Written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 11 July 2018

image for EastEnders Phil And Grant Team Up For Violent TV Series
Phil and Grant discussing knocking Ian's block right off

'EastEnders' brothers Phil and Grant Mitchell have been lined up to star in a new BBC drama show where the pair are constantly trying to seek out and kill fellow Albert Square resident Ian Beale, who has gone on the run.

It's the first spin-off from the miserable, long-running soap, and is set to be a blockbuster with viewers. The title of the show is 'Izzair Sumfin You Aintellinme?'.

In the pilot, Ian, in the Queen Vic, makes a snide comment to Billy about Phil's liver cirrosis. Phil overhears, and drags Ian by the scruff of the neck into the Gents' toilets. Viewers are left in suspense as to what happens next, but the sound of a toilet flushing can be heard, above muffled gargling.

The next time we see Ian, he is outside Phil's garage, 'The Arches', after dark with a big can of petrol. He manages to start a fire, and changes the Arches sign to read 'The Ashes'. In the light from the flames, his face can be seen smirking the 'Beale smirk'. Then, he races back home, retrieves an already-packed suitcase, and hails a taxi.

The taxi, realising who the customer is, however, speeds away, but, after several more cabs have done the same, he eventually manages to get picked up by a cabbie that doesn't know him yet. Ian tells the driver:

"Heathrow sharpish, mate!"

We then see Phil the next morning surveying his ex-garage, and its new sign. He knows everything in an instant. He calls Grant in Rio, but again viewers are left in the dark.

Not for long though, for, as Grant's flight touches down at Heathrow, Phil is in Arrivals, and the brothers embrace. They go to a coffee shop. Neither speaks, but both brothers regard the other's eyes. Slowly, Phil reaches into his tatty leather jacket pocket, and throws something onto the table. Grant's eyes widen, and look ready to burst out of their sockets as he sees the photo of Ian Beale. He looks at Phil with that trademark intense stare, and nods his head slowly. The hunt for Beale is on!

The pilot show is due to be aired in September.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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