Written by Brandy Pasquino

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

image for On the problem of choosing how and where to drop a stink pickle
Activating a localized fire alarm may eliminate the temptation to mask noise during the defecation process.

Niagara Falls, NY - Attempts to avoid colleagues in professional settings is an all too familiar practice. Have you ever gone to a different floor of your office building to drop a bomb? What about having the turtle's head poking out but preventing Mr Brown from taking the last step to successfully cross the last frontier until your colleague leaves the bathroom?

We certainly have been in such situations. But how far are you willing to go to dodge collegial interactions in workplace bathrooms?

Bart Krapp of Niagara Falls employed a somewhat unusual strategy to limit embarrassing bathroom interactions with colleagues: localized fire alarms. Mr Krapp altered his office building's fire alarm system so that, upon activation, only workers on his floor of the 100-story office building heard the sounds of the alarm. A source close to Mr Krapp indicated that the 5-minute fire alarm allowed him "the freedom to exorcise the demons and clean up without being faced with colleagues and needing to pretend to enjoy having the typical office banter."

Before being thrown into the back seat of a police car, we managed to get one quote from the now infamous Mr Krapp: "I just want the public to know that not only do fire alarms save lives, but they can also save your dignity in the workplace."

At press time, we learned that one of Mr Krapp's colleagues sprang up from the toilet when he heard the fire alarm and soiled himself as he darted toward the stairwell. The colleague was unavailable for comment, but a preliminary investigation reveals that he has consulted an attorney for a workplace humiliation lawsuit.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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