There were 191 spoof news stories published in May 2018. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
A #MeToo Story by a Mermaid
Being the chair of the local Mermaid Public Relations Committee isn't all it's cracked up to be. Like today, for example, I'd like to be out swimming around in the ocean with the other mermaids. Instead I'm tasked with reading the entries of my fellow mermaids to a short story contest by a local magazine and choosing the ones that will proceed to the next round of the competition. The magazine edi...
Read full story"Sex 5 times a day, is not enough!" Claim's 85 year-old Russian nymphomaniac!
Too much sex on a daily basis is a disease claim WHO scientists, and have declared the disease to be in the same category as being totally 'bonkers!' Jaggedone, who knows several nympho's, decided to send his star CIA (Cockroach Infiltration Army)...
Read full storyMan Furious Over Burnt Corn Flakes
A man eating his breakfast cereal was up in arms this morning after finding two burnt Corn Flakes in his bowl for the second day in succession. Moys Kenwood, 54, revealed how he opened a brand new box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes yesterday morning, a...
Read full storyCalculator Stopped Working At Critical Time
A calculator which was being used to 'tot up' a list of figures, stopped working at a critical point yesterday, just as the person using it was about to press the '=' sign. Moys Kenwood, 54, received the 'electronic calculating apparatus' as a Chr...
Read full storyNASA Says Alien Invasion 'Imminent'
Representatives of all the world's leading governments have been summoned to an unprecedented emergency summit in Helsinki on Wednesday afternoon, after NASA released a statement which affirms that an alien invasion from space is "imminent". The n...
Read full storyBird Shit On Man's Head
A man taking a relaxing stroll along a public footpath at a local golf course in Hull on Saturday evening, received the shock of his adult life when, from a height of approximately 10 metres, a bird shit on his bonce. The man, Moys Kenwood, was wa...
Read full storyBitcoin Volatility Won't Put Me Off, Says Moron
The spectacular crash of the Bitcoin cryptocurrency early this week shook the financial world to its roots, but not all 'investors' were crying in their beer. Arnold Blimp, an 'amateur speculator', first became interested in Bitcoin when it was fi...
Read full storyMan Experiences Strange Phenomenon On His Way Home
A man travelling back to his home in Battambang on a motorcycle being ridden by his wife, experienced a strange phenomenon this afternoon, when he noticed that, although one side of the road was wet and had puddles, the opposite side was bone dry!...
Read full storyGerman Teens Condemn 'unfair' English Exam in Petition
Grappling with Brexit in one English exam proved too much for more than 30,000 German school students, who are protesting in an online petition. About 31,000 students sat the English exam in the south-west German state of Baden-Württemberg but the pe...
Read full storyNarcissistic Comedian Has No Trouble Laughing at Himself
Dismissing accusations of being self-absorbed and grandiose, comedian Russell Hargrave explained that he has no trouble laughing at himself – and in fact, does so a lot. “My humor is a little too high-level for some people to appreciate,” stated H...
Read full storyWoman Rescued After Getting Stuck In Revolving Door
A woman on a shopping trip to the big city had to be rescued after she became stuck in a revolving door. Betty Smith was in New York for the very first time in her life, after living 74 years on a farm in Iowa. On a once-in-a-lifetime trip, the ol...
Read full storyHARDCORE! Small Sector of Americans Remain Committed to Extreme Sports like Jogging and Power-Walking
Shrugging off warnings about heat exhaustion, dehydration, and running being hard on the joints, a small but committed sector of the American population continue to cling to their obsession with extreme sports, like jogging and power-walking. “It'...
Read full storyPutin's Revenge: How He Wired Trump's Albino Raccoon Hairpiece
BILLINGSGATE POST: If albino raccoons could talk, this might be a story that would raise eyebrows in Washington: Ever since Davy Crockett skinned a raccoon and placed its fur on top his head, this animal has provided men of the frontier with war...
Read full storyBuddhism Rates Plummet as Result of Warning that Sitting Is the New Smoking
The number of practicing Buddhists in the United States has plummeted following issuance of the health alarm first sounded by the Mayo Clinic's Dr. James Levine that "sitting is the new smoking." Buddhism encourages a daily practice of meditation or...
Read full storyGerman scientists grow brains to replace ones in politicians heads!
