There were 108 spoof news stories published in August 2015. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
"Stop the Silly Yakking" Babies Advise Grownups
Observed by a reporter who understands baby talk, babies at a Day Care Center had a lot to say about what annoyed them about how adults speak. Here are a few direct quotes (as recorded by the reporter) from a number of different babies in the pack: -- "I hate it when my mom and dad use that silly baby talk with me. Y'know, 'Goo goo, ga ga, coochie, coochie, coo.' Ridiculous! Why don't they gro...
Read full storyBeloved Dentist Mauled To Death By Lion
Brian, the dentist, is dead, killed by a hungry lion in Florida, who escaped from Miami Zoo earlier this morning according to authorities. Brian was part of an Oxford University research project, which tracked the movements of dentists across the...
Read full storyDonald Duck to Donald Trump: Withdraw or I Will Change My Name!
Disney World Bar and Grill - Somewhere in the bowels of underground labyrinth at Disney World the now retired Donald Duck held court today at his favorite Classic Cartoons Only Bar and Grill. There along with the likes of Mickey Mouse, Cheshire Cat,...
Read full storyBlue Balls Creamey Introduces Second New Ice Cream Flavor
BRENHAM, TX - Blue Balls Creamery has released the name of the second flavor to be released when the ice cream goes back on store shelves: Mysteria. On Monday, the company said that Salmavilla was also going to be released. Blue Balls ice cream...
Read full storyHow come the illegal drug market never crashes?
1. Junkies are smarter than brokers. 2. The illegal drug market is protected by American law enforcement. Barney Frank patrols Wall Street. 3. Pull over. I think your tail light is out. 4. The illegal drug emarket is protected by politicians who get rich on bribes. 5. Assume the position. 6. People don't realize that prohibition puts the profitability into trafficking drugs. In othe...
Read full storyObama and Kim Jong-Un Phone Call
Last Fall, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un became enraged with the United States due to the upcoming release of the movie "The Interview." It has long been rumored that the dictator personally called President Obama to express his outrage, but until now the details of their conversation have never been revealed. Thanks to a secret North Korean source we are now able to publish a transcri...
Read full storyBernie Sanders Teams Up with Colonel Sanders
KFC has announced that all of its 7 Vermont locations will now feature Bernie Sanders cookbook recipes mixed with Colonel Sanders' old favorites. New menu items include: Karl Marx progressive Jewish commie chicken patties, grilled Hillary extr...
Read full storyKim Kardashian (who?) swallowed pills on TV!
A young lady, not her father, called Kim Kardashian (Before we continue can someone explain to the world what she has actually done to become so famous? Answers to Jaggedone's CIA 'Cockroach Infiltration Army' HQ and the winner will receive a copy of...
Read full storyDonald Trump Tricks Mexican Kids Into Taking A Ride On His Helicopter & Drops Them In Tijuana
A helicopter landed just after noon on Saturday in Iowa, causing a short but violent windstorm. Grown men shivered; babies cried. Dust swirled up from the parking lot, stinging and burning the eyes of the innocent onlookers. The pilot cut the engines...
Read full storyHillary Tells Obama To Call Off FBI Or She Will Reveal His Kenyan Birth Certificate
BILLINGSGATE POST: We're now officially talking "HARDBALL." In an interview with Chris Matthews on MSNBC, Hillary Clinton was asked by the fast talking loudmouth if there was anything she could do to stop the FBI from breaking down her private serve...
Read full storyTop Executive Quits Million Dollar Job to Open Up Neighborhood Lemonade Stand
With the help of his six-year old daughter, Neil Q. Pattison, CEO of OpenSecurity, the latest up and coming software company out of Silicon Valley, quit his high-paying job and opened up a neighborhood lemonade stand. "Now my daughter Leila is t...
Read full storyOverdressed Man Accidentally Walks Into Walmart
When 38-year old Jeff O'Mairs went to Walmart last Sunday afternoon overdressed, repercussions were severe. A blast of Facebook rants and Instagram photos of him shopping while wearing a suit in the paper goods aisle went viral. The perpetrator...
