Written by Chris Paxman

Sunday, 23 August 2015

French President Francois Hollande today thanked three U.S. citizens for their brave intervention on a packed Subway train after their actions thwarted a heavily armed terrorist and undoubtedly saved dozens of innocent lives.

Mr Hollande wasted no time in announcing plans to utilize America's standing as the guardian of the world by placing Americans on Metro carriages and busy commuter bottlenecks within Paris. It is thought they probably won't bother about smaller towns and cities.

The British Prime Minister, David Cameron, was thought to be flustered when quizzed about whether his government would follow suit. It turned out to be the glow from his expensive lobster lunch. He went on to confirm similar plans in London and even hinted that one day Americans could replace Police Community Support Officers (PCSO) in the United Kingdom. ''There are certainly a lot of Americans, so I don't see why it wouldn't work,'' said the PM, possibly thinking back to the times the former British Empire plundered whole continents for its own gain.

President Hollande explained his own rationale for the move. ''Of course we don't want to stereotype a nation, the French wear the bruises of this type of behavior - but the American society produces a lot of male jock types. Sometimes this gets fused with a sense of moral righteousness and do-goodery which of course, the rest of the world loves.''

It is no surprise that U.S. soldiers with military links are preferred. Although Mr Hollande wouldn't confirm, it is thought his government are drawing up a list of American males with names like Brad and Chuck, and those who own trucks when they don't really need them. This came with the caveat that many are going off the grid and disappearing into basements, driven by intense paranoia about President Obama's desire to limit the amount of sub-machine guns they can own.

Criticisms of the plans began to surface almost as soon as they were announced. Some have likened the move to New York's Guardian Angels, a group who defend the public from muggers and the like. An aide close to the French President did not want to be named, but dismissed such concerns. He said, ''There won't be any costumes and it won't have a street-erotica feel to it, and won't be based on a comic book superhero premise.''

The French were also under fire after one of the initiative's first volunteers was refused entry. Former U.S. Marine Tracy Saarsgard - a really big bloke - heard about the idea and couldn't wait to sign up. He was turned away because his name is confusingly effeminate, and allied with butch males arouses suspicion of homosexuality. At the time of writing, no one in France had seen the irony in this.

Despite the outrage in some quarters, the first Americans could be seated on a Tube or Metro carriage near you as early as September 2015, with a full roll-out in 2016.

Late in the day President Barack Obama held an emergency press conference where he announced that a batch of sturdy male Americans will be sent to Europe as soon as possible, 'to dispense as the leaders of Europe see fit.'

It was thought to be the first deal of its kind, until a top official pointed out all the homogenized crap America has spread throughout the world over the years.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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