Donald Trump's brain is about to be replaced by a version grown in a German lab. The US president doesn't know about the planned operation, but the US senate have approved the move hoping at last some common sense will exit his vile mouth! German...
Read full storyPresident Trump Waxes Philosophical Regarding Gun “Control” and Other Matters
In a rare moment of philosophical reflection, United States President Donald Trump shared with a small circle of parents and teachers pushing for stricter gun control laws his deeply considered views on the matter. “What is 'control,' anyway?” que...
Read full storyPANTS DOWN! Big Food Was Behind Invention of Stretch Denim
If you're a blue-jeans-wearing kind of gal (or guy), then you're aware of the fashion revolution that is stretch denim – but what you may not know is that the research and development of stretch denim was funded by Big Food (namely, Nestle, McDonald'...
Read full storyEVA Air Fork Missing
There was 'tension around the table' in one Battambang household on Monday evening, when it was revealed that an airline fork, part of a cherished collection of airline cutlery, had gone missing. The fork - stolen from an EVA Air flight from Bang...
Read full storyMan Delayed Flight By Taking A Dump
Airline passengers at Manchester's Ringway airport were in uproar yesterday evening, after a flight was delayed when another one of the passengers was forced to visit the lavatory at the Gate before boarding. The flight, from Manchester to Bangkok...
Read full storyChuck to Star in "Happy Days" Reboot
Hollywood, CA - The iconic '70s television series Happy Days is back, and jumping the shark once again. The reboot, following the success of several other TV reboots, stars Dublin born Gavan O'Herlihy as Chuck Cunningham. None of the remaining orig...
Read full storyDog Was Barking Up The Wrong Tree
A dog which had chased a cat over an area of wasteland and into a wooded area where it stood barking for more than ten minutes at a place it thought the cat was hiding, was barking up the wrong tree. The cat, a scrawny ginger-colored beast, had al...
Read full storyLocal Hospital Opens Another Shitty Food Court
Local Hospital, Last Resort Methodist, has opened its second food court in an effort to get more patients into the hospital. “The first food court didn’t have enough disease in their food. This time, with options like McFryBird and Lard Cow, we’r...
Read full storyLatest craze in the UK! Big bums and bouncy boobs are in, unedited, untouched, non-plastic!
A super-sized model from the UK has blown away all the myths surrounding the female body by presenting her latest swimsuit collection herself, including cellulite, bumps, and lumps, that normally are 'touched up' by magazine artists! Women with si...
Read full storySupermarket Mergers, Pacts And Other Such Shit
There was a swift reaction to the news earlier this week that supermarket giants Asda and Sainsbury were to merge, when several other major players also announced their own intentions to join forces. First to react was Tesco, who revealed that the...
Read full storyLouisiana Crawfish Catches on Fast Regarding Festival Supposedly in His Honor
When first invited to attend the Cajun Crawfish Fest in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, crawfish Caleb Mattingly was extremely gratified to learn that his fellow Louisianans so appreciated his contribution to the eco-diversity of the bayou regions that they'...
Read full storyNashville Man Blows a Gasket
28-year-old Justin Drake of Nashville, Tennessee, recently blew a gasket when his girlfriend, Cara Shiley, yet again expected him to foot the bill – this time for her fancy coffee drink. “I lost my shit," acknowledged Justin, “It wasn't pretty.”...
Read full storyMan Knows Nothing About US Politics
A writer on the satirical news website TheSpoof.com has revealed how he 'aches' to write a story on US politics, but is prevented from doing so by his complete lack of knowledge on the subject. Moys Kenwood, 54, says he knows who Donald Trump is,…
Read full story"Pull the Plug!" Taxpayer Group wants Comatose State Pensioner Euthanized
Sacramento, CA. A group of conservative California taxpayers asked a state court to remove all medical support that now keeps a 101-year-old retired state worker alive in a permanent comatose condition. Their request has sparked renewed debate over t...
Read full storyArea Man Doesn’t Know What Bitcoin or Meek Mill is
In a wide-ranging interview at his son’s lacrosse practice, an area man discussed things he has no idea about, like bitcoin. “I have no idea what bitcoin is or why people talk about it,” he said. “I’m a 50- year old man and it’s just something I d...
