How to Avoid Receipt Checking At Wal*Mart: Be White.
I defy anyone to give me one credible example of the following occurring at any Wal Mart in the United States: Two families, one Causasian, one African-American or Latino, check out and simultaneously push their shopping carts toward the front door. The 95-year-old retiree, or Down's Syndrome victim standing at the front walks toward the two families, Magic Marker at the ready. He or she check...Read full story
Glasgow Council anger at Scotland's Commonwealth Games snub
Glasgow Lord Provost Robert Winter last night expressed surprise and disappointment at the news that Scotland's team managers for the Delhi Commonwealth Games would not subject their athletes to squalid, dirty and sub-standard conditions in the Athle...Read full story
Oprah Winfrey Says That Regarding Vaginal Vajazzling That There Just Ain't No Way She's Getting Cake Decorations Put On Her "Hooha"
CHICAGO - Oprah Winfrey and her BFF Gayle King were having dinner at Chicago's trendy Mrs. Al Capone Italian Restaurant and Souvenir Shop, when someone at the next table overheard Gayle ask Miss O, if she was thinking about getting the latest craze o...Read full story
Courtney Love Debuts New Face, Still Smells Like Pee.
58-year-old Courtney Love was out and about Monday night, completely un-f--king-recognizable in a Red nylon dress and enough face-caulk to waterseal a bathtub. "Wow, you're still alive?" her adoring fans called out from behind a Dumpster at 46th a...Read full story
Nobody Left in White House Except for Empty Suit as Everyone Bails on Obama!
So much for Global Warming as the electrical bill for the White House hasn't gone down, even though there's nobody at home anymore! Obama is doing everything he can to stay away from the place, even though he has mandated that someone keep the lig...Read full story
Ricki Lake And Butterfly McQueen: Shoulda Read The Instructions.
What does former talk-show host Ricki Lake and Oscar-winning actress Butterfly McQueen have in common? Besides no chance of ever being in a movie again --McQueen died in 1995, and Lake is talentless-- both decided that it was a great idea to dump...Read full story
Liverpool Crazy As Cobblers At Carling Cup Home Defeat To Northampton
Mighty Liverpool humbled by Northampton. - The Reds lost out in a penalty shootout to the Cobblers after a hard fought 2-2 draw left a penalty shoot out as the deciding factor. Here at Skoob Sports News, we didn't laugh. Honest. Well, not al...Read full story
Cameron Accused of Dumping Lame Dog
Shocking CCTV footage of David Cameron dumping his lame dog in a park has emerged today, causing outrage among dog lovers, disabled dog lovers, the disabled and Liberal-Democrats. Cameron is seen calling Nick Clegg, who emerges from the back seat...Read full story
New York hooker Irma Nici reckons Beckham 'pleasured himself with Cillit Bang Grime & Limey'
New York - (Reuterus): The $10,000-a-pop US hooker claims she bedded footballer David Beckham in a three-way shagathon at Manhattan's Le Parker Meridien Hotel. In an in-depth interview with celebwatch site LA FagHagSlagMag Irma Nici said the forme...Read full story
Lindsay Lohan May Be Cut A Break, Because That Worked In The Past.
Ginger-headed coke-monkey Lindsay Lohan may actually get away with having blood in her cocaine system, because that clearly has worked for her in the past. The second test Lindsay failed was positive for Adderall --a delicious, and legal, meth s...Read full story
Powerful New US Weapons System Revealed
News of a top-secret Pentagon project, code named Little Deek has been leaked. First proposed by scientists Larry Little and John Deek, the new project rivals the Manhattan Project in scope. The goal of the Manhattan Project, if you recall, wa...Read full story
Alan Sugar is back on the screen again soon. What is it about him that makes him so dislikeable? Sugar, Sugar by Rob Barratt Alan Sugar Arrogant bugger On "The Apprentice" You are relentless You slag off contestants Like rude chefs in restaurants As if they were no one 'Cos they want to go on The show you are part of In which you've no heart of Any description Are you fact or f...Read full story
Ferguson signs Scunthorpe Streaker
Manchester United boss, Sir Alex of the Ferguson confirmed this morning that he has indeed signed up the streaker who invaded the pitch last night in United's 5-2 Carling Cup victory over Scunthorpe. (Or 'Scunny as the locals call it.) The streake...Read full story
Shocking New Christine O'Connell Revelation Leaves Few Feeling Enchanted
(Via NewAP) Dover, Delaware: GOOP Candidate Christine O'Connell has unleashed a fresh round of controversy with her latest confession that she often played "witch doctor" as a child. The revelation came in an exclusive, one-on-one interview obtain...Read full story
India cancel Commonwealth Games but promise to still put on a "real live show"!
