Eamonn Holmes: Fifth series of Sudo-Q will guarantee everlasting world peace
TV presenter Eamonn Holmes has guaranteed the world will live in an everlasting state of peace if the BBC commissions a fifth series of Sudo-Q. Holmes, who presented four series of the sudoku / general knowledge based quiz show, believed there had...Read full story
Kate Gosselin's Bodyguard Steve Neild Has Decided Not To Divorce His Wife And Marry "KatGo"
READING, Pennsylvania - Long time bodyguard Steve "The Gray Fox" Neild, who for the past three months has pretty much been in the constant company of Kate Gosselin, has confided that contrary to the dozens of rumors he is not divorcing his wife in or...Read full story
Dog Found In Yoghurt Pot
A food production company was ordered to pay nearly £10,000 after a man found a dog in a yoghurt pot as he ate his lunch. Oscar Waggitt of Stinkborough, South Yorkshire had already eaten some of the yoghurt when he came across the canine filling.Read full story
Man Booker literary prize won by Facebook status update
A Facebook status update has won the prestigious Man Booker Prize for Fiction for the greatest piece of literary work in the English language. The award, which until this year was reserved for original full-length novels, was won by Psychocrazydav...Read full story
Jamie Oliver Almost Cooks Baby
A distaster was narrowly avoided at the Oliver household after chef, Jamie, almost cooked his newborn baby by mistake. "I thought he was a f***ing pizza!" Said Jamie Oliver, 35, he continued; "I've hardly got any sleep recently and I haven't been...Read full story
Nudists Vs. Swingers At Resort
A nudist resort in LaBum, France, has angered its faithful residents by allowing swingers to also enjoy holidays at the 4 star dwelling. The resort called, "Le Nakey Village," opened in 1949 with the intention of liberating people from the oppre...Read full story
RBS finally runs out of employees to fire
The Royal Bank of Scotland controversially fired its last 500 employees today and is now run by absolutely no one. In an effort to increase third quarter profits RBS has decided the best way to save money is to reduce its headcount to zero, theref...Read full story
Michael Jackson returns as new leader of North Korea
The world was left stunned today after Michael Jackson (Mi Jong-son) was unveiled as the new leader of North Korea. Speculation was rife that Kim Jong-il's son would take over the role, however few realised that Kim Jong-il was Michael Jackson's...Read full story
No winner for Singapore Grand Prix -- Shock Finish!
What is described as the worst ever Formula One race was held in Singapore today! The history of Formula One racing will never be the same. The race began with Spain's Fernando Alonso in pole-position, followed by German, Sebastian Vettel with Bri...Read full story
Millions in UK struck by fatal disease
Half of the UK's workforce ground to a halt today, including yours truly, as the population were confined to beds. Manflu, also known as "Extremely Fatal Disease" to men, and "Non-existent phenomena for a day off" to women, struck us all down, lea...Read full story
Texan woman receives death sentence after failing to send chain e-mail to 10 friends
A Texan woman has been sentenced to death after a court found her guilty as an accessory to murder upon hearing she heartlessly refused to act on a clear e-mail warning. Lara Bush of Deadskunk, West Texas was sent an chain e-mail stating in clear...Read full story
Commonwealth Games: Brit all-girl oral sex team hopes to 'blow' away the competition
At each games new events are introduced to delight the spectators and so it is with the 2010 Commonwealth Games. At the top of the charts - Britain's all-female oral sex team is all puckered up and feeling mighty confident at the Commonwealth Ga...Read full story
Obama sanctions Russell Brand book burning
President Barrack Obama has given official sanctioning to the public burning of Russell Brand's autobiography "My Booky Wook". Obama agreed to the request of Pastor Terry Jones, who was recently stifled in his attempt to burn the Koran. Since then...Read full story
Sarah Palin: " Pelosi's Eyes Look Like Two Piss-Holes In Snow Bank."
In a Tea Party meeting in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, an inspired Sarah Palin, when asked if she thought Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi had undergone recent Botox treatment, she responded: "The raccoon look must be the newest rage in San Francisco. To q...Read full story
Commonwealth Games update: Pak offers India unusual 'peace' pact at UN meeting
In a sudden turn-around Pakistan has just signed a most unusual 'peace' pact with sworn arch-enemy - India. Faced with turmoil caused by the Supreme court decisions, the Pak puppet Prime Minister and goofy Prez Mr. 10% Zardari had an emergency 'Ca...Read full story
Mythbuster shrunk in tragic accident
Mythbuster Adam Savage was shrunk yesterday morning after a mythbusting experiment tragically went wrong. It is believed the episode being filmed was due to be aired next month. It involved a myth that a fan wished to be tested. A grieving and...Read full story
Paris Hilton Banned From Paris
Socialite Paris Hilton has yet again been refused entry to another country due to her recent drugs bust. Recently refused entry into Japan due to a conviction, Hilton was this time denied entry to France, when she attempted to disembark off a fli...Read full story
More Quotes About The GOP Guru Known Simply As Rush Limbaugh
Rush Hudson Limbaugh, III, is 59-years-old and he has just published his third book on quotes entitled More Quotes About The GOP Guru Known Simply As Rush Limbaugh. The noted radio host, political commentator, author, and television personality, is truly one American who loves to argue whether he is right or wrong. One of his best friends Glenn Beck has stated that Rush is such an argumenta...Read full story
Palace boiler room scam: Queen 'could drop dead from hypothermia by Friday' shock horror!
London - (Dependency Culture Mess): "One is freezing one's nutz orf because of the recession," the Queen complained today amid headlines of being sidelined for an OAP handout to buy a new boiler. "Just have to chop up some irreplaceable Chippendal...Read full story
Julianne Hough, Cheryl Cole, and Selena Gomez To Star In The TV Sit-Com "Two And A Half Women"
HOLLYWOOD - Charlie Sheen will be producing a spin-off of his hit television sit-com Two and A Half Men, to be called Two and A Half Women. The new show will star Julianne Hough (Ryan Seacrest's girlfriend), Cheryl Cole (Derek Hough's girlfriend),...Read full story
Britain is turning into a "hot and spicy Sodom & Gomorrah!"
Brits, not being particularly renowned for their "hot and spicy" habits are "coming out" of their closets and proving to the world that they are! They do actually possess a few "hot and spicy" celebs who attempt to prove too the world that Britain...Read full story
WikiLeaks Revelation: Iranian President "Some Kind of F***ked Up Elf."
Sydney, Australia (BNSE): Wikileaks, the controversial Australian based organization which recently rocked the American intelligence community with the release of thousands of classified documents linked to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, has sen...Read full story
NHS follow Tesco in budget cuts latest
Designed to speed up waiting systems, make the whole "4 hour rule" look like the piece of shit that it is as well as make it cheaper for the NHS in terms of wages: hospitals in Wales are the first to try out "DIY Operation Station". The area allow...Read full story
Gerrard: "I aim to win a title"
Steven Gerrard has recently revealed how he aims to cap off his footballing career: with ambitions of winning the Premier League slowly and surely slipping down the drain. Our interview panel attempted to interview Gary Lineker, who was too busy t...Read full story
Dogging: Another Reason To Thank God That We Won The War of Independence
Experts, patriots and, frankly, anyone with