Read full storyFlat Earth Society plan mission to Mars
The Flat Earth Society has grown in popularity in recent years, as the chronic underfunding of education starts to bite, and civilisation begins its inevitable decline back to the Stone Age. Prominent Flat Earthers include Kanye West, Jacob Rees-Mogg...
Read full storyTrump-Kim Summit to Include Farting Contest
The summit meeting between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un is apparently back on, after Dear Leader Kim acceded to one of President Trump's key demands. "I am only too happy to accept President Trump's challenge," announced the Dear Leader in a press...
Read full story"Stumpy legged men aint sexy," claim Cambridge University!
University student fees are horrendously expensive in the UK and, many students find themselves, after leaving university, in impoverished situations because they can't get a decent job. Well is it a wonder after reading the latest nonsensical stu...
Read full storyNashville Man Comes Up with Solid Life Plan
After decades of career confusion, soul-searching, and personal reflection, Nashville man Bart Biggs came up with a solid plan for his future, on which he's determined to follow through. “Most people's trouble,” explained Bart, “is that they go th...
Read full storyTop Ten Reasons Why Kim Jong Un Desperately Wants to Make a Deal with the U. S.
He needs a decent shampoo, rinse, and cut from Vidal Sassoon. He wants Stormy Daniels’ phone number. He wants to be let loose carte blanche in the M&M anchor store in New York City, ending in a candy bath of M&M Reds. He wants his scientists to examine Nancy Pelosi –it’s an ancient Korean cultural practice dealing with living mummification. He’s out of nuclear warheads anyway, cuz Godz...
Read full storyJapanese Commuters Riot As Train Leaves Early Again
There were troubled scenes in Japan this morning after a commuter train left a station early for the second time in six months. Last November, management on the Tsukuba Express line between Tokyo and the city of Tsukuba sincerely apologised when t...
Read full storyFred Wilpon Addresses Media
New York Mets Majority Owner Fred Wilpon talked to the media following another Mets loss, the most recent being an 8-7 loss to the Milwaukee Brewers. "Just because our talent is lacking due to injuries doesn't mean that it's time to panic," a de...
Read full storyDid General Kelly Just Diss Melania Trump?
Ouch! Did General Kelly just diss Melania Trump because she isn’t fluent in English? Will he next accuse Barron of being her anchor child? Kelly’s insults appear to shoot out of his mouth like a cocked gun that’s loaded and fired. Bang, bang! An empt...
Read full storyUK Estate Agents post porno pictures on walls of their 'For Sale' houses!
The housing market in the UK is generally regarded as 'totally BONKERS,' and now Estate Agents are 'bonking' up the hype even further by allowing porno pictures hanging on the walls of their houses to be part of the sales pitch! The idea came from...
Read full storyMother of Two Wants to Recall Her Eggs
Seattle, Wa - A mother of two was so disappointed with her children that she wanted to recall her eggs. “They just didn’t turn out the way I had hoped,” she confided, after neither child called her for Mothers Day. “All I got was a text from my...
Read full storyIvanka Receives North Korean Trademark For "McMuttleys" Dog Burger Franchise
BILLINGSGATE POST: The Wall Street Journal reported today that Trump would not answer questions pertaining to a North Korean trademark awarded for the exclusive franchise rights to the new dog burger franchise named "McMuttleys." After taking co...
Read full storyWilliam Shakespeare Monkey Experiment Latest
A experiment to investigate whether an infinite number of monkeys sat at an infinite number of typewriters would, if left alone, eventually come up with the complete works of William Shakespeare may be in its final stages. The experiment, set up 4...
Read full storyMan Nearly Struck By Lightning Whilst Having His Tea
Early reports coming out of the Cambodian city of Battambang indicate that a storm of 'biblical proportions' has passed through the area, nearly killing one man who was having his tea. Moys Kenwood, 54, was enjoying his evening meal when a power c...
Read full story24-Hour Barbie Channel Is Starting To Get On Man's Nerves
There was a distinct feeling of déjà vu for one man in the Battambang commune of Tapon last night, after his daughter and stepdaughters demanded, once again, to watch the 'Barbie channel'. Moys Kenwood, 54, had his home wired-up for cable TV last...
Read full storyIn a Kingdom Long Ago . . .