Read full storyTrump Hires Godzilla To Patrol Mexican Border
Presidential Candidate Donald Trump released his Mexican Border Protection Plan today. "I have obtained an exclusive 50 year employment contract with Godzilla. He will patrol the entire Mexican border,where he will literally stomp out illegal aliens"...
Read full storyTrump Announces He's an Atheist Who Eats Pâté Made from the Livers of Unborn Fetuses; His Poll Numbers Soar
MACON, GA-At a campaign event for 2024 held last Wednesday at Trump Arena in Macon, GA, Donald Trump announced that he is an atheist who often dines on pâté made from the livers of unborn fetuses. Political pundits following Trump's comments at his c…
Read full storyDonald Trump Thanks Satire Media for Gifting Him 2016 Election
Hey! Listen up, you poor, miserable, deluded little satire writers. You guys thought you could make fun of the old Trump here, you thought I was just like all the other guys, right? Yeah, I know what you guys do. I know your style. You did it to Clinton. You did to Bush. You're doing it to Obama. And somehow, you poor, pitiful little satire scribblers and jaded comedy jacks thought you cou...
Read full storyAmish Man Banned For Inappropriate Hat Choice
Forced to leave the only world he knew behind, Joseph Schullermann was banished from his Amish community after he was caught sporting an unsanctioned non-traditional type hat. When asked about his blatant disregard for the rules of his brethren,...
Read full storyDead Sewer Rat Out Polls Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden Against GOP Candidates!!
After Joe Biden's numbers against the GOP frontrunners shocked many for a man who has yet to make a speech, many thought the Democratic party would be satisfied. But to everyone's surprise in steps...er perhaps thrown in, a dead rat dubbed Ronald Rat...
Read full storyObama Kills Superman
It was a sad day for Superman fans to discover that their shiny spandex wearing hero is not so super after all. It turns out the man of steel has a few imperfections which all serve to prove without a doubt that the famed hero from Krypton is nothing...
Read full storyMan sentenced to treadmill after eating doughnuts before lunch
A man who ate doughnuts before having lunch has appeared before Bolton Crown Court to be sentenced. Twisted Luke Smith, of Sharnford Close, Bolton, indulged in the sugary delights on Friday 15th May 2015 just before lunch time. The 21-year-old...
Read full storyNew App Will Call a Party-Goer to Crack Your Smart Phone Screen in Authentically "Cool" Manner
New York, NY- Today, the new "CrackIt" app was officially launched to much fanfare, it's an app that provides users a "socially legitimate phone screen crack" on-demand. The app was bolstered by an impressive $2 million dollar seed funding round, led...
Read full storyLocal Thunder-Thighs Wreak Havoc on Townspeople
With the peak of the summer season, the heat and humidity have locals concerned about the effect that local thunder-thighs have on the well-being of their neighborhood. As shorts get shorter, and tops become more cropped, it leaves much more room fo...
Read full storyMy neighbor and friend Jacko gets diagnosed with Alice in Wonderland Syndrome
My friend and neighbor Jacko stopped by the other day and told me that a doctor had just diagnosed him with Alice in Wonderland Syndrome. Now Jacko is so wild and weird that nothing he says or does is too far-fetched for me, but I must admit, I became a little concerned about this diagnosis. "What exactly is Alice in Wonderland Syndrome?" I asked him. "Well it all started with all these horr...
Read full storyDonald Trump Sports Hitler Haircut
Attendees at a recent Republican debate were surprised to see Donald Trump sporting a "Hitler" haircut, complete with a toothbrush mustache tattooed onto his upper lip. Before the words "Definite improvement" or "Accurate reflection of the man's id...
Read full storyEdinburgh Fringe Festival to change it's name to "Posh White People Do Comedy Festival"
The Edinburgh Comedy Fridge is the most prolific comedy festival in the UK and is the world's largest arts festival. Many performers and comedians usually are expected to pay up to as much as £6000 to put on a show at the Fringe Festival and despite...
