Shithole, New Joisey
Thom Crapper, 42, the former superintendent of a New Joisey Skool District, took a leave of flatulence—uh, absence—after he was identified as the “mystery pooper” who left “deposits” on a rival high school's track. “I couldn't help it,” Crapper told police, “I had the runs.”
To catch the criminal in the act, police set up surveillance cameras at the sight of the droppings, and, sure enough, obtained photographic evidence of Crapper's offensive offenses. He had moved his bowels on the track at least eight times over a period of seven days.
Asked what he hoped to accomplish by his anal antics, Crapper replied, “I'm taking a leave of absence from my $148,000-a-year job so I can try a selection of laxatives, stool softeners, and other purgatives.”
Upon hiring Crapper, the Board of Education president gushed, “After conducting a thorough search, we are pleased to appoint Thom to serve as our new superintendent. He has an impressive background with great experience, especially in regard to retention.”
His wife and two children said they are “proud” of him. “He carries a heavy load,” his wife admitted. “But he's always willing to go the extra mile,” his children agreed.
A school district official, A. LaTrine, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “We're done taking crap off Crapper. His career is in the toilet. We're going to flush him like the true turd he is.”