In a kingdom long ago (OK, maybe not so long ago), there lived, in a thousand villages in the demesne, a happy and peaceful people who sent their children off to school each day, secure in the knowledge that their children were receiving the best edu…
Read full storyTrump Threatens News Credentials
Even though The Spoof news reporters are not allowed within ten miles of the White House, Mar-a-Lago or any of his golf courses, Donald Trump is threatening to cancel and remove all news credentials of journalists including those of The Spoof reporte...
Read full storyThe Onion To Change To Become More Like The Spoof
The Onion, the satirical news website par excellence, whose writers are the undisputed high-watermark of satirical literary output, is to make changes to become more like one of its rivals, TheSpoof.com. The Onion has been producing highly-crafted...
Read full storyWoman Marries Herself
A woman in New Jersey who fell out with every boyfriend she ever had, has married herself. Tina Snodge, 37, who lives in Trenton, never had any problems finding partners: she was pretty, brunette, shapely, athletic, and also had a few dollars in t...
Read full storyCan You Stand the Heat??? Hot Pretzel Yoga Not for the Faint of Heart!
Combining the key principles of hot yoga with the technology of wood-fired brick ovens, the latest fitness craze known as hot pretzel yoga offers participants the opportunity to twist themselves into a pretzel and be baked at 425 degrees for 45 minut...
Read full storyLorry Sheds Its Load Of Sheds
There was a 30-yard tailback on a road in Battambang this morning, after a lorry shed its load of sheds. The lorry - which in the US would be described as 'the truck' - was being driven along the road from Baset in the direction of the city, by a...
Read full storyPhil Collins says that "Incels" like him should just have a big wank
Phil Collins is a 67 year old bald man best known for playing drums and sometimes yelping along. He is also an "Incel" or involuntarily celibate person, and he has a message for other Incels like him. "I never lost me virginity nor nuffing until I...
Read full storyRep. Matt Gaetz exposes deep state black site
Representative Matt Gaetz is not a man to be taken lightly. Monday night on Fox News the shallow state warrior intimated that Attorney General Jeff Sessions is a captive of the deep state and that he’s developed Stockholm Syndrome brought on by grow...
Read full storyPortland Woman Finds Pumpkin Seeds a Beneficial Addition to Her Diet
Interested in improving her health, Loretta Vincent of Portland, Oregon, recently incorporated pumpkin seeds into her diet - and she couldn't be more pleased with the results. With a wide variety of nutrients ranging from magnesium and manganese t...
Read full storyRevolving Fire Hydrants In NYC Causing Dogs To Fall Into Their Own Urine
BILLINGSGATE POST: When Mayor De Blasio ordered City Park Superintendent, Detrick "Dirty Tricks" Detwiler, to replace all of the old fire hydrants along Fifth Avenue and Central Park, he had no idea of the uproar this would cause. Because he though...
Read full story80s Band Anticipates How Anticipated Their Anticipated Return is Anticipated to Be
One of the most longest named bands of the 1980s, Billy Stringbean and the Pufferfish, are making a comeback with their new album, Songs About Rocking. The highly-anticipated album is being accompanied by a tour, which kicked off last week in Cinc...
Read full storyMore Alzheimer's Cure Worries
Following the success of my classic story Alzheimer's Cure Worries I have, in all modesty, decided to return to this delicate subject. Top Alzheimer's researcher, Dr Brain, is working at the forefront of helping evermore people remember things the...
Read full storyBright Side Tired of Being Looked at All the Time
In this age of visualization and positive thinking, the bright side of things has gotten more attention than ever – and, in its own words, is getting a little tired of being looked at all the time. "Honestly, sometimes the constant focus on me get...
Read full story"Me Too" Bags Another; Disgraced School Chief Quits
In the wake of New York attorney general Eric Schneiderman's resignation, another top government official elsewhere has succumbed after similar startling revelations of unwanted sexual assaults on women. Following a painful and sometimes tearful c...
Read full storyTea Bag Crisis Looms
There were worried looks and a lot of 'pacing up-and-down' in one Battambang household last night, after a man realised he was down to his last few tea bags. Moys Kenwood, 54, made himself a 'proper brew' as usual, but noticed that there were only...
