11 Computers Stolen From Local H&R Block; Police Estimate Value at $12.50.
A local man and woman has been arrested and several stolen items seized following the burglary of an H&R Block on Broad Street, here. Police estimate the value of the stolen computers at less than $13.00. "There were two Altairs stolen," sa...Read full story
'Global Warming' Out, 'Total Environment Annihilation' In...
From the administration that brought you "military intelligence", "government help" and "overseas contingency operation", another terminology change is in the works. The White House wants the public to start using the term "Total Environment Anni...Read full story
Pope Likens Ricky Gervais To Adolf Hilter
Not since Lady GaGa has a cult leader so brazenly courted publicity. After having to issue multiple apologies for his role in covering up sexual abuse in the Church, claiming that condoms worsen the AIDS crisis and decrying gay rights as 'insidiou...Read full story
The Pope, Hitler and an athiest walk in to a bar...
Pope Benny Exvee-Eye today stunned the hushed masses, who had gathered to watch his first UK speech, when he confused being an athiest with being French. Sitting on his thrown, little white hat perched on his head like a soggy marshmallow stuck to...Read full story
Whenever I'm in Trinketsville, Missouri, my first stop is always SmashItUp car rentals, "for the best deals on wheels." Hint--when you go there, don't be served by the minimum wage flunkies at the front desk, quaffing Folger's and sucking Marlboros while half assedly typing your rental contract. Ask for the manager--Willie Wheelie. An amicable chap, Wheelie became overly friendly with a busty b...Read full story
Brits are a vicious lot so why am I ROFL?
The ex Wham, Careless Whisper, Last Christmas singer, George Michael has landed himself a short spell in the care of Her Majesty's Prison Service. Maybe he deserved it but would he not have been better off in rehab, paid for by himself thus saving th...Read full story
UPDATE: Lady Gaga "I've Got Even More Meat Under This Dress!"
After making a statement with her meat dress at the MTV Video Music Awards, Lady GaGa is being pelted by animal rights dweebs for her performance. Animal rights dorks issued a statement saying "no matter how beautifully it is presented, flesh from...Read full story
The only honest Supreme Court judge in India insists "It's all a mistake. I AM corrupt."
The legal community in India was sent reeling after allegations that one of its Supreme Court judges is honest and has refused to take bribes. Mr. Justice Singh of Delhi was outted by an undercover reporter from the Indian News of the World, who o...Read full story
George Michael Sentenced To Eight Weeks In Women's Prison
George Michael has been sentenced to eight weeks in a women's prison and lost his license for five years, Tuesday for driving under the influence of drugs when he crashed his car into a London photo shop. That's two non-moving buildings within the...Read full story
US teen says her suspension from school for sporting nose-ring violates her First Amendment right to exercise her religion; Church of American Nudists rallies to her rescue
RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA: This 'Christian' community is being rocked with an unexpected Civil Rights issue. A 14-year-old schoolgirl's nose piercing has resulted in her being suspended from school and forcing her into a fight over her First Amendment...Read full story
Pope Pelted by Protesters for Wearing Pork Pie Hat
LONDON, England - Animal rights protesters were outside Lock & Co. Hatters in London Tuesday in force with plans to pelt anyone with fake pigs' blood who exiting the store wearing a pork pie hat. The Pope, visiting London, was not aware of the pr...Read full story
Heisman Trophy Re-Cast to Reflect Athletes Demand for Bling
Following three consecutive years of pressure from its most recent winners, the long standing and original design of the Heisman Trophy will be recast for 2011, showing a fistful of dollars in the player's extended arm, and some gold bling around his...Read full story
Satan appears on a bathroom tile proving he's just a dirty old "Peeping Tom"!