India has conceded defeat after all of the accusations and criticism about the general disgusting state of affairs in Delhi, the athletes complex, bridges falling apart and typical Indian disorder. They have decided to cancel the games because any...Read full story
Wii Stalking successfully replicates highs and lows of obsession, say experts
Stalkers all around the world have heaped glowing praise on the Nintendo's Wii latest release, saying it successfully captures the psychological state of erotomania realistically without sacrificing any of the gameplay. Wii Stalking, which was rel...Read full story
Limited success for new Jobseekers Allowance Queuebuster tickets
The government's latest attempt to improve services to the increasing numbers of unemployed by introducing queuebusters tickets has met with limited success. The tickets, which costs just £20, allow jobseekers to skip to the front of the line, ens...Read full story
WWE to punish illegal moves retrospectively with video technology
The WWE have finally given in to calls to introduce video technology to punish those seen breaking rules with illegal moves or weapons. For years fans and sports analysts had campaigned for the measures after it was revealed a shocking 98% of all...Read full story
Dinosaur Barney confesses: I used heroin to fill love-shaped hole
TV dinosaur Barney has admitted for the first time that he became a hardened heroin abuser in a desperate attempt to fill a "love shaped hole" after the demise of his popular TV show. Barney said things got so hard after his cancellation he was em...Read full story
Jamie Oliver's new series on African school dinners branded "distasteful"
Jamie Oliver's African School Dinners has been attacked as "distasteful" and "a step too far". The show, which sees the tireless campaigner and occasional chef investigating the state of nutrition in educational institutions throughout the contine...Read full story
Chilean miners turn on each other after contentious game of "I Spy"
The solidarity of the 33 miners has finally been broken over a contentious game of "I Spy". After more than a month of being huddled together, trapped in a confined space, tensions have finally been unleashed over the seemingly innocuous children'...Read full story
Daily Mail anger after Terrorists treated to fun day out at taxpayers expense
The Daily Mail is up in arms after it was revealed taxpayers money was being used to treat known terrorists to fun days out around Britain. The paper's worst nightmares were confirmed when itineraries were leaked from the Ministry of Defence showi...Read full story
Audley Harrison: Beating homeless man will prove my greatness
Audley Harrison has insisted he will seal his position as one of the greatest boxers of all time when he steps into the ring next week. Harrison, who has been criticised in the past for choosing unchallenging fights, will face a 63-year-old homele...Read full story
Mayonnaise company bank-rolling war in Afghanistan?
Mayonnaise giants Hellmann's have been rumoured as the biggest source of funding for the continued war in Afghanistan. According to hearsay and, well, lies, the company has been supplying weapons, intelligence and condiments to British troops afte...Read full story
Man loses argument despite using Munich Agreement analogy
The world of rhetoric is in shock after a man was defeated in an argument despite using the trump Hitler "Munich agreement" card. While the rest of the world deals with the shock of this announcement, lazy journalists, politicians of the extreme r...Read full story
BBC Chief Insists: Put the show on ice or face the consequences
BBC Chief Sir Michael Lyons has issued an ultimatum to producers of the corporation's programmes: put the show on ice or face the consequences. Lyons is ambitious to replicate the success of rivals ITV's skateaway success Come Dancing on Ice and n...Read full story
Sexual violence fails to prove a hit with TV viewers
Channel 4's latest attempt to fill the void left by Big Brother has been abandoned after a record number of complaints from viewers The show, You've Been Morally Compromised, combined elements of the popular candid camera and clip shows of the 80s...Read full story
Eggheads to be Replaced by Meatheads: BBC denies Dumbing-down
Claims of "dumbing down" leveled by angry viewers following the cancellation of Eggheads has been strongly refuted by the BBC. Many viewers became incensed when they learned the popular quiz show, which pits challengers against Britain's most resp...Read full story
Desperate Parents Build School In Own Back Yard
A local council has approved plans from a couple looking to rebuild a leading primary school in their back garden. Harold and Pandora Smythe-Montesquieu, from Surrey, who have recently had their first child, were encouraged to act after struggling...Read full story
1950's Themed Diner Serves Milkshakes; Racism
A new 1950s-themed American diner has caused huge controversy after refusing to serve black citizens. Customers at Hank's Diner, in Brixton, had assumed its highly visible signs and posters exclaiming "no blacks" were part of the high kitsch which...Read full story
Astonishing news: Moses didn't part the waves!
