Local Hospital, Last Resort Methodist, has opened its second food court in an effort to get more patients into the hospital.
“The first food court didn’t have enough disease in their food. This time, with options like McFryBird and Lard Cow, we’re guaranteed to make our patients and their families so sick with grease and inhumane preservatives they’ll be screaming to get admitted,” said hospital President Thomas Clayton.
After a tedious trial of negotiating with vendors, chains such as Holy Lettuce and Health Haven were instantly denied because they only offered, according to Clayton, “food for pussies."
“Look, I’m running a business here. We don’t need whole grains or fresh fruits. We need fat, oil, and occasional MSG.”
Clayton was also able to confirm a loyalty program that offered patients a free McFryBird, equipped with their famous dry lifeless chicken patties, after their second hospital stay.
“This loyalty program is doing wonders for me,” said loyal patient Bertha Davis, “After open heart surgery and kidney failure, getting that McFryBird was just the validation I needed.”