Sunday, 27 May 2018

image for Phil Collins says that "Incels" like him should just have a big wank
Phil Collins shows off his pet slug

Phil Collins is a 67 year old bald man best known for playing drums and sometimes yelping along. He is also an "Incel" or involuntarily celibate person, and he has a message for other Incels like him.

"I never lost me virginity nor nuffing until I woz 42. And that woz only coz the groupie thought I woz one of the other members of the band - I forget which one, but I never knew their names anyway. So yeah, I've been involuntarily celibate me whole life."

He says that he used to get very angry about the fact that he wasn't getting any sex, until he found a solution. "I found out that if I woz really wanting it or something, I'd just touch meself and have a big wank. It felt great and I totally chilled out afterwards. That's when they started calling me 'Spermatogenesis'."

Collins wrote a number of songs about his hobby, including "Invisible Touch", "Coming in the Air Tonight", and "Another Day In Paradise". All of them featured him masturbating along with the drums, and if you listen closely to those songs you can actually hear a faint fapping in the background.

The bald man says that he heard about Incels from reading the internet and thinks that they should follow his example. "They sound really angry, just like I was. So I have some advice for them - have a wank! It's free and it's fun. If I hadn't started wanking regular like, I wouldn't be where I am today - in a puddle of me own spooge."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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