Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Monday, 31 August 2015

image for Trump Announces He's an Atheist Who Eats Pâté Made from the Livers of Unborn Fetuses; His Poll Numbers Soar

MACON, GA-At a campaign event held last Wednesday at Trump Arena in Macon, GA, Donald Trump announced that he is an atheist who often dines on pâté made from the livers of unborn fetuses. Political pundits following Trump's comments at his campaign event expected his numbers to drop precipitously, but instead--as a Quinnipiac poll released over the weekend revealed--Trump's numbers have risen even higher, besting Ben Carson, who came in second in the poll, by over thirty points.

Exuded one Trump supporter who was at the campaign event last week, when asked about Trump's unusual dining preferences, "I love that Trump is willing to speak his mind and is an outsider. And although it's true that Mr. Trump eats the livers of unborn fetuses, he has said repeatedly, in no uncertain terms, that he will not eat pâté made from the livers of any fetus after the second trimester. The man is not a monster, like those baby killers at Planned Parenthood."

In fact, clarified one of Mr. Trump's campaign spokespersons at the event, "Donald Trump believes that all unborn fetuses after the second trimester are 'good people,' except, of course, for anchor fetuses from Mexico."

Even more surprising, one of the respondents to the Quinnipiac poll, who described herself as a "born-again Christian fundamentalist," explained, "Well, I like that Donald Trump speaks his mind, unlike all those career politicians in Washington. And it doesn't hurt, in my eyes, that he's not a vegan. I hate all those goddamn career vegans from Washington!"

Apparently even Mr. Trump's atheism, according to one evangelical respondent to the Quinnipiac poll, isn't a problem for Trump. The respondent, who described himself as a "born again evangelical," wrote, "Trump says what's on his mind, unlike those career liberal apologists for towelheads, like Obama, who want to impose Sharia law on America."

Ben Carson, reeling from the results of the most recent Quinnipiac poll, has announced that every Thursday he meets with his New Age Guru, Deepak Chopra, to discuss campaign strategy over smoothies made from the embryonic stem cells of surplus embryos from local fertility clinics.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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