Written by Paxton Quigley

Wednesday, 4 July 2018

image for RSPCA Threat to Take Schrödinger's Cat Dead or Alive
Tiddles "I'm totally pissed off"

Renowned Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger was outraged this morning when he heard that RSPCA inspectors intended to raid his laboratory in an attempt to seize his cat, Tiddles, after allegations of animal cruelty.

An exasperated Tiddles spoke exclusively to The Spoof about his frustration.

"I'm totally pissed off with these interfering busybodies. I've got a nice cushy number going on here and they want to take away my livelihood. All I do is take my owner into his lab every morning and get in this cardbox box. After that I am free to do whatever I want and I usually have a kip for a while. For all Schrödinger knows I could be dead in there, but now and again I let him know I'm hungry or thirsty or maybe I need a wee, so I tell him to lift me out.

"It's a doddle and I have fun doing it. I hear him talking to students and they ask him where is his cat so he tells them I am in the box of course. Then he asks them if I am dead or alive, which mystifies them, and I can almost hear their brains whirring.

"Most of the time I just keep stumm even if they knock on the box and call my name. I know how all this works and I earn my crust.

"Other times I pop my head out of the lid and stick out my tongue - 'Yah! Boo!' of course I'm alive you cretins or I wouldn't be able to do this job. Simpletons."

Mr. Arnold Jobsworth, Chief Inspector of the RSPCA, issued a statement to the press on behalf of the society.

"The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has received allegations of cruelty to one long haired Persian cat who goes by the name of Tiddles. It is alleged that he is being kept in a box and might have died but then again maybe not. All we are asking for is access to Professor Schrödinger's cat to discover the facts of the case."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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