Written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 30 July 2018

image for Harry Maguire Turns Down Manchester United Move As He Fucking Hates Them
Maguire's idea for a new Manchester United crest

Harry Maguire, the Leicester City and England defender, has turned down the opportunity to join Manchester United, saying he fucking hates them.

Maguire, 25, was born in Sheffield, and has always been a Sheffield United supporter. As such, there were only two teams he genuinely hated: city rivals, Sheffield Wednesday, and everybody's rivals, Manchester United.

"Nothing," said Maguire, "has changed. They are both filth."

Maguire was speaking from a beach in Barbados where he and his girlfriend are relaxing after the exertions of Harry's World Cup adventures in Russia, where the defender scored his first international goal against Sweden. He's been linked with a £75million transfer to the Reds, but that move now looks impossible.

The star also confessed to having a less-than-positive opinion of United boss Jose Mourinho, and stressed why he thought the two working together might not be a very good idea:

"What a turd! The bloke just doesn't know when to shut his mouth. He's so full of shit! I hate clever bastards like him! I'd lamp him one!"

Maguire refused to go into more details of his hatred for the Old Trafford club, but did have this to say:

"Every football supporter hates the Urinals, and I'm no different. I'd rather play for Sheffield Wednesday than Manchester United, and that's saying something! They're scum, and so are their fans."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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