Written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 8 May 2018

image for President Trump Waxes Philosophical Regarding Gun “Control” and Other Matters
"What is 'control,' anyway?" asked Trump rhetorically when pressed on the issue of stricter gun control laws.

In a rare moment of philosophical reflection, United States President Donald Trump shared with a small circle of parents and teachers pushing for stricter gun control laws his deeply considered views on the matter.

“What is 'control,' anyway?” queried Trump. “An illusion, a mirage. We can't control weapons of violence and brutality, any more than we can control human nature. I fear that passing laws around this issue would only provide people with a false sense of security. We need to look reality in the eye,” urged Trump. “And not back down.”

Trump went on to draw a parallel between guns and...addiction. “In Alcoholics Anonymous, for instance, the first step is admitting powerlessness. And there's immense freedom and healing that comes from that admission. We are powerless over guns.”

One woman, a high school teacher from Newtown, Connecticut, pointed out that, in AA, the admission of powerlessness is followed by a decision to completely refrain from using the substance over which one is powerless. “Are you suggesting that we abstain entirely from guns?” she asked, clearly pleasantly surprised at the notion. “As in outlaw them entirely?”

Trump chuckled at the proposition. “No, no, of course not. In Buddhism, there's something called the middle way. Which basically means that you live in the world and continue to do whatever you were previously doing, but you make sure that you do it with awareness. That's what I'm talking about.”

“I'm not a Buddhist,” Trump clarified. “But it's all about living and letting live. It is what it is. That's really the point I'm making here. You can't go home again.”

And so what, exactly, is on the president's agenda regarding gun laws?

Trump inhaled deeply, looking beatific. “If you love something, set it free. You know the rest."

One woman, clearly dissatisfied what she called the president's "platitudes," put in, “What about climate change? Are you at least going to do something about that?”

The president nodded thoughtfully. “Right, right. Things are heating up, no question about it. And if you can't stand the heat...”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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