Jason Statham Doesn't Really Like His Name

Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 28 July 2018

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Jason, Jase, Jasey-babes

English movie actor, heart-throb Jason Statham, has told confidential friends that he doesn't really like his first name.

The tough-guy actor who has starred in 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels', 'Snatch', the 'Transporter' trilogy, 'Fast and the Furious 6', 'Furious 7', 'The Fate of the Furious', 'The Italian Job', 'Crank', 'War', 'The Bank Job', 'The Mechanic', 'Spy', 'Mechanic: Resurrection', and 'The Expendables', amongst others, confessed that he missed the opportunity to call himself something really 'masculine' because he was already well known - through diving and modelling - when he first got into acting.

During a conversation with best pal Tristan (no second name to protect his anonymity), Statham said that his own name - 'Jason' - was "a bit puffy", and made him sound "like a fairy".

Another confidante who wanted to remain surnameless, 'Rory', said:

"He's very sensitive. He worries about his image. He's told me many times, he'd like to be called something like the other tough-guys, Vin, Jean Claude, or Arnold, or better still, Sylvester, like his hero, Sylvester McCoy."

Jason grew up with another boy with a relatively rare name, Vincent Jones, but the latter had the good sense to adapt that to 'Vinnie' before he became a footballer. Vinnie even went on to star in films himself, most notably in 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels', and 'Snatch' alongside Jase.

Jones remembers Jasey-babes commenting on his moniker when the two were in their teens, saying that it sounded "girlie", "kiddyish" and "homo", but the Wimbledon player, with his scary trademark Crazy Gang face-contorting, eye-narrowing, teeth-gritting expression, told his friend straight:

"Shaat it you faacking toe raaaaag! You faacking pussy lips caaaaaant."

And Jaseykins did.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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