It's taken awhile but at last the "truth" has been unveiled by a scientific report claiming that Moses didn't actually part the waves in the Red Sea, winds did. Now any sensible non-Nerd or just common old common-sense thinking people (search and...Read full story
F**king War of Words Breaks Out in God-Damned White House
WASHINGTON, DC - A new book by legendary Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward paints Richard Holbrooke as "the most egotistical bastard I've ever met.", according to Vice President Joe Biden. When Holbrooke became aware of the comment, he called...Read full story
The following article has been paid for and endorsed by Osama Bin Laden without his knowledge.
The Taliban University of Suicide Bombers would like to praise its graduating class of 2010. This years Val Victorian went to Osama Osama Mudafi. Mr. Mudafi is swollen with pride to represent his classmates. Out of all twenty three students, Mr.Read full story
Jimmy Carter Rebuts Obama Comparison: "I'm White. I Don't Like Jews. And I Wasn't Born In Kenya."
Rankled by the derogatory comments that compare President Obama's Administration with his own debacle as president, cracker peanut farmer Jimmy Carter unleashes on those with the temerity to compare their tenures. "Listen," he says, "Barack Obama...Read full story
X-Factor - Chloe Mafia Fears For Her Future After Call Girl Allegations
X-Factor boot camp contestant Chloe Mafia, known in some quarters as the Yorkshire tart with a heart, has apparently expressed fears that the gravy train may become derailed following allegations that she works as a prostitute, and that she is simply...Read full story
Was Cable ConVinceing?
The firework display expected from Vince Cable at the end of the Liberal Democrat Conference was trailed as being more Red than Yellow. Vince Cable, however, had - perhaps purposefully - only leaked a few words about capitalism which were enough to c...Read full story
Italian Prosecutors Seize Pope Benedict's $30M Bank Account
Pope Benedict is the Head of The Vatican, the Holy See. It's like if you owned a corporation. The money is yours. You can do whatever you like with it. The Vatican is also a government, a sovereign entity, a dictatorship with the Pope at the Head. Po...Read full story
Titanic Truth at Last
Nearly a hundred years after the infamous sinking of the Titanic (and over a decade since Leonardo DiCaprio also sank on it), historians have finally uncovered the REAL reason why the Titanic sank. A team of expert divers recently discovered the E...Read full story
Russell Brand Admits That He's Not Up To Speed On Vajazzling
Just in. Is it? Oh, so it is. Sorry. - Long haired comedy lothario Russell Brand has admitted that he's not quite up to speed on the latest craze imported from America's left coast - vajazzling. Vajazzling - whereby a lady has her rose garden prun...Read full story
UK "worst place to live in Europe".