Read full storyStudy raises concerns about rising dentist bone trade for traditional medicine in parts of Asia
FLORIDA - Authorities are warning of a new potential threat to America's dentist population: The increasing use of dentist's bones to replace lion bones in traditional medicine in parts of Asia. The dentist bone trade, which has surged this year,...
Read full storyLiberty University Patents New Psychiatric Medication
The faculty of neuroscience at Liberty University has just received a patent for a new psychiatric medication called "Inspiron", which promises to enhance the spirituality of mental patients. Research chair Samuel Isaiah explained to reporters tha...
Read full storyU.S. Citizens To Be Used As Anti-Terrorist Sentries Around Europe
French President Francois Hollande today thanked three U.S. citizens for their brave intervention on a packed Subway train after their actions thwarted a heavily armed terrorist and undoubtedly saved dozens of innocent lives. Mr Hollande wasted no...
Read full storyMan in the moon?!
A photo taken from Google Moon claims to have captured the fossilized face of an ancient man, alien - or even that of an ancient statue. But NASA says that is probably not the case. Facebook user, Johnathon Mathin posted a photo of the find mad...
Read full storyDonald Trump Is Creating A New Political Vocabulary
New York -- Presidential hopeful Donald Trump is changing the way America talks and thinks about presidential politics. New words and phrases are continually popping up on the campaign trail. They are being generated by the candidate himself as well...
Read full storyDragons' Den New Boy Touker Suleyman Actually Backs Something
Dragons' Den new addition, Touker Suleyman, yesterday shocked viewers by actually liking an idea and parting with some cash. The Dragons' newest addition was under suspicion of not actually having any money, due to his constant, scathing dismissal...
Read full storyRex Ryan Behind IK Enemkpali Breaking Geno Smith's Jaw
It appears that there is more to the story of IK Enemkpali breaking Geno Smith's jaw than we were first led to believe. Sources originally reported that the linebacker had "sucker-punched" Smith over $600 that the Jet's quarterback had owed him. The...
Read full storyChelsea Players Asked Not To Dive During Man City Match
Chelsea players have been implored not to dive during their head to head with Manchester City, due to a lack of medical staff on their bench. After Jose Mourinho's bizarre sending off of his medical team, it has left the London side facing a diffi...
Read full storyCorbyn calls for Dolphin Expulsion
Labour leadership frontrunner Jeremy Corbyn has called for all Dolphins in British water parks to be expelled from the country, after a Palestinian group accused Israel of using trained Dolphins to spy on them. Mr Corbyn said in a speech to suppo...
Read full storyCougar Scandal!
BRANDON, MB-Local college boy Brent Simmons admitted Monday that the true identity of the woman he calls his mother, one Shirley Simmons, is actually his 45 year old mistress; a cougar named Diamond Foulfish. The relationship according to Simmons,...
Read full storySatirical News Writers Struggle to Create Exaggerated Headlines Concerning Donald Trump
Hollywood, CA and Planet Zorbion- A group of satirical news writers have expressed utter frustration in coming up with hyperbole-filled headlines and stories concerning Donald Trump. A 20-year veteran of the field, Mark Wadink, complained, "Any t...
Read full storyTarget Continues Its Nonsensical Non-Labelling
In its sweep of non-labelling, Target turned the tables on fruit lovers. Not wanting to offend anyone, its fruits, fresh or packaged, will now be thrown into a large bin and with signage: Fruit Flavored Stuff. "If you want a lime for your Coron...
Read full storyWile E. Coyote Claims Road Runner Is Hillary's Love Child With Anthony Weiner
BILLINGSGATE POST: This story has to be true, if only because of the striking resemblance between the Road Runner and his purported parents, Hillary Clinton and Anthony Weiner. Have some doubts? Just check out side-by-side photos of the three of th...
Read full storyThe Case Against Jesus...Find of the Century
Archaeologists digging near Jerusalem have unearthed what could be the find of the century... a document purporting to list the actual charges made against Jesus Christ. Jesus was formally arraigned at the house of the High Priest Caiaphas before a gathering of Scribes and officials belonging to the Jerusalem Sanhedrin council. The list of indictments was read out to the defendant who made...
