Stock Market Volatility forces CEO to consider giving up "Wednesday Home"

Funny story written by StubbornGorilla

Thursday, 27 August 2015

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Stock Market

With China's market crash having an effect on the US Stock Exchange even the wealthiest of "1%" are feeling the pinch. Take, for example, Jeffrey Van Thornhurst, CEO of Takyour Financial Inc. who has felt a very direct personal impact due to the money lost on Wall Street this week.

"I certainly will need to take a look at my personal finances, and scale back a bit this year," the clearly distraught businessman explained. "We are seriously considering renting out our Wednesday home to help ease some of the stress this has put upon my family."

When asked to explain what a "Wednesday home" is Van Thornhurst replied, "It's the house we stay in on Wednesday, during the summer, after we go yachting on Tuesday nights in Connecticut. Essex is still close enough to town in the event I need to go in to work the next day."

Jeffrey went on to explain the hardships that the move would have on his personal life, "My wife, Champagne and her dog, Poopsie would be so depressed if we have to sacrifice yacht night. I'm not sure our marriage could handle it long term."

Asked how he thought the downturn might impact the average person compared to him Van Thornhurst replied, "at least they have handouts like social security to cover their losses."

When it was explained to him that people actually pay into social security he seemed perplexed, "No, I'm quite sure it's a handout program. If it is for everyone why wouldn't I qualify?"

It was explained to him that he would have to have been paid more than a $1 a year salary with most of his compensation deferred to bonuses and stock options to qualify.

"I'm sure you're wrong. I know there is some way that I am paying for this. You can't convince me that moochers that rely on the money I make could possibly do something to contribute to their own comfort and security."

Asked how long he might have to forgo his Wednesday home Van Thornhurst explained, "At least two months. After that the water really starts to get choppy, so you may as well throw out the rest of the year as well. If you average people only knew..."

How does the downtrodden CEO plan to deal with his current hardship?

"I suppose I'll have to drive the extra hour back and forth from my Tuesday/Thursday home to the yacht club. My driver may not be happy, but my marriage is worth a few sacrifices."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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