A new survey launched by the European Commission has revealed that the UK is the worst place to live in Europe. Factors took into account how many teenagers listen to the Chris Moyles show; how many adults frequent off licence stores; how many peo...Read full story
7 Near-Truths you didn't know about Vince Cable
With the Liberal Democrat MP starting to throw his weight around in his role in the Coalition Government, we take a look at some of the things you might not have known about Vince Cable. 1. Cable was concieved immaculately, in York, in 1943. 2. Cable worked in the treasury for Kenya from 1966-1968, where he officially became known as 'Papa Cable'. 3. Cable has been the Member of Parliment...Read full story
Russell Brand Copped Off With Kate Moss According To 'Booky Wook 2 - This Time It's Personal' - Nothing New There Then
It has just come to the attention of Skoob Entertainment News that according to his latest publication, 'Booky Wook 2 - This Time It's Personal' long haired lothario Russell Brand copped off with Kate Moss. Nothing new there then. Russell is re...Read full story
Warren Beatty and Annette Bening's Marriage May Be On The Rocks Due To The Upcoming "Sex Change"
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Julie Andrews once sang that the hills were alive with the sound of music. But in the case of Warren Beatty and Annette Bening their current marital musical song may be the theme from The Addams Family. Inside sources say that bo...Read full story
Getting to know you. Coalition MPs to star in new BB
Oh yes, it's back for one FINAL FINAL series apparently. After days of heavy campaigning on Twitter, Davina McCall has confirmed there will be one final series. But this one will be a massive change. Both Tory and Lib. Dem Cabinet Ministers are se...Read full story
Vince Cable discovers way to recover British Economy
"The Big Issue", a taxation on MacDonalds and a heavy import tax on Burberry clothes looks set to hit many cities in the UK, as leading economist and Lib. Dem. MP Vince Cable looks set to announce some serious tax cuts. With public borrowing hitti...Read full story
Queen's 'copycat MI6 cryptographer stunt' fears for Thursday's Autumn Equinox/Harvest Moon
London - (Day of Judgement Mess): The terminal astrological activity may trigger a right royal RIP disaster Palace lackeys said today. The likelihood of HM trying to replicate Gareth Williams' hide-and-seek caper with a copycat fatal bagging-up st...Read full story
Heidi Montag Confesses "Yes, I've Just Had My Vagina Vajazzled"
MALIBU BEACH - Heidi Montag, who has had more cosmetic and plastic surgery than any three Hollywood celebrities, including male celebs such as Burt Reynolds and Kenny Rogers, was spotted sunning her plasticized body on Malibu Beach. Heidi, who is...Read full story
What a Disaster!
'You tell them what to do and they do the complete opposite. I ask you, have they got an ounce of sense in their heads?' Penny was still reeling from the Dinner between her parents and Terry's that had almost resulted in a fight before Terry turned the conversation away from politics and religion onto safer territory. 'And where were you Seb?' Penny asked her brother 'You could have helped.'...Read full story
Prodigal Son Returns
With transfer deadline day fast approaching in the Galway District league, we come with news of a shock transfer. The once prolific but troubled St Ellens striker Trevor Clohessy who joined arch rivals Barna Furbo when contract talks with St Ellens c...Read full story
Justin Bieber Confesses That Jasmine Villegas Has Kissed His "Bird" Tattoo Three Times
VENICE BEACH, California - One of the most popular young teen singers in the world Justin Bieber and his new BFF Jasmine Villegas were spotted having ice cream cones at a Dairy Queen Ice Cream Parlor in Venice Beach. The two teens could be seen ha...Read full story
Titus Bramble Flies The Flag For Footballers - Arrested On Suspicion Of Rope
Although details remain somewhat sketchy at this stage, we here at Skoob Sports News can confirm that we've received reports that Sunderland footballer, Titus Bramble has been arrested and accused of rope. We're not quite sure exactly what the off...Read full story
'Tightass' Bramble arrested in hotel serious sex crime probe
Tybne/Wear - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): Sunderland defender Titus Bramble has denied all charges after being arrested by police at Newcastle's Vermont Hotel. The Premiership player had only just joined his club from Wigan where his extracurricular...Read full story
Pope Rushed to Hospital; Said to be Suffering 'Withdrawal Symptoms", Victoria Gotti at Bedside!