The Devil has appeared on a bathroom tile in Budapest, Hungary and refuses to be removed. After spending a fortune on renovating his bathroom Mr.Crsefko let his wife shower first, but the bathroom turned cold and creepy and as she stepped naked ou...Read full story
Pope Mobile mistaken for ice cream van - thousands queue up for cornettos but get stern Latin sermons instead
Crowds of disappointed ice cream fans were turned away by police in Edinburgh today after mistaking the Pope Mobile for an ice cream van and the Pope for an aproned Italian ice cream vendor. One man said "I queued up for hours in the sun, hoping t...Read full story
English A-Levels Boring
Today, findings have been released by the Association Of A-Level Students (Having Fun) [ALSHF], proving that English A-Levels are, indeed, boring. The findings have been fought in legal proceedings for fifteen years, the British Government believi...Read full story
Miracles in the Wake of the Pope's Visit
All doubts about the supernatural powers of the Pope have been dispelled by a series of extraordinary events that have coincided with his visit to Scotland. The Pope kissed a baby which then sprouted angelic wings and flew into his arms. 'A bit yo...Read full story
Wisconsin Candidate: "I Am the White Man's Bitch"
MADISON, WI - Ieshuh Griffin is running for State Assembly in Wisconsin, and she wants voters to know she "IS the white man's bitch". In fact, she wanted that statement posted under her name on the ballot for state representative, in the place whe...Read full story
Times Square Bomber Released in Plea Deal! Turned in Names of Six Smokers
New York, NY (BNSE): Department of Homeland Security officials admitted today at an early morning press conference that Faisal Shahzad, 30, the alleged "Times Square Bomber," was released on bond at the behest of New York City leaders as part of a p...Read full story
Abbey Clancy And Peter Crouch Having A Baby - "I Don't Believe It!" Says Victor Mildew
There was one person who didn't greet the news that WAG extraordinaire, Abbey Clancy, and vertically unchallenged whoremongering Tottenham and England striker, Peter Crouch are to have a baby, with the traditional 'Aaaah! Bless!' Victor Mildew, of...Read full story
Miley Cyrus nips out to the deli, looking for a Gaga meatkini
Miley Cyrus proves she is definitely not a shy wall flower as she pops out at the deli wearing a see through vest, allegedly looking for some dead animal flesh fabrications to turn into a party frock for Saturday night. The 17-year-old singer, who...Read full story
Local Man Left Hopping Mad After Bizarre Accident
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was this morning left literally hopping mad following a bizarre domestic accident, involving a heavy cast iron Le Creuset casserole dish. Shuttlecock explained that he had gone to the dresser in the kitchen to get som...Read full story
Our Lady And The Tramp
London - (Papal Bulls**t News): He was dubbed 'God's Rottweiler' in 2003 by Special Branch during a Stop the Whore Coalition campaign excoriating Poodle Brothers George W Bush and Tony Blair. Today dyslectic sisters at London's Convent of the Imm...Read full story
Pope Benedict Requests Visit To Govan Bar
Insiders today related that Pope Benedict XVI requested to be taken to the Govan bar where popular comedy show Rab C Nesbitt is filmed. To the horror of his minders. Despite the Pope's repeated requests that he fancied a wee dram in one of Glas...Read full story
Gerry's Goal Gorgers In Search of New Gaffer
It has been widely reported in the press today that Gerry's Goal Gorgers who have shocked everyone with their start of the championship are in search of a new manager. The circumstances are not entirely clear but reports suggest that Gerry is gam...Read full story
Careless Biffter .. George Michaels Jailed For 8 Weeks
Former heart throb, George Michaels, awoke today to spend the next eight weeks in an entirely 'different corner' ... An 8 foot by 6 foot cell. The singer, who's real name is Frank Jones, was sentenced following revelations he had crashed his Austi...Read full story
Inmates Demand £10k a Week From George Michael as 'Protection Money'
Homosexual pop star George Michael has already run into trouble just a day into his porridge at Pentonville Prison with prison heavies demanding £10,000 a week in protection money to protect him in the showers. Apparantly, George Michael has been...Read full story
SHOCK: 24 Million Democrats Found Dead!
WASHINGTON, DC - Regardless of how lively the midterm elections might be, a new study shows that more than 23.7 million Democrat voters on current voter registration rolls across the country are dead. In total, that means about 28.9 percent of a...Read full story
Pope to meet the Queen and try and convert her
A secret dossier has been leaked onto WikiLeaks about the Pope's real plans for his visit to the UK. As part of his visit he will visit Queen Elizabeth, who is head of the Church of England, a sect of Christianity that broke away during Henry VIII's...Read full story
Pope Benedict's Holy See, blind to alter boy bothering, sits uneasy next to papal infallibility.
The pope can do no wrong! That is basically what 'papal infallibility' means in the Roman Catholic religion. The Pope is preserved from the possibility of error by his connection with God. This hasn't been a problem up until recently, as priests...Read full story
Arms Race Between Adverts and Content
The internet is traditionally a free and easy place, with petabytes of information freely available. Such as this article. However, with there being no such thing as a free lunch all this 'free' content has to be paid for somehow, and there is an inc...Read full story
Isle of Wight News - Zoo cut off
The Isle of Wight Zoo at Yaverland has been cut off from the outside work by two sets of road works. The on-going roadworks on Yaverland Road, the B3396, have over-run with a scheduled completion date now set for early December, whilst sewer impro...Read full story
No nuptial nookie as Queen and Pope celebrate 60th - blood diamond! - wedding anniversary
Scotland - (Prenup Mess): With a grim-faced Duke of Edinburgh looking daggers there is clearly zero chance of any Wayne Rooney-style threesome shenanigans this weekend. "Besides," papal wet nurse Msgr Gangswine explained, "the Pope is pooped. Mile...Read full story
Sarkozy loves gypsies: (It's a fact!)
