Third Miliband brother found working in Asda
As Ed beat David in the Labour leadership challenge, customers at the Asda in Dulwich were shocked to find the third Miliband brother collecting trolleys form the supermarket car park. 'It's uncanny' said 90 year old shopper Hilda Lineker, 'I was...
Read full storyInes Sainz Fidel Castro Congratulate Chapman on Fastest Pitch Ever
Praise poured in from across the globe today for 22 year old Cincinatti Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman for throwing the fastest pitch ever, a 105 mph slider. Ines Sainz interviewed Aroldis Chapman after the game for Azteca TV in the Reds shower and she...
Read full storyDelia Smith faces public stoning after heavy night
'Grubby uncle totty' Delia Smith is to spend 10 days wandering the streets of Norwich in nothing but a Waitrose fishmongers hat. Police were summoned late last night after a distress call from a W.I. meeting. Members of the Huntingdon and Peterbo...
Read full storyEd Miliband - already Condemned
It seemed like only a few minutes after the younger Miliband, Ed, had snatched the leadership of the Labour Party from David, the elder, that the shit began to fly. BBC political commentator and long time Tory boy, Nick Robinson, could hardly brea...
Read full storyMan throws Tiger into Rubbish Bin - Tiger bites back
In light of the crazy crazy people who feel the urge to go about throwing their pets into rubbish bins, Mr. Orlov Petrovski had the urge to attempt to throw his pet tiger, Mr. Nibbles, into a county recycling bin. Mr. Nibbles was escorted down the...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Switching to Legal Drugs
Special non-sobriety clauses have been inserted into troubled Hollywood star Lindsay Lohan's next movie contract. Makers of the movie-about a drugged-up, bi-sexual former young screen actress who then became a porn star-say they now have Lohan's...
Read full storyBig Sam talks about managing Real Madrid, his new player and how he "caught Blackpool napping"
Big Sam clearly's had a week to remember. Following allegations "he's ready to be the next Real Madrid manager", he added to the list of quotes by stating "they caught Blackpool napping," Big Sam, who during the match was in the Premier Inn Suites...
Read full storyPlane crashes due to 'Lynx effect'?
The cause of a mystery Boeing 737 crash en route to Dallas is no closer to resolution. Flight investigators listened to cockpit audio between Captain Jane Way and First Office Odor Pitt. Pitt who was late for his flight showed up to duty sweati...
Read full storyMiliband Brothers Grounded!
David & Ed Miliband have been grounded by their parents. Ed who has recently got elected leader of the Labour Party beating his brother by 1.3% in the contest. David was overhead shouting at Ed 'Your Mean,your the meanest brother ever!...
Read full storyInes Sainz, Zac Efron, and Robert Pattinson To Star In "The Girl With The Painted On Jeans"
HOLLYWOOD - The Candlelight Motion Picture Company has just sent a press release announcing the filming of a new action packed spy mystery titled The Girl With The Painted On Jeans. Mexican sports reporter turned actress Ines Sainz will star as Em...
Read full storyMI6 agent released from prison
A man who was sentenced to 4 years in prison after being caught masturbating next to a letter box has been released from prison. His sentence was quashed after MI6 recently opened archives that that revealed fresh semen was used as invisible ink i...
Read full storyLooking On The Bright Side
Years ago, I attended a "Positive Energy" rally. Boy, was I pumped up! I couldn't wait to tell my wife about it. "Wow, honey, that was incredible!" They explained how Positive Energy is really just Positive Thinking with a new age spin! That made so much sense to me. Then Norman Vincent Peale and Paul Harvey arrived and…" "I thought Norman Vincent Peale was, you know, dead?", she said, i...
Read full storyEconomic Boom Feared!
Government and Business leaders have been left with a major headache, after it was reveled that the recession was caused by a 2007 Microsoft Patch. Microsoft have apologised after a spreadsheet software patch caused negative numbers to be doubled...
Read full storyHeidi Montag Angrily Denies Joan Rivers Claim That She's A Closet Lesbian
TUBA CITY, Arizona - Heidi Montag was visiting the world famous Grand Canyon in Arizona before President Obama sells it to a group of rich North Korean investors. She was dressed in a brand new Daisy Duke outfit that she said she had been given by...