Rome is in shock with the news that once again the Vatican is under investigation for irregular banking practices, including money laundering, and the Pope's Top Banker Ettore GOTTI Tedeschi is the target of the Probe! Officials say Vatican funds...Read full story
Goalie's massive-breasted blow-up sex doll 'is eyesore'
Derbyshire - (Rubber Ass Mess): Is 'she' or isn't 'she' crying buckets ...or is it just lubricant seepage from defective eye sockets? Neighbors have complained that Derby County goalkeeper Stephen Bywater's latest outdoor art installation 'appears...Read full story
Jasmine Villegas panties found in back of Justin Bieber's Lamborghini!
Los Angeles - (Reuterus): According to celeb LA garage WheelNutzz the white $210,000 Lamborghini Gallardo coupé, a 16th birthday present from rapper P-Diddy, had just been professionally serviced. Its plush interior includes a customised python-sk...Read full story
North Wales gets Supermountain. South Wales shocked there's a North.
Welsh people are getting cleverer by the minute, according to a new survey. An original measurement of the Glyder Fawr mountain in Snowdonia has revealed it is over 1000 metres high, rather than the 999 metres many thought it was. The news come...Read full story
Spoofers write Hamlet by mistake
In a shock news announcement today, it appears that a collection of "TheSpoof.com" writers have collectively written one of Williams Shakespeare's plays, completely at random and by mistake. "We didn't mean to do it" cried Monkey Woods, spokesper...Read full story
Couple caught on CCTV leaving entire pet shop full of animals behind
What is the world coming to? Really? Some of the news that reporters have to cover can leave one feeling a bit jaded. First there was Mary Bale and her feline flinging fiasco followed by that man recently who was caught on camera leaving his poor...Read full story
Eagles: "We've signed RB Joique Bell, released WR Hank Baskett, RB Martell Mallett and S Chip Vaughn, and that's about it. Nothing else, I don't think...Oh, yeah: Kevin Kolb's Fired."
The Philadelphia Eagles have released the following statement: "The Philadelphia Eagles have signed RB Joique Bell off the Buffalo Bills' practice squad. Wide receiver Hank Baskett was released to make room for Bell, who originally signed as a rookie free agent with the Bills. We've also released safety Chip Vaughn and running back Martell Mallett from the practice squad, and thank th...Read full story
1 in 30 Brits have never had a job
Shocking new figures reveal that almost 1.4 million Brits have never done an honest day's work in their lives. The report, which was released by the Ministry for Welfare Payments and the Workshy, is a damning indictment of the lifestyle choices many...Read full story
Montana Republicans Assume The Position: Don't Go There Girlfriend, Especially All You Guys
As far as the Montana Republican Party is concerned, if it ain't brokeback, there's no need to fix it. If, on the other hand, that's your particular side saddle of choice, then according to the current platform of that state's Grand Old Party, it's...Read full story
Not to Be Outdone by Female Vajazzling, Men Opting for Dickorating
The latest trend to come out of Hollyweird, California is a procedure called vajazzling, a procedure whereby lovely crystals are placed in various patterns and designs on the private areas of women. Actress Jennifer Love Hewitt is one of the first ce...Read full story
Polly Puts Kettle On
There was relief amongst exhausted workers at a Yorkshire factory yesterday afternoon, when an overworked and underpaid junior member of staff came to the rescue and put the kettle on for a cup of tea. Polly - no second name - boiled the water at...Read full story
Polly Shits Behind The Door
Police in Yorkshire say they have apprehended a suspect in the case of a mysterious turd that was left behind a door at a local factory. Polly - no second name - was arrested last night after confessing to friends that it had been her who had laid...Read full story
Lindsay Lohan Gets Vajazzled in Preparation of Lengthy Prison Stay
Lindsay Lohan was spotted coming out of the G-Spot Salon early Tuesday afternoon arm-in-arm with Sam Ronson, and both girls were purring like kittens. The G-Spot is the latest upscale feminine enhancement salon to open in the Los Angeles area and is...Read full story
Tony Blair Wants To Be Next Pope
Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair has said publicly for the first time that He "wouldn't mind" becoming the next Pope. Blair, mad, was speaking to the BBC's Political correspondent Nick Robinson, and said that He believes He is the man to...Read full story
