Clean Up in Aisle One

Funny story written by Gee Pee

Sunday, 29 July 2018

image for Clean Up in Aisle One
Grocery store says "no more," as store aisles start to resemble the streets of San Francisco

My Ami, Florida—Pubix, a Florida grocery chain, has posted signs outside its stores: no dogs allowed (unless they are trained service dogs) and no dogs allowed in or on grocery carts (even if they are trained service dogs). The problem is that the dogs, even if they are trained service dogs, cannot read the prohibitions.

The canine companions continue to insist that they be admitted to the stores and vow to ride in or on the grocery carts of their choice, the company's management's rules to the contrary be damned. In fact, one “companion animal,” a Great Dane, showed his disdain for the company by urinating on one of the "offensive" signs.

“We gave the matter careful consideration,” said company spokeswoman Brittany Spaniel, who describes herself as an "animal lover." “The animals' presence annoys many customers, so that's bad for business. On the other hand, the dogs are clearly in control, and they lead customers to the dog food aisle, where the canines' human companions load their carts with snacks, toys, and other doggy treats, so, in that sense, they are good for the bottom line.”

“That's just the problem,” Kay Nine, whined. “I don't want no damn doggy bottom sitting on or in my shopping cart. It's unsanitary.”

“We intend to enforce our policy,” Nine said, “Animal control and the local dog pound are standing by, federal disability laws be damned.”

“It's about time!” Nine said, upon learning of Pubix's policy. “I'm tired of buying flea collars instead of chokers, and my husband is tired of lying down with fleas.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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