Supermarket Mergers, Pacts And Other Such Shit

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 3 May 2018

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It's all getting rather exciting in the supermarket sector!

There was a swift reaction to the news earlier this week that supermarket giants Asda and Sainsbury were to merge, when several other major players also announced their own intentions to join forces.

First to react was Tesco, who revealed that they will go into partnership with Morrisons. Tesco boss John Allen said:

"We're teaming- up with Morrisons, but, if I'm honest, I wish it were Netto."

Allen went on:

"Netto had always been on our radar. They had an excellent business model, a massive share of the available market, and I'd always loved their plastic bags - the yellow ones with the little black dog on them."

Two other supermarkets that are rumoured to be involved in advanced discussions are the similarly-named Aldi and Lidl. Both German, this partnership is already being called Der Anschluss.

Waitrose, Co-op and Iceland are due to meet on Tuesday to discuss plans for a triumvirate, whatever that is.

In related news, shoe shop Schüh are thought to be in talks with Clarks, and, in Swindon, the rumour mill is working overtime with regard to a takeover of Bert's Paper Shop by J. Brown's Newsagents.

Meanwhile, Costa Coffee have said they wouldn't touch Starbucks with a barge pole.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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