Read full storyMan Changed His Mind
Indecision was rampant in the Battambang commune of Tapon this morning, when a man who had initially made a 'concrete decision' about something, subsequently changed his mind. The man, Moys Kenwood, 54, a teacher at a school in the city, had thoug...
Read full storyCycling 'With No Hands' Gets Nod
Cyclists who ride their bicycles with 'no hands' have been celebrating this morning after it was announced that the practice has been recognised as an individual discipline, and is to be considered for possible inclusion in the next-but-one Olympic G...
Read full storyThe Cavs and the Warriors are in the NBA playoffs again, so when will this talented train end?
After all has been said and done, the Golden State Warriors will be playing the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Finals for a fourth consecutive year. The opening game will start at 9 p.m., Eastern Standard Time, on ABC on Thursday, May 31, and it w...
Read full story"Ptomaine Romaine" Scare Threatens Lettuce Growers Everywhere
With the E. coli outbreak that infected one variety of Arizona's lettuce crop now seemingly at an end, the Farm Bureau has urged all concerned to romaine calm. However, the fallout from the crisis has had a devastating financial impact on the entire...
Read full storyTrump meets Kim on his yacht in the East Sea surrounded by aircraft carriers
Breaking: Following the recent triumphant meeting of Moon Jae-in and Kim Jong Un, leaders of South and North Korea, Mr. Trump has flown to Mr. Kim’s yacht in the East Sea for further negotiations. Mr. Trump is aboard Mr. Kim’s yacht, The Kim Il-Su...
Read full storyRoseanne Barr Described As 'Big' And 'Large'
Roseanne Barr, the comedienne whose 'Roseanne' show made a stunning comeback recently, has been labelled 'big' and 'large', by Valerie Jarrett, a Senior Advisor to former president Barack Obama. The roly-poly funnywoman, 65, whose new version of t...
Read full storyGirl Had Face Full Of Zits
A man has told of a frightening incident in the Battambang commune of Tapon, in which he came face-to-face with a girl who had a face "full of zits". Moys Kenwood, 54, originally from Hull in East Yorkshire, was at home eating his tea at around 7p...
Read full storyStar Wars and Other Conspiracy Theories
Since the beginning of time, man has believed in conspiracy theories. In fact, even before man, dinosaurs believed in conspiracy theories too. For example, the history books tell us that a meteor hit the earth and wiped out all the dinosaurs. But man...
Read full storyReflection on The Lucky Guy From Pompeii
In 79 A.D. Mount Vesuvius erupted and destroyed the Roman city of Pompeii killing 2,000 souls as it went. A thick carpet of volcanic ash and dust poured across the city and don't forget the heat. This day would be the last for many. One man, whom archaeologists claim suffered an infection of the tibia, was found in the ruins with a stone door jamb on his head. What a way to go! First of al...
Read full storyDriver Went Through Red Light
A motorist in the Thai capital of Bangkok was labelled with being 'irresponsible' this afternoon, after he deliberately drove through traffic lights which were clearly on 'red', which means 'stop'. The driver, who was in a jet-black 2016 Landcruis...
Read full storyBolton to pilot B-52 squadron over North Korea will parachute down to establish first American base north of the 38th parallel
National Security Advisor John Bolton has had his way over North Korea’s objections to the current “Maximum Thunder” joint exercises with South Korea. Mr. Bolton insists that scheduling the current exercises despite the North-South Koreas’ recent...
Read full storyMan Attacked By Ducklings
Residents in the Battambang commune of Tapon are on high-alert this evening after a local man claimed he was attacked by ducklings. The incident is alleged to have taken place just before teatime in the back garden of Moys Kenwood, who told neighb...
Read full storyTapeworm World Record Smashed!
There were celebrations across the Korean peninsula last night when news broke that a new world record for the length of a tapeworm had been set. The old record which had stood for 140 years - the previous best of 89 metres was set in 1878 - was s...
Read full storyWhite House confirms Bolton dropped into North Korea and returned by fishing trawler to USS Carl Vinson
Wrapped in a shawl in disguise as a halmoni (Korean grandmother), Mr. Bolton has recently completed a tour of the Punggyerae test site. White House Chief of Staff General Kelly has confirmed Mr. Bolton was parachuted in the dead of night with dead...
