Gotta Go To Mo's, To Be Overcharged For Last Season's Sneakers

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Wednesday, 22 September 2010


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Counterfeit Adidas Superstars, Now $145.99, Only At Modell's.

It's all about the experience at the new Modell's Sporting Goods flagship, which opened last Wednesday here in Times Square. Well, that and paying $600.00 for last year's Nikes.

The two-level, 20,000-sq.-ft. space was completely transformed for its soft launch. New features include concept stores for brand partners such as Reebok and Nike, a playground-style court and the first same-day discount Yankees ticket booth, modeled after the TKTS theater kiosks.

Art Modell, The Son Henry Modell Actually Loved.

Arthur B. Modell bought the NFL's Cleveland Browns in 1961 with money lent to him by his father, late Modell's executive Henry Modell. He owned them until 1995, when he f--ked over Cleveland by turning the Browns into the Baltimore Ravens, which he sold in 2004 for $600 million. M

Art's big brother William Modell became chairman of Modell's Sporting Goods in 1985, but had effectively run the company with his father, Henry Modell, who was chairman of the Modell's, since 1963. When he died in 2008, the value of his share of the company was estimated at $25 million, one twenty-fourth (1/24th) what little bro got for the Ravens.

"We're taking what we feel is the best execution of a sporting goods store and bringing it to Times Square," Modell's president Seth Horowitz said. "Toys R Us has a Ferris wheel, so [we asked], 'What's our Ferris wheel?'"

Apparently, their Ferris Wheel is Futuristic Pricing.

"We thought that, if we priced our crappy clothing and shoes 200%-300% over what every other retailer charges, people will feel that they are shopping in the future," said CEO Mitrhell Modell, while listening to his arteries harden behind home plate at Yankee Stadium.

And, indeed, eight months after beginning a "rebirth" of the New York-based, 144-door chain, which included tearing the sh-t out of each and every store, ostensibly to change three or four signs therein, the flagship is the highest-priced example of charging a buttload for irregular Hanes t-shirts, as long as they have the Yankees logo on it.

"We have to make up for the significant number of Timberland boots stolen by the blacks," said Modell, who wishes he had the money his Uncle Art Modell has. "That's why we don't hire 'em."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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