At 3am 'To See What It Would Be Like'

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 27 July 2018


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You can't be too careful - even at 3am!

A man with little better to do than visit supermarkets in the middle of the night, has recounted how he visited his local Tesco Superstore at 3am one morning - just to see what it would feel like!

Moys Kenwood, 55, told of how, in September 2017, he watched a late film on TV that ended at 1:30am, then did some Sudoku puzzles from the newspaper 'to kill time' until the appointed hour. When 2:45am arrived, he traipsed through the streets of Hull, and reached Tesco on Beverley High Road at precisely 3 o'clock.

The first thing he saw, was that the car park was empty, and so, as it happened, was the gigantic store - of shoppers, that is. Of members of staff, there were plenty, bustling around, replenishing shelves, looking industrious, in case their supervisor should catch them 'idling'. At around 3:20am, however, an announcement informed staff to "take a 15-minute break", and all but two check-out operators made themselves scarce.

Kenwood walked up and down deserted aisles, meeting nobody, and began to feel like the sole survivor of a nuclear attack. He looked around: two checkouts were open - two more than were needed - all of the stores lights were on, plus all the refrigerators. What a waste! It seemed like a small city! He glanced up and saw a CCTV camera, and wondered if anyone was monitoring it. "Probably - sad bastards!" he thought to himself.

He considered trying on some women's clothing, but didn't. He moved some dairy produce into inappropriate locations, and then spent 15 minutes setting up carrots and potatoes into 'cock and balls' formations, before settling down to read some of the literature on offer in the 'Books' section.

At around 5:30am, he spotted a customer, and decided to call a halt to the experiment. As he left the store, a security guard regarded him with a watchful eye, as Kenwood tried to look as shifty as was humanly possible.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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