Read full storyChocolate Ice Cream Made Right Mess Of Girl's Face
What should have been a pleasant Sunday afternoon outing in Battambang with her friends, turned into the 'nightmare of her dreams' for one pretty girl today, as the ice cream she was eating, melted far more quickly than she'd anticipated it might, le...
Read full storyUnborn Baby Becomes Transgender
A medical breakthrough has caused some talk recently. An unborn baby has successfully undergone surgery to switch genders, whilst still in the womb. This has caused disturbance and anger in society as many in the community disagree an unborn child ca...
Read full storyTOP SECRET! North Korea Obama Document Found In Valerie Jarrett’s Socks
WARNING: THIS STORY IS DESIGNATED TOP SECRET: It was found hidden in the socks of Valerie Jarrett as she was leaving the National Archives. BILLINGSGATE POST (Dateline March 25, 2012) From the ramparts of Observation Point Ouellette, the c...
Read full storyYou Ain’t Nothin’ But a Horndog
You ain't nothin' but a horndog Whinin’ all the time You ain't nothin' but a horndog Whinin’ all the time Well, you ain't never told the truth and you ain't no friend of mine Well they said you was high-classed Well, that was just a lie Yeah they said you was high-classed Well, that was just a lie You ain't never said a classy thing and you ain't no friend of mine You ain't nothin'...
Read full storyUS "Super Pooper" claims he was only dunging the school playing fields!
US dung beetles are having a field day in New Jersey after a mystery human "Super Pooper" left a trail of smelly, smoking crap around the sport fields of a school in Monmouth County. School authorities could not even blame local dogs pooing on the...
Read full storyOdors from Ecuador’s Embassy in London draw some concern
Surrounded by protesters and police keeping a close watch for any disturbance, Ecuador’s London embassy is subject to new investigations. That is, observers have noticed a certain odor that appears to be coming from this noble edifice, although fr...
Read full storyTrump and NRA solve problem of school shootings
President Trump and the National Rifle Association announced at a joint news conference that together they would urge Congress to appropriate $12,800,000,000 to provide every student in the country with a ballistic vest. "It's a win-win situation,...
Read full storyLoony Israeli Rabbi claims Trump is the returning 'Messiah!'
Now President Trump has been called many things in his short career, but a head-banging, loony, Israeli Rabbi has topped all of the descriptions of Trump's schizo characteristics, by claiming, "Trump is the return of the Messiah!" Jesus Christ, (...
Read full storyELO Blamed for Movie Tanking
The director of a depressing movie blames the ELO song in the trailer for the movie tanking at the box office. "When you hear an ELO song in the trailer, it means that the movie is quirky, funny, and hip," said director, Sam Rutger. "Why they chos...
Read full story4 Awful Mother’s Day Gifts to Show How Little You Care
It’s common knowledge that most people secretly dislike their parents, blaming them for their problems in life and resenting how they raised them. This, of course, creates challenges every May when Mother’s Day rolls around. You don’t want the woman...
Read full storyBarçelona's Lionel Messi Leaves Fan In Tears
Lionel Messi, the Barçelona and Argentina footballer, has been severely criticised this morning after leaving a fan in tears. The Argentine was in South Africa as part of the Barçelona squad who were there to play a match to commemorate 100 years...
Read full storyTennessee Man Meets Jesus With Whiskey on His Breath
Tennessee man Joshua Hendricks recently met his Maker – albeit for only about ninety seconds – with whiskey on his breath. “It wasn't exactly how I wanted it to happen,” admitted Hendricks, who fell into a coma as a result of alcohol poisoning but...
Read full storyLOL??? New Study Reports that People Are Funny
A new study released today by the American Psychological Association reports that people are funny - not funny in the "ha-ha sense," clarified APA President Evan Cartwright, but funny as in "weird, strange, bizarre. F-ed up, if you will.” Cartwrig...
Read full storySatan opens sink hole on White House lawn to shorten Trump's daily commute to Hell
What was originally reported as a geological event has been confirmed as a deliberate action taken by the Prince of Darkness. Satan has confirmed that the sink hole on White House property is actually a direct access point to Hell. "Donny was c...
Read full story“Perfect” Online Couple Question Their True Compatibility
It was love at first sight – and first site – for Mitch Hennessy and Kacey Craig when they encountered each other on the dating website Bumble, a first experience for both of them with the world of online dating. “I could tell she was the one,” sa...