President Nicolas Sarkozy, hurt at being compared to France's collaborationist World War Two leaders because of his policy of expelling Roms (gypsies) from French territory, threw a giant open-air party for France's gypsies on Wednesday night. The...Read full story
Obama: "Don't Ask Don't Tell" To Be Replaced With "Don't Care, Thanks for Risking Your Life to Defend Our Country, Now Go Kill!"
President Obama has announced that the abso-f--king-lutely ludicrous "Don't Ask Don't Tell" provision of 10 U.S.C. § 654 et. seq. will be replaced, effective immediately. "What the f--k does anyone care if you love the c-ck, as long as you love your country as well," Obama explained, likening the mealy-mouthed, pussified language of 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' to 'Separate But Equal', as a half-asse...Read full story
Father Ted: "When you land at Heathrow you think you are in a Third World land."
Craggy Island parish, west coast of Ireland: Very little happens in Craggy Island Parish to be reported, but in this news article news followers need to know what impact the Popes visit is having on some of the far flung outposts of Britain's former colonies and Empire. Father Ted has been reading the latest news in the local Parish News to Father Dougal about the Pope's visit to Britain. Fa...Read full story
Kate Gosselin SINGS! New Gosselin Album Hits the Bargain Bins!
First Paris Hilton. Then Heidi Montag. Now Kate Gosselin is the latest Reality TV star to produce a record album. Her new CD, titled "Mate With Kate" is designed to bring romance into the lives of couples who desire to start a family. "The music i...Read full story
Pope hasn't passed CRB check, Hyde Park mass cancelled.
The head of the Roman Catholic Church's visit to England has been mired by disappointment and upset for many but the latest blow was struck by officialdom and red tape. In the United Kingdom, anyone wishing to work with children in an official cap...Read full story
New York Jets Coach Says That Ines Sainz Should Dress More Like The Average Drab Looking, Frumpy Female Reporter Instead of Like A Victoria's Secret Model
NEW YORK CITY - The New York Jets fumble crew coach, Timmy "The Hands" Blumentelli, said that Ines Sainz, a reporter for Mexico's TV Azteca Network should not have been dressed like one of the Victoria's Secret models. He pointed out that when Sai...Read full story
America's Got Talent: Michael Grimm Defeats Prince Poppycock and Jackie Evancho To Win The $1 Million First Prize
HOLLYWOOD - Michael Grimm, a resident of Mississippi, has won this year's edition of America's Got Talent defeating Jackie Evancho, Prince Poppycock, and Fighting Gravity. Grimm, whose grandparents lost everything in Hurricane Katrina said that he...Read full story
Stephen Colbert Audience Turns Ugly After Realizing He's Not Republican
Things took a turn for the worse Wednesday night as the entire studio audience of the Colbert Report began throwing eggs and rotten tomatoes at Stephen Colbert and his guest, Arianna Huffington. One lone fan who later told us that he gets it that Col...Read full story
Michael Grimm is Anything But After Winning America's Got Talent
HOLLYWOOD, California - No one was really surprised except for maybe Michael Grimm himself at the end result of America's Got Talent. Grimm, the quiet, unassuming soulful singer from Mississippi came out the victor in what was obviously a very tight...Read full story
Bieber Fever Vaccine Shortage As Flu Season Nears
As the weather turns cooler and the leaves begin to change, the Center for Disease Control is getting progressively more concerned about the Bieber Fever. "What we're seeing is potential pandemic situation just as the flu season is approaching," s...Read full story
FIFA To Introduce Orange Card After Wenger Advice
World football's governing body, FIFA, have announced they have acted upon advice given to them by Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger with regard to the current yellow card/red card system used by referees, and have decided to introduce a new-coloured car...Read full story
Liberal Home Expo Show Opens in San Francisco
San Francisco CA: House Speaker Pelosi cut the ceremonial red ribbon (made from recycled duct tape) at the Mission Bay Convention Center, officially opening this Democratic liberal far left sponsored home show. Home design, home furnishings and trans...Read full story
President Obama To Tap Consumer Counsel
WASHINGTON, DC - President Barack Obama this week will tap Harvard Law professor Elizabeth Warren. When the First Lady heard about it, she went through the White House roof. White House officials haven't formally ruled out the possibility of tappi...Read full story