Wednesday, 22 September 2010

image for American Bald Eagle Snatches Up, Eats Glenn Beck's Dachshund
That's all that's left of poor little Adolph in the right talon of this satisfied American Bald Eagle.

NEW CANAAN, Connecticut -- Glenn Beck never thought twice about the safety of little Adolph when he let him outside to poop in the back yard of their home in one of the most affluent, safe and secure communities in America.

Now, his overweight 8-month-old dachshund is in the belly of a bald eagle -- a bird protected by federal law.

"He's the first animal I've ever gotten attached to. Now this happens," said Beck as tears began to stream down his face.

Beck had only just converted the puppy to Mormonism a few weeks ago.

According to the Foxx commentator, the eagle had swooped down and snatched up the adorable 11-pound weiner dog, carrying him about 300 feet before dropping behind some tall brush to grip the yelping puppy in its talons while tearing it to shreds with its powerful beak.

"I am like Howard Beale," said Beck, now weeping uncontrollably, his voice like talons on a blackboard. "When he came out of the rain and he was like, 'None of this makes any sense.' I am that guy.

"Poor little Adolph," he sobbed.

While eagle attacks on pets are rare, attacks by fascists like Glenn Beck are common, says Frieda Zawistowski, an adviser for the American Society for the Prevention of Crusades.

She said pet owners would be far better off thinking twice about letting their animals outside unsupervised than taking Beck's expected overreaction too seriously.

"We don't want to start a crusade to wipe the bald eagle off the face of the Earth," she explained.

Zawistowski said that bald eagles had already been around for millions of years before Joseph Smith was visited by God, who told him to start a restorationist movement based on ancient, more pure forms of Christianity that included polygamy.

In addition, unlike Mormon fundamentalist groups that continue the practice of exclusion based on race, bald eagles will eat just about anything they can carry away, though they usually feed on fish or carrion.

Glenn Beck feeds largely on fear, she said.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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