Read full storyTrump Confuses "Guantanamo" With "Guacamole" - Blames Mexicans for Torture
Donald Trump this morning blamed Mexicans for any torture that occurred at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, saying that "since Mexicans brought that nasty green guantanamo dip with them when they illegally crossed the border into Cuba, they've been force-feedin...
Read full story1988: A Mock Epic for Two Parties
1988: A Mock Epic for Two Parties "I can't believe I'm losing to this guy." Michael Dukakis to Diane Sawyer, 1988. Election night and I turn on Democracy on CNN. Proclaim, O Muse, how it turned out We ended up with such a rout. Was sleaze this year inordinate Or do our noses swim in stink? So that we can't tell gold from brass Or how George Bush could be so crass. The Hero of my...
Read full storyTeenager threatened to burn Santa Claus' house down and knife his elves because he got him the wrong kind of trainers for Christmas
An 18-year-old British teenager threatened to burn down Santa Claus' home and knife his elves after he gave him the wrong kind of trainers for Christmas. Jake Wilder travelled to the North Pole armed with a kitchen knife, screaming at Santa 'I'll...
Read full storyTwitter Erupts In Fury Over Something Or Other
Twitter users were in uproar over something last night. Someone said something about someone, or something, and Twitter was immediately outraged. Users of the social media giant vented their fury about the incident, some using several consecut...
Read full storyJesus Is A Sellout, Says God
God, The Almighty, sensationally slammed his own son yesterday, labelling him a 'sellout'. The omnipotent Supreme Being was talking at the 'Save The Church Bell' committee meeting in Farnborough, when he made the shock statement. Asked if Jesus...
Read full storyFreedom at Last for Americans
Extra Legislation to Protect 'Freedom'. Washington: Congress has passed new bills under instructions from Emperor Barack Obama to protect what he calls "citizens' inviolable freedoms". What does it mean? Well,... as a reward for giving up on their Freedom of Speech upon which America's 'democracy' is founded, American sheeple can now have their innate freedoms legally protected. They are...
Read full storyGod save the blond
Warfare has been man's prime idiocy ever since he came to existence. He fought for food, water and pasture; now, fights for petroleum, minerals and markets. Religions have provided esprit de corps to achieve these goals. However, we read in literature, that many men have died in pursuit of sex. Therefore, we may add sex as an impulse to engage in fighting. Nevertheless, nature or whatever uses...
Read full storyEddie Salazar Of Double Lined Minority Confirmed Nose Fetishist: 3 Dead
Eddie Salazar, vocalist for Gold Coast pop punk band Double Lined Minority went on a Facebook rant today about his immense love for the nose. Claiming he loves when they are quote "on point". Double Lined Minority has recently toured with confirm...
Read full storyStock Market Volatility forces CEO to consider giving up "Wednesday Home"
With China's market crash having an effect on the US Stock Exchange even the wealthiest of "1%" are feeling the pinch. Take, for example, Jeffrey Van Thornhurst, CEO of Takyour Financial Inc. who has felt a very direct personal impact due to the mon...
Read full storyTrumpenstein - The Horror The Republicans Created That Now Comes Back To Devour Them.
A Rathskeller deep in the forested woods. Night has drawn its blackest curtain across the outer world, blocking out even the niggardly light from the stars. Rain hammers against the windows and lightning cackles in the air. A troupe of men with faces that seek the shadows meet in a corner booth away from the gazes of the other inn patrons. They speak in cautious whispers that they wish no other...
Read full storyHorror: Man Puts Two Sugars In Wife's Coffee
A sussex man was in shock last night after admitting to police that he had put two sugars in his wife's coffee. The unnamed man, Brian Talbot (53), told officers the incident occurred at around half past nine, when his wife Vera asked him to be a...
Read full storyPresident Obama's Missing Passport
Seems that President Obama was all set to board Air Force One when an official from the TSA Department at Andrew's Air Force Base stopped him before climbing the steps. The official wanted to check his Passport. Obama said he didn't have one. He expl...
