Neymar Offered 'Role' In EastEnders

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 4 July 2018

image for Neymar Offered 'Role' In EastEnders
Neymar, about to get injured

Brazilian footballer Neymar has been wowing the crowds at the World Cup in Russia with some stunning performances, and 2 goals so far, but the fans are not the only people the 26-year-old has been impressing.

Executives at the BBC have been meeting with scriptwriters to discuss the possibility of offering the player a part in their long-running flagship soap drama EastEnders. They decided to do so after watching a video of him using his acting ability in the Brazil's match against Mexico.

Neymar has never been to drama school, but there are two good reasons why the BBC thinks this is irrelevant:

1) Neymar is a natural actor

2) NOBODY needs to have been to drama school to get a part in EastEnders

One prospective storyline is that Neymar be introduced as the new landlord of the Queen Vic, courting the attentions of all the local slags in the process with his dashing Latin looks. He has all of them in the palm of his hand to pick and choose from, but ruins this when he hurts his wrist pulling a pint at the bar. He screams in excruciating pain, falls to his knees and onto his back, with his face a picture of agony. He then writhes around on the floor, remonstrating with customers, and appealing for a penalty.

Another part being spoken about is one where Neymar is a handsome gang boss who puts his car in for a service at the Arches, but comes up against Phil Mitchell when he isn't satisfied with the service. Threats having been traded, the two meet for a confrontation, standing face-to-face in the Queen Vic, but Phil, at Sharon's behest, offers to shake Neymar's hand. As the pair shake, the Brazil striker hits the deck like the proverbial sack of potatoes, and rolls all around the pub, and out into the street, continuing to roll round and round and round the Square until the final credits.

A third idea is that Neymar is a footballer just back from the World Cup who signs for Walford United, with high hopes that he might just be the player that can get them into the Premier League, and then Europe. He brings with him his 'friend' from Brazil - none other than Phil's brother, Grant! Although the trio share some funny stories and get merry over a few pints, things turn sour when Neymar ill-advisedly tries it on with Sharon, who used to be the wife of both Phil and Grant, but not at the same time, of course. First to react is Grant, who headbutts Neymar, then Phil pushes his head down a toilet. Sharon flushes it, and the credits roll.

The player's agent has already been approached, and is currently considering which of Neymar's attributes is the strongest - his footballing skills or his play-acting - before advising the cheat on what his next move should be.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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