United South Western Delta Phi airlines today announced new employment opportunities. The airline is looking to solve several recent problems it has had with pets dying; humans needing mid-air medical assistance or operations; violent passengers and seats that appear too small to sit in.
USWDPA Spokesperson Darla Keenan said, "We believe we can solve all or our problems by just reacting to them rather than solving them. So instead of figuring out ways to provide better customer service we intend to keep you in the air and operate on you, your dog, your cat. If you piss us off at least one of our stewardesses will be a former boxer. If you can't fit into your seat our contortionist will teach you how sit in it."
USWDPA is hoping the implement the new strategy just as soon as it can complete hiring and training for its new employees.