Commonwealth Games Village Is 'A Bit Shitty'
The camp in which competitors at the Commonwealth games will stay, has been severely criticised by the head of the Games, who said the accommodation was "a bit shitty". Commonwealth Games Federation chief Michael Fennell said the condition of the...Read full story
Wedding Cake Guzzled By Miserable Cunt Security Guard
Wedded bliss was short-lived for one happily-married couple last week, when, on returning from a honeymoon in Scotland, the bride discovered that wedding cake she had sent to her workplace for dissemination amongst her colleagues, had been totally co...Read full story
David Hasselhoff Is The First Victim Of This Year's "Dancing With The Stars"
HOLLYWOOD - The Dancing With The Stars 'Results Show' went all out musically as they featured the legendary music icon Carlos Santana and the futuristic legendary music icon Chris Daughtry as musical guests. Even host Tom Bergeron who is usually n...Read full story
American Bald Eagle Snatches Up, Eats Glenn Beck's Dachshund
NEW CANAAN, Connecticut -- Glenn Beck never thought twice about the safety of little Adolph when he let him outside to poop in the back yard of their home in one of the most affluent, safe and secure communities in America. Now, his overweight 8-m...Read full story
"She'll be right" attitude leaves man dead
AUSTRALIA- Lack of action and immediate medical attention in a Central Australian town last night has left one man dead and another critically injured. The two men, who were attacked by an adult fresh water crocodile, did nothing to attend to thei...Read full story
Dear Kevin Kolb: My Daddy said your boss is mad at you. I think he is mean and fat. And so is your boss.
Dear Kevin Kolb: My Daddy said your boss is mad at you. I think he is mean and fat. And so is your boss. My daddy used to have a job where everyone was mean, just like you. My daddy used his talent and ability to get a more gooder job, and now we live in a big house near the beach. I hope you can use your talent to get a gooder job. I know it is tough. My Daddy says that you are a...Read full story
Kevin Kolb's Wikipedia Page Defaced: "The Placenta from Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady's son, Benjamin, is a better QB than Kevin Kolb."
Not that he didn't completely deserve it, but Philadelphia Eagles' Quarterback Kevin Kolb's Wikipedia entry was defaced last sunday. Kolb's name Kevin Benjamin Kolb, was changed to Kevin 'Bobby Hoying II' Kolb, a popular nickname in the Philadelph...Read full story
Are You Gay? Here's A Helpful List Of How Not To Be
Are You FUCKING GAY!? I've asked myself this question countless times and the answer hasn't been quite clear until today. Years went by and I finally decided that I'm not gay enough to be gay. Not even close. So here I am, trying to learn you how to not be as homosex as you are now. Now the first step is to realize that being gay is bad and being is straight is good. What you next must accept i...Read full story
George Michael Sings 'I Want Your Sex' To Kate Middleton - Insiders Think He's Bluffing
Insiders - literally, because they're banged up - have informed Skoob Entertainment News that disgraced weed gardener, George Michael has been serenading Royal in waiting Kate Middleton with an acapello version of 'I Want Your Sex' from his prison ce...Read full story
Andy Reid Convinces Kevin Kolb He Has Amnesia: "You? Starting Quarterback? I Never Said That..."
Instead of actually admitting that he f--ked up royally after naming Kevin 'Bobby Hoying II' Kolb the starting quarterback over Lassie-killer Michael Vick, Andy Reid has righted his wrong, but not in the way you'd imagine. Or, knowing Andy Reid, e...Read full story
Gotta Go To Mo's, To Be Overcharged For Last Season's Sneakers
It's all about the experience at the new Modell's Sporting Goods flagship, which opened last Wednesday here in Times Square. Well, that and paying $600.00 for last year's Nikes. The two-level, 20,000-sq.-ft. space was completely transformed for it...Read full story
Fifth in a Series: Becky Shulman Gets The F--K Out of Dodge."I want to thank Becky for leaping off the Titanic and floating away on a door..."
Formerly super-powerful, shell-of-its-former-self tax preparation provider H&R Block, Inc. announced Monday that its Senior Vice President and Chief Financial Officer Becky Shulman will get the f--k out of Dodge, effective April 30, 2010. The com...Read full story