Read full storyHubble Telescope Finds Kim Kardashian shaped meteorite
The Hubble Telescope has identified a shiny, curvaceous new meteorite circling our solar system. Named KK-36-26-42 by NASA, the discovery has scientists excited, if not a little over-excited. Spokesman Elmo Seaman explained. "This is a very unusu...
Read full storyKentucky man digs up his father's grave to argue with the corpse
SANFORD Ky - Michael May, 44, was discovered by Sanford police digging up his father's grave in a cemetery on Monday night, Aug. 17. May told the arresting officer that he was trying to exhume daddy so he could argue with him. May was charged with violating graves, public intoxication and marijuana possession and was expeditiously locked up in the Lincoln County Jail. What a fucking weirdo.
Read full storyWhy Does the Chicken Cross the Road? To Get Her New Leg!
The countryside was bright at the crack of dawn and the cluck-clucking of the yard's twenty chickens sounded welcoming. Henrietta, the now famous chicken, also lived in this small farm house in rural Franklin, Texas. She clucked with the best of them and was obviously a leg up above the others. The reason? Henrietta had a new artificial leg. Henrietta the pet chicken received her $2,500...
Read full storyQueen Elizabeth Denounces Canadian Citizenship
BUCKINGHAM PALACE - Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II held a press conference today denouncing her Canadian citizenship. "I was born in the United Kingdom and lived exclusively in the United Kingdom. There have been trips across the pond. bu...
Read full story'Donald Trump is real' says Trump's toupee
Donald Trump's toupee has insisted in a recent press conference that Donald Trump is, in fact, a real person. 'Many people seem to think he's a comedy character or even a figment of their imagination' said the toupee, 'but he's actually real and...
Read full storyMexican Immigrants to Blame for Illness Outbreaks in the U.S.
It's no secret that the U.S. has been plagued with several illness outbreaks lately. The Ebola scare seems to be the first to come to mind, now the most recent, Legionnaire's in New York City, is dominating the news today. These are not the only on...
Read full storyMy old English Comp Professor Feducious T. Flynt is working on a S/F novel rooted in the world of real science
I ran into my old English Comp Professor Feducious T. Flynt at the mall the other day and he told me he quit teaching and was now going to be a science-fiction writer. "That's terrible. Absolutely atrocious. I feel so sorry for you, Feducious," I said. "No, no, no. It's wonderful. And I'm just about at the halfway point of my first novel," he said jubilantly. "I'm doing so well that I decide...
Read full storyTrump card fails!
It seems though non-alcoholic, non-drug-taking, clean as a whistle, multi-billionaire candidate for the the US presidency, Herr Trump, has played his final ace and it floundered! Donald, a now dead duck, has said publicly that the US are bunch of...
Read full storyPutin wins Stalin Truth Award
Vladimir Putin has been granted Russia's most prestigious civil award, the Stalin Truth Award. The Stalin Truth Award recognises Russians who most consistently don't tell the truth. The Award Panel, coincidentally comprising 7 members of Mr Putin's f...
Read full storyISIS announces extreme adventure holidays in Jihadiland
In a bid to get hold of Western currency, ISIS has opened a holiday resort in Iraq promising unique extreme holiday experiences. Called Jihadiland, and built using rubble from several dynamited antiquities,the new facility has already attracted 4...
Read full storyCorbyn to Exhume Thatcher
Labour Leadership frontrunner Jeremy Corbyn today told supporters that were he to be elected Prime Minister he would exhume the body of Margaret Thatcher and place it on trial for her crimes and expunging her premiership from history. "First I wi...
Read full storyFlorida grandmother wants a homeless man 'iced' for giving her grandchildren lice
NEW SMYRNA BEACH, Fla. (AP) - A central Florida woman may be going to the hoosegow for a while for allegedly making plans to hire a 'hit man' to kill the homeless man who she reportedly believes gave her grandchildren lice. That old adage and comm...