Read full storyIndian Government Charter Polish Plumber Flight
In a last ditch effort the Indian Ministry of Works has chartered a jet from Warsaw with 183 Polish plumbers to work on the ill fated athletes village of the 2010 Commonwealth Games. Air India flight 2132 will take off from Warsaw in 3 days time a...
Read full storyMayday! Mayday! Psychic channels MI6 cryptographer Williams!
London - (Dead Men Talking Mess): Alarm bells are ringing at MI6 HQ after a specialist ghost-channeling gadget 'materialised' an extraordinary interview with dead spook Gareth Williams. The 56-inch ectoplasma TV began manifesting an unknown ethe...
Read full storyGermany invades Poland - "Sorry bout that" says Merkel
It has been reported that part of Germany accidentally spilled over the border with Poland last week, covering over 10 square miles of Polish territory. "It's all rather embarrassing, and we're terribly sorry" said German Chancellor Angela Merkel.
Read full storyChav Turned Away At Hospital
In a recent incident in a Northern hospital complex a chavtastic teenager who swaggered into Ward 101 for a back operation whilst clearly under the influence was turned away. The chav, known only as Carl, was wearing a huge parka style coat, very...
Read full story'Sudden onset narcolepsy' rumor about MI6 cryptographer postmortem tests
London - (Copper's Nark Mess): Did something trigger a latent, fatal sleep disorder in MI6 cryptographer Gareth Williams, causing him to keel over and accidentally suffocate? Pathologists are staying schtum. But frenzied red top speculation sug...
Read full storyDog in a Hat wants World Peace
The village of Cocksend's local dog in a hat has asked for World Peace as a special gift for his 2nd Birthday. Speaking through an interpreter, Sparky told a crowd of journalists that he appreciates all the bones and little furry toys with bells i...
Read full storyGeorge W to run for London Mayor
George 'W' is to run in the Mayor of London elections against Boris Johnson (American slang for penis) and Ken Livingstone (a wandering lost missionary). A spokesman for the George W campaign said that it would be run on zero tolerance and he will...
Read full storyStewart's Black Tourmaline Vajazzling Crystals Banish Wedding Demons
According to the book of world records the largest woman ever was Rosalie Bradford of Auburndale, Florida, at 1,199 pounds. Rosalie Bradford was on the verge of topping 1,200 pounds when she died at 63 in 2007. She was one fully loaded pizza away. Ro...
Read full storyBlair Peace Envoy from Prison Cell
In an amazing turn of fate, Tony (call me 'Tone') Blair has been arrested for war crimes in Iraq and Afghanistan and is being held in a high security cell at The Hague Central Prison. A Spokeswoman for Blair said that being charged as a war crimin...
Read full storyDid MI6 cryptographer Gareth Williams have an identical twin brother?
London - (Preposterous Nonsense Update): Cops are working on a theory that the dead MI6 codebreaker 'had a secret identical twin brother' who freelanced doing impersonations for a living. "That way Williams could have gone on any number of secret...
Read full story'Spooks' Series 9, Episode 11 To Stage 'The Spy Who Bagged Me' Reconstruction
London - (Crimebotch News): Following a public appeal for information the Beeb espionage drama 'Spooks' is to hold a reconstruction of the last moments in MI6 cryptographer Gareth Williams' life. Announcing the move a TV scriptwriting source claim...
Read full storyIsrael/Palestine war cancelled yet again
Representatives of the Israeli cabinet were said to be furious last night as reports circulated that the much anticipated War of Annihilation between Israel and the Muslim World has been cancelled yet again. One source told this correspondent tha...
Read full storyBeer Farts Cause Evacuation of Detroit Chrysler Plant!
There was panic in Detroit today after a 400,000 square foot Chrysler manufacturing plant, and 6 surrounding square blocks were evacuated after what turned out to be a plethora of Beer Farts caused the evacuation and mass hysteria. The noxious fum...
Read full storyHomosexual entrance exams are "too easy" says the Head of UK Homosexuals
The Head of the UK Homosexuals - technically the most powerful gay in the Westminster village - has criticised the exams that people have to pass to become homosexual. He said that the exams - known as Gay Levels - have become too easy and as a re...
