HOLLYWEIRD, CALIFORNICATE — Although “Solo Sex: A Star Whores Story” is, by some accounts, “the worst movie ever made,” the news media feel obliged to cover the gooey mess, since Diznee Studios spends a lot of money advertising such fare in newspapers, on the radio, on television, on the Internet, and elsewhere.
Movie critic Ima Mann explained, “Whether a Diznee flick is good, bad, or indifferent, we have to make up news about it; otherwise, the company won't spend Big Buck$ advertising with us, and some forms of the media, newspapers and MZ NBC in particular, are already nearly nearly bankrupt.”
The movie, directed by Opie Taylor, has “problems,” critics contend. An anthology film, it's really “fragments” of four different stories “held together with semen and a few outtakes from pornographic cartoons.”
Three of the four segments recount Han Solo's oral, anal, and phallic stages; the last segment deals with his transition from a male to a female character. “Han discovers he's really Princess Leia, trapped in a man's body,” Mann says, giving away a key element of the plot. "In one scene, Han laments, 'It should have been me at the end of Jabba the Hutt's leash, not Leia.'”
Mann, who is herself a transwoman, says the construction of Han's female body out of spare droid (or is that hemorrhoid?) parts is “offensive to the LGBT community and to me personally.” The development of Han as a female character is also “offensive,” Mann whines. “She becomes little more than the butt of sexist feminist jokes.” If the jokes were funny, Mann opines, “they might be funny, because feminism is so absurd.” The jokes might even be tolerable, if if they weren't funny, she added, "if Han had a nice-looking butt."
As it is, though, she says, the Farce is not with “Going Solo.” "I would NOT recommend it," Mann concluded. "Sorry Diznee."