Read full storyThe Secret England Footballer: Russia 2018 Call Up
I know...I know what you’re thinking. How is it that after two years in the wilderness Gormless Gareth has seen the light and called me back into the squad? I’ll tell you how. Even GG knows class when he sees it and it’s when the going gets tough...
Read full storyElephant Stampede Leaves None Dead
A stampede involving up to 100 elephants in the Angolan city of Luanda created widespread panic yesterday, with the animals careering through busy shopping streets packed with bargain hunters looking for that 'little something special' in their lunch...
Read full storyTrudeau to the World's Wretches: No Vacancy!
Beaver Pelt, Canada — Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, who recently tried to upstage the Statue of Liberty's invitation to the “teeming masses” of the world's “wretched refuse,” announced, to the world (but particularly to South Americans) that any and...
Read full storyMelania Trump Defends Cyberbullying
Melania Trump, the wife of US President, Donald J. Trump, has spoken out on her ruminations on social media, and its effects on those using it. In a speech about her latest initiative, 'Be Best', she said: "As we all know, social media can both...
Read full storyElderly man sues weight loss program after losing fifteen pounds and three inches!
An elderly man from Louisburg, North Carolina has sued a well known weight loss program after losing fifteen pounds and three inches using their program. His suit is for reckless endangerment, false advertising and public humiliation. He appeared a...
Read full storyThe Son of a Preacher Man (For Donald Trump)
Donald Trump was a preacher’s son And when his wife was givin’ birth And her family gathered round for support That’s when Donald Trump would start to cheatin’ That’s when Donald Trump would start to hittin’ On any porn star he’d see walkin’ Then he’d look into the camera’s eyes Lord, to all our surprise, He’d deny it all. The only one who could reach Evangelicals Was a porn star hornd...
Read full storyRoyal Ascot to become new UK cage-fighting center!
Royal Ascot, home of equestrian royalty, the final bastion of expensive designer female hats, Saville Row suits, royal processions, mega buckets of expensive champers, Rolls Royces, and High Society in general, has finally succumbed to the modern wa...
Read full storyFondle The Meat Balls
Insane and somewhat destructive news has come hurtling out of Sweden today as the country admitted that it’s famed “Swedish Meatballs” are in fact “Turkish”. At the mention of foreigners Brexiteers were up in arms and The Daily Mail published a “are...
Read full storyCritics: "Solo" is no go
HOLLYWEIRD, CALIFORNICATE — Although “Solo Sex: A Star Whores Story” is, by some accounts, “the worst movie ever made,” the news media feel obliged to cover the gooey mess, since Diznee Studios spends a lot of money advertising such fare in newspape...
Read full storyZombie babies invade Washington DC
Washington DC - According to MacDiner restaurant waitress Ms. Taekin, the town is being invaded by zombies. Little zombies. “Hordes of baby zombies, too young to crawl, are walking on their legs, eyes glazed over and drooling at the mouth. “One...
Read full storyTeacher's Armpits Were Rank
There were frowns all around the staffroom of a school in Battambang this morning, when a substitute teacher who had turned up to do a day's teaching took off her cardigan to reveal unsightly circles of perspiration in her armpits. In fairness, th...
Read full storyA Long-repressed Beef with 1960s Cheesecake
My wife's in the other room, working on crafts, so I'm free to address a concern I have about Playboy models, especially those of the 1960s (although my concern really includes Playmates of every year). What's my beef? The absurd conditions or situations under which the magazine's photographers expect Playboy “readers” (read “voyeurs”) to believe (or to pretend not to disbelieve) woman—or Playmate...
Read full storyRosie and Dim - On the Roseanne Barr Fallout
TV creature Rosanne Barr has blamed a series of racist Tweets on a sedative she had been taking. As we wait for the judge to come back from recess in our trial (completely trumped up charges of multi million pound embezzlement, we can’t even spell embezzlement without auto correct) we had a look at what other celebrities blamed shit behaviour on. Tommy Robinson: Recently incarcerated racist pat...
Read full storyCouple's security footage 'viewed by voyeurs'
Tony and Mary, are in their seventies, and have been watched by thousands of people around the world on their web-enabled security cameras - and didn’t even know. In 2015, due to security concerns, they fitted their suburban semi with what they th...
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