Read full storyEmotional-Support Animals up 279%
The percentage of applications for emotional-support animals among pets have gone up 279% from 2011, according to the latest pretty and glittery graph on the internet. "We have seen an increase in emotional-support animals among pet travelers," r...
Read full storyGuy Who Claims to Have Multiple Personalities Really Just a Lying Creep with a Boring Life
Do you have a colleague who always tells you about the crazy-fun weekend he had, when all you can do is think about how you were home alone in a snuggie watching Netflix? You know, the guy who talks about how he took a last-minute flight to Miami...
Read full storyCalifornia Law Makers Consider Taxating Gravity
Sacramento, CA: California residents were outraged a few years ago when a "rain tax" was under consideration, but then the clouds parted and the Golden State was blessed with a history making drought. Despite worrying whether or not showering will be...
Read full storyTrump Will Drop BOMB In Debate: Ayatollah Khamenei Holds Obama's Kenyan Birth Certifcate
BILLINGSGATE POST: Sources close to Donald Trump advised FOX NEWS to be prepared for total chaos tonight. BILLINGSGATE crack investigative reporter, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detrich, was told that the Supreme Leader of Iran, Ayatollah Khamenei, called...
Read full storyHail Caesar! - On the plight of Illegals
[AT A PRESS CONFERENCE IN IOWA] . . . and the third part of my plan to stop illegal immigration involves the erection of a new stadium on the U.S. - Mexican border. It'll be called the Trump Coliseum, and it'll have a separate entrance for those people who own one of the condos that will be included there as a part of the complex, as well as a multiplex theater, at least two three star restauran...
Read full storyJohn Wick II Is Coming
Knowing they have a hit on their hands with John Wick, John Wick II is presently in the delivery room. John Wick II opens with a Fed Ex mid-night delivery of a pet carrier. Unlike John Wick I, John Wick II remembers to return the delivery lady her pe...
Read full storyTrump's Epic Fantasy Wall: Speculation Intensifies On Tycoon's Creative Process
Donald Trump is facing intense public pressure to reveal the method of working behind his idea to build The Great Wall of The United States. Fresh allegations have surfaced that it could be based on at least one fantasy series. The border chasteni...
Read full storyDonald Trump's Hair selected as Donald Trump's Running Mate
Donald Trump's inexplicable hair has decided to put its notoriety to good use, and ride that exposure to the second highest seat in the land. Donald Trump has declared that, "The only thing on the planet audacious enough to meet my Vice Presidential...
Read full storyCorbyn plans National Uniform
Following on from his announcement that women only trains be run, to stop women being molested, Labour leadership frontrunner has gone further by suggesting that all people wear a simple garment that is both loose and unflattering to stop any sort of...
Read full storyCorbyn The Shocking "Truth"
Shocking We can reveal today the shocking truth about Labour contender Jeremy Corbyn. We can disclose the nature of those he calls his friends. We know the sort of food he eats - this will be difficult to digest! Corbyn once addressed a rall...
Read full storyOn the problem of choosing how and where to drop a stink pickle
Niagara Falls, NY - Attempts to avoid colleagues in professional settings is an all too familiar practice. Have you ever gone to a different floor of your office building to drop a bomb? What about having the turtle's head poking out but preventing M...
Read full storyGod's Office
God's Office (1-800-GR8 1) Cherubic voices singing "We are the World," followed by . . . You have reached the offices of God. Para continuar en Espanol, oprimes dos. Our office hours are from 0000 to infinity, Zulu time. After you hear the music of the spheres, please leave your message. No need to leave your name or contact information. We know it. Before you leave your message, please...
Read full story"Carpenter, you have spilled the whiskey!" Bang! Bang! Bang!
DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. - Next summer's vacation season, if you visit Daytona Beach, you can stop by a gun range that's connected to a "booze-filled restaurant," do some target practice with your .44 magnum, get a bite to eat, and then you can do some sh...
Read full storyEnglish Premier League kicks off with a hangover!
