BILLINGSGATE POST: If albino raccoons could talk, this might be a story that would raise eyebrows in Washington:
Ever since Davy Crockett skinned a raccoon and placed its fur on top his head, this animal has provided men of the frontier with warmth and companionship during the cold winters of early America. In raccoon lore, the Native American Indians who inhabited much of what is now the United States, gave the albino raccoon a special place in their hierarchy of gods. Because of its rarity, only the Medicine Man could wear the skin of this animal on his head.
Fast forward to June 16, 2015, when Donald Trump formally announced his presidential campaign. Much has been said that it was on this date that the collusion of Trump with the Russians began. But it was not until right before the election that Trump claimed that Trump Tower had been "wired." Little did he know that the the albino raccoon hairpiece that Vladimir Putin gifted to him was the source of all the leaks that infuriated Trump.
Albino raccoons are not easily bred. However, in a special raccoon breeding center outside Moscow at one of Vladimir Putin's many dachas, Putin personally oversaw a staff of specially trained geneticists and taxidermists who spent their lives breeding and stuffing raccoons, always vigilant for the one-in-a-million chance that an albino raccoon might be born.
Fortuitous for Putin, but not for Trump, a star was born: One that would forever change how men in high places could be recorded. With forensic skills previously unknown to common man, Little Anatoly was surreptitiously wired by skilled technicians and presented to candidate Trump by Mr. Putin as a gesture of good will.
And Now For The Rest Of the Story:
As reported earlier by BILLINGSGATE crack reporter, Detrick "Dirty Tricks" Detwiler, erstwhile Secret Service agent, Slim Everdingle, the only agent allowed to wear a white tee-shirt and Dickies Short Sleeve Mechanics Coveralls* in the White House, blew the covert, commie-pinko, albino raccoon son-of-a-bitch off the President's head with a 9mm Heckler & Koch MPS submachine gun with nary a scratch on the President's now bald pate.
*With a nod to Dickies for supplying Slim's uniform, the following commercial has been permitted by the United States Secret Service:
The Short Sleeve Mechanics Coveralls allow a generous fit in the shoulders and chest. Its bi-swing back and elastic waist inserts offer classic comfort and protection for the clandestine operations of Agent Everdingle.