Written by Samuel Vargo

Friday, 21 August 2015

image for Kentucky man digs up his father's grave to argue with the corpse
Rattling bones at a boneyard is no way to party, as a Kentucky man discovered Monday night.

SANFORD Ky - Michael May, 44, was discovered by Sanford police digging up his father's grave in a cemetery on Monday night, Aug. 17. May told the arresting officer that he was trying to exhume daddy so he could argue with him.

May was charged with violating graves, public intoxication and marijuana possession and was expeditiously locked up in the Lincoln County Jail.

What a fucking weirdo. Digging up graves is no way to end a night that could have been spent fishing for channel catfish under the beams of lanterns on a causeway.

May told police this fiasco occurred because he was "Inspired by a verse in the bible", but quite a few drinks, laced with alcohol; and quite a few marijuana cigarettes, laced with rat poison, LSD, PCP, and Agent Orange, probably led to this glaring faux pas, as well.

Michael May's interview with a TV reporter from LEX 18, Josh Breslow, went like this:

Breslow: "Do you believe that you belong here in jail?"

May: "No."

Breslow: "Tell me why."

May: "I didn't do nothing wrong."

Breslow: "Do you feel that you were violating a grave?"

May: "No, no."

Breslow: "(Oh come on, man! Get serious! [aside]: 'Do you feel that you were violating a grave?'"

May: "No, no. I see the truth...he needs to be on the ground. Not under it."

When asked if he would continue trying to dig up his father's body, May said: "It's a possibility. If the truth doesn't come out and nobody sees the truth, yeah I'll do it again."

On Monday night (August 17), Lincoln County Constable, Delbert Mitchell said he saw a truck parked outside of Pilot Baptist Church in Lincoln County so the cop took a creepy venture into the graveyard to check things out.

"I went back and hollered for him to step back in the light and he told me to step back to the dark. That's when I went and got my flashlight. He started hollering out [bible] verses at me," Constable Mitchell said. "He told me he was trying to dig his dad up, so his dad could go to Heaven."

Michael May was digging around a tombstone for Willis Green May. Michael May says his dad died more than 30 years ago. There are 13 people with the surname May at the cemetery near Pilot Baptist Church in Lincoln County, WAVE3.com reports.

And all this begs the question, what if the police hadn't arrived, that eagle-eyed officer Delbert Mitchell, anyhow, and Michael May would have succeeded in digging up his dad's grave? What kind of conversation would they have had? What kind of father and son talk would have evolved from such a moonlight encounter?

Well maybe it would have gone something like this:

Son: "I'm mad at you."

Dad: "Why?"

Son: "You're dead."

Dad: "Well I'm mad at you."

Son; 'Why?"

Dad: "Well, it looks like you're drunk. You smell like the backdoor of a saloon."

Son: "Well you smell, too."

Dad: "Well I've been dead for several decades now. I haven't had a bath for a while and those worms and other underground bugs...well, they got into my coffin and really got their little fangs in me. What did you expect, for me to smell like breath mints and posies?"

Son: "You look terrible."

Dad: "So do you, dumbass! Go jump in a river! I'm not the only one who needs a bath, Sonny Boy! You had no fucking right to dig me up out of the ground! I was having a conversation with Jesus, Joseph, and Mary before this intrusion. Do you know how long I had to be on that waiting list to get a private audience with those three? Grow up and leave the sandbox, you fucking moron!"

Back to reality, Constable Mitchell said he is familiar with May and this didn't seem like him. The suspect's friends agree.

Investigators said they worry what might have happened if the constable had not shown up. They also said it appeared that May was "under the influence" at the time of the incident.

Well, I've got to go now. Michael May gave me a great idea. I have more than a few relatives that I've got some bones to pick with who've been deceased for quite some time now. Excuse me, but I've got to fire up Old Betsy, throw the pick and shovel in the trunk and grab my bible. The first stop, though, is the liquor store to stock up on some jet fuel. Rule One for Grave Robbing: Make sure you're really primed up. It's going to be a long day of digging and you never want to face the dead without your old buddy, John Barleycorn, right by your side. And clutching the bible in the hand not holding the bottle is a requirement, too, if things really get weird and wild....

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more