After months of waiting, starving and going insane watching repeats of Eastenders, at last the English Premier League kicks into action once again! Lineker has followed the bucks, which has left the Beeb having to search for a new sonny boy. T...
Read full storyDonald Trump unveils his plan to become President either side of the border
Using his immense persuasive powers and a couple of spare billion dollars, Donald Trump has embarked to become President of either Mexico or the US this decade. Trump explained at a press conference this morning. "The way I see it, it doesn't ma...
Read full storyIowa State Fair Exposes True Nature Of Politics by Having Presidential Candidates Penned Up.
This year's crop of Presidential weeds..... er... candidates made their appearance this week at the traditional show case starting gate for the quad yearly election- the Iowa State Fair. This time in a stock pen. All the hopefuls vying for the so-...
Read full storyLion Comes Under Scrutiny for Unfair Hunting Practices
King Reximus Purfectus, a native lion of Zimbabwe, has recently come under heavy scrutiny for what has been described as "unfair hunting procedures". King Rex, as he is know by the locals, has been accused of luring unsuspecting American hunters wit...
Read full storyThe News (Really) Bytes - July 2015
Buddhists show their deep belief in the teachings of their saint- Buddha- by murdering and repressing the ethnic Muslims in Myanmar. Turkey, coming to the aid of the U.S. and other nations battling Isis in the Middle-east decide to drop a few bomb...
Read full storyTrump: I Didn't Say Megyn Kelly Has "Ramshackle Ovaries And Clapboard Breasts"
BILLINGSGATE POST: Yesterday on Meet the Press, Chuck Todd asked Donald Trump if he had doubled down on Megyn Kelly when he suggested that the only thing wrong with Ms. Kelly was that the top of her head wasn't flat enough to rest a beer can on when...
Read full story"It's reality Jim, but not as we know it!"
In keeping with its 'right on' left wing stance and cheap programming, the BBC has announced it is to broadcast a special edition of its flagship religious programme 'Songs of Praise' from a notorious Calais shithole migrant camp. Regular present...
Read full storyWe do like to be beside the seaside.
Sucking on her fifth Black Russian, both literally and metaphorically, WPC Fiona McCracken got unsteadily off her knee's, re-positioned herself on the bar stool and waving goodbye to her hunky donor Dimitri, began to narrate how she had ended up sh…
Read full storyHolly Willoughby In Need Of Plumbing
Holly Willoughby has admitted to needing urgent medical plumbing on her eyes, to stop a persistent leak that has been getting worse over the last few episodes of the revamped hit TV show 'Surprise, Surprise'. The seals around Holly's eyes have bec...
Read full storyTrump To Name Dr. Ben Carson As Personal Brain Surgeon: Carly As Hat Check Girl
BILLINGSGATE POST: Confident that he will win the Republican nomination and be elected president, Donald Trump revealed that he has already contacted Dr. Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina about joining his cabinet. Trump said that he was so impressed...
Read full storyMale bias in building mens' toilets discovered
Following revelations from Dutch researchers that office thermostats are set based on the metabolism of a 40 year old 154 pound man (called Stan) and his pet gorilla called Eric, lesbian researchers in Reykjavik have made another startling discovery. Extensive research shows that male toilets throughout the world have been designed with the needs of males of all ages in mind with total disregar...
Read full storyHillary Goes Balls To The Wall To Woo Elizabeth Warren
BILLINGSGATE POST: Hearing reports of Vice-President Biden meeting with Elizabeth Warren to get her blessing for his possible run for the presidency, Hillary Clinton cut short her vacation in the Hamptons with her unfaithful sidekick, Slick Willie,...
Read full storyFrance To Build Bridge to the UK
The French Government in a gesture of friendship for Britain are to construct an enormous bridge between Calais and Dover. Ironically it is expected that the massive construction will be in place before Britain votes to leave the European communit...
Read full story19-year old Colorado Man Irate that July's Blue Moon was White
Angry 19-year old Duncan "Kev" Calburn, 19, has been blowing up the switchboard at NASA's headquarters, first by leaving demanding voicemails wanting an answer, and then simply by hanging up. The FBI reports that, to date, there have been 542 documen...