Read full storyChina Moves From "One Baby" to "One Woman" Policy
China is celebrating thirty years of their one child policy by taking an even harder stance to control their population - shifting to a one woman policy. The one baby principle limits families to just one child, and the government claims to have p...
Read full storyInterview With Tea Party Protestor
I found Mr. Doe protesting at the border in Arizona, and interviewed him. Ken: Good evening, Mr. Doe. Your sign says a lot. "Three Simple Words: We The People". Gotta keep it simple for those illegals, I guess. Think they can count to three? So what's your message here? Doe: The message is that illegals are not 'people' in the constitutional sense of the word. "We The People" - that's us. "...
Read full storyJustin Bieber to do a concert for the pope
Justin Bieber, the adolescent pop sensation, has been booked to a do a special gig in the Vatican, for the Pope himself. The Pope told us this website recently: "When I saw this young man and heard him sing I knew I had to get him over to Rome. The c...
Read full storyBrian Irongrip Predicts Winner
Brian Irongrip (34) expert predictor for all things Scunthorpe United has ended his near perfect week by making a prediction that Labour will have a new leader by 4 PM BST today. Brian, predicts that a Labour Party member will become leader today an...
Read full storyChristine O'Donnell Not Sure if She's a Lesbian or Not
Christine O'Donnell just can't keep those Bill Maher tapes from resurfacing and with each new one comes new information about the woman who wants to be Senator so bad, she's willing to break her own rule of not lying. "At this point in time, I'm g...
Read full storyEveryone under 50 wondering who the hell Eddie Fisher was
THE MINDS OF EVERYONE BORN AFTER 1959-Americans examined the front-page headlines in confusion today, as numerous media outlets announced the death of Eddie Fisher, who no one born after the Eisenhower administration had any knowledge of, sources rep...
Read full storyUp Katie Price
The stylish, upmarket, multi-talented, supermodel, songstress, author, relationship counsellor and polo playing Katie Price has had her vagina re-modelled into a theme park. Ms Price flew to LA to have the extensive re-working of her vagina undert...
Read full storyJimmy Hoffa Found Buried in Arlington Cemetery in Glenn Miller's Grave
In the process of sorting out the Arlington Cemetery fiasco where people were buried in mismarked graves, the workers made a startling discovery when they found the body of Jimmy Hoffa inside of Glenn Miller's coffin. Where Glen Miller is buried, is anybody's guess, but hopefully the six foot Glen Miller is not buried in the grave of the five and a half feet Jimmy Hoffa. "Man this whole thing...
Read full storyGOP Unveils "New" Ye Olde Ideas to Pledge to America: Christine O'Donnell Casts Spell!
Christine O' Donnell today risked her life to make a public statement about the GOP Pledge. "GOP's 'Pledge to America' lays out a GOP agenda to obliterate the Middle Class as we know it. Once they slash taxes on anything that favor's their own int...
Read full storyShawn Chapman Holley's Cum Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc Argument Carries the Day
Lindsay Lohan's attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley has carried the day, having the Order of Hon. Elden Fox's Order Of Detain for Failure to Meet Conditions of Probation vacated. Look, Mom... ... Law School's paying off in spades!In the instant case, t...
Read full storyInmate Blinded By Lindsay Lohan's Arrival: "All I Saw was Orange... and Huge Pontoon-like Duck Lips!"
An inmate in the Squeaky Fromme Wing of the Los Angeles County Prison is resting comfortably after suffering corneal damage caused by the inmate's exposure to Lindsay Lohan, after the failed human being was jailed for pissing cocaine. "Orange, tha...
Read full storyMI6 spook did not die alone
The police investigation into the bizarre death of an MI6 operative continues, albeit at a slower than usual snail's pace. The body of the spook, who has not been named for national security reasons, was found zipped and padlocked in a 140 litre A...
Read full storyLarry King Interviews The Extremely Weird Joaquin Phoenix
LOS ANGELES - Larry King who has interviewed everyone from the Beatles to Adolf Hitler recently interviewed Joaquin Phoenix, one of the strangest individuals to ever walk the face of the earth and that includes weird ass folks like Billy Bob "The Chump" Thornton, Andy "The Dick" Dick, "Dickless" Dick Cheney, and Amy "Woof-Woof" Winehouse. Here is Larry's interview with the strange, strange man...
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