Where are they now? Alan Smithee, Film Director

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 23 July 2018

image for Where are they now? Alan Smithee, Film Director
Filmgoers would rush for the exit

A director like no other, Alan was loved, admired, scorned, worshipped, hated, both famous and infamous. Alan's final work was his 1998 self-titled epic "An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn" and to much consternation it was in 2000 that his retirement was officially announced by the Directors Guild of America (DGA).

Although Alan had begun directing in 1955 with The Indiscreet Mrs. Jarvis, a TV short starring Angela Lansbury, it wasn't until 1968 that his period in cinema took off and throughout his long and distinguished career, Alan had no qualms about spreading his talent across different genres, from documentaries, westerns and science fiction through to comedies and schlock-horror. He has over 100 credits to his name.

Rumour has it that Alan doesn't actually exist and that other directors would off-load their turkeys to his name anonymously. Shame on you charlatans.

A small selection of Alan's successes include:

The Shrimp on the Barbie. 1990
Sounds like an Aussie outback movie, except it features a Mexican layabout. Weird.
Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh. 1991
With that title, how could it fail? Two cops and a detective's daughter go after a chainsaw killer...
The Coroner. 1999 A solicitor takes revenge on her kidnapper and torturer who happens to be the local coroner. Wowee! IMDb score 2.8/10
Appointment with Fear. 1985
A man under the influence of an ancient Egyptian curse uses astral projection to kill. This garnered a magnificent IMDb score of 2.6/10

Alan is enjoying his retirement in a nursing home somewhere in La La Land and will shortly be celebrating his 100th birthday.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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