Read full storyRoyal corgis victims of Rolf Harris
A spokesman for Buckingham Palace has confirmed rumours circulating in London that the Royal corgis were amongst Rolf Harris' victims of sexual abuse. However rumours of a foursome involving the Duchess of Cornwell have been hotly denied by the Ro...
Read full storyCowards lose
In the small hours, the battle cries of two stray large tomcats made sleep for the inhabitants really impossible. The cries were not regular meows; they were accompanied by accentuated words and expressions very similar to man's everyday conversation and, consequently, interpretable. Whether the fight was territorial dispute or sexual claims, could not be determined. Since the fighting had beco...
Read full storyAnuta Polynesian Tribe Releases Statement to Preemptively Respond to a Potential Donald Trump Verbal Attack
ANUTA ISLAND- "He's going to get around to insulting us sooner or later" was the sentiment echoed by the Anuta tribe of smallest inhabited location on the planet. The inhabitants of the tiny Polynesian island, Anuta, have released a statement whic...
Read full storyAlzheimers sufferers forget to take their medicine
On a global scale, Alzheimers sufferers are forgetting to take their medication. "Cures based on remembering to take tablets are doomed to failure" said sufferer Arthur, who wishes to remain anonymous because he can't remember his surname. "It doesn'...
Read full storyHillary And Huma Plot Blockbuster Spouse Swap: Weiner Goes To Willie Plus 100K
BILLINGSGATE POST: Not since 1973, the year New York Yankee pitchers, Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich traded their wives, kids and dogs in an across-the-board swap, has there been anything close to what is now being called the "trade of the century"...
Read full storyAustralian Prime Minister thinks
Australian Prime Minister Tony Abcess has been discovered thinking. His wife, Maggie Achin held a press conference this afternoon at their Struggle Street one-roomed unit. "G'day. I got some news for yous. I know Tony likes to give out knighthood...
Read full storyKim Jong-un buys Prince Charles' ears
Kim Jong-un, aka Kim Fook Yall, Supreme Leader of the of the Extremely Happy Dream Paradise Thin People's Republic of Korea, Chairman of the Rapidly Disappearing Central Military Commission, World Champion Kids Slide Rider and Undisputed World Heavy...
Read full storyAn Irishman Foresees his Birth
Paddy O'Shea Remembers Being Born. Paddy O'Shea of no fixed address London decided to seek help for his alcohol addiction. He was referred to the Tony Blair Asylum for the Insanely Deluded where he underwent hypnotherapy in the course of which he was regressed to infancy and beyond. Paddy, to psychiatrist Dr. Theo Leonard's amazement was able to recount in vivid detail his life in the womb and...
Read full storyHillary's Emails Leaked
WikiStinks has examined all of Hillary Clinton's top secret classified emails. Hillary's true feelings are now known. Some high and lowlights: "i've always had a crush on janet reno. angela merkel's not bad either. lol." "i like a strong woman. xoxo. lgbtlol." "bengazzi shmengazzi. omg! wtf?" "whitewater rafting and cattle futures are my favorite hobbies. who's vince foster? lmao."...
Read full storyTrump Launches Reelection Campaign
Billionaire businessman and presidential hopeful Donald Trump is not going to wait until the 2016 Presidential election to launch his reelection campaign. He figures starting now will give him a head start on the 2020 campaign and will make getting...
Read full storyNot in the AIA Guide
Not in the AIA Guide The latest issue of the AIA Guide to New York City is out. As expected, it contains all the old favorites. But the recent work of one quasi-architect, this weekend's darling of the movers and shakers (not the Shakers), is not to be found in this "Classic Guide to New York's Architecture." The artiste, Leonard Reklame ("Rek") Kaufmann, variously known to the architecto...
Read full storyKim Jong-un Wins International Prize
North Korea's Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un is set to receive an award for being Earth's nicest inhabitant. The global community has recently announced that the North Korean leader has accepted the 'International Niceness' prize for his 'peace, just...
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