Archaeologists digging near Jerusalem have unearthed what could be the find of the century... a document purporting to list the actual charges made against Jesus Christ.
Jesus was formally arraigned at the house of the High Priest Caiaphas before a gathering of Scribes and officials belonging to the Jerusalem Sanhedrin council.
The list of indictments was read out to the defendant who made little comment. They were as follows.
1. Raising the dead Lazarus back to life without his permission.
2. Causing havoc to viticulturalists all over Galilee by changing water into wine. Unfortunately, proof of this alleged miracle has been impossible to obtain.
3. The trick of multiplying loaves and fishes also had a serious effect on the retail value of these items everywhere in Galilee.
4. The trick of walking on water led to the deaths from drowning of four Scribe attempting to prove how it could be done.
5. Casting out hundreds of demons from the insane without telling anyone where they had been cast out to. Rabbi Ishmael testifies that he has forty-seven in his basement and at least ten in his attic. The Temple Treasury is said to be invested with them.
6. Physically assaulting upright financiers in the Temple and preventing them from going about their lawful business.
7. Hanging out with prostitutes.
8. Bringing the office of Rabbi into disrepute by wanton drinking, gluttony and consorting with Caesar's tax collectors and other collaborators.
9. Befriending members of the Roman occupation force.
10. Fomenting revolution.
11. Cracking jokes to his followers about Yahweh according to our chief eye-witness Judas Iscariot. Mr. Iscariot also testifies that he is owed three years back salary by Jesus and seeks immediate reimbursement as he has nine children and a wife to feed.
12. Allegedly healing people on the Sabbath.
13. Claiming to be God Almighty while having neither wealth, an army, nor political office.