Beloved Dentist Mauled To Death By Lion

Funny story written by D P Whitehead

Monday, 3 August 2015

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Brian, the dentist, is dead, killed by a hungry lion in Florida, who escaped from Miami Zoo earlier this morning according to authorities.

Brian was part of an Oxford University research project, which tracked the movements of dentists across the United States and wore a GPS collar.

He was lured out of his surgery with candy bars, bitten on the leg by the lion and then stalked for 40 more hours, before being finished off by the hungry cat, said Johnny Rodrigues, head of the research project.

The 44-year-old dentist's head was reportedly bitten off as a trophy, and his skin taken ripped off by the lion's gigantic claws.

Researchers at Oxford University expressed grief at the dentist's death and at the news that, for one reason or another, he had wandered away from the protection of his surgery.

"It's not many months ago that I watched Brian with my hand on my heart as he strayed toward a strip bar," said Professor David Macdonald, founding director of Oxford's Dentist Conservation Research Unit. "On that occasion he turned back into surgery, but this time he made a fatal mistake, and I feel deeply sad, personally."

Macdonald said it was important to realize that dentists live in complicated societies. Research has shown, he said, that if one dentist is killed, "the resulting perturbation" can lead to the deaths of other dentists and the eventual deaths of his dental assistants.

Brian is survived by about six girlfriends and one wife with whom he mated regularly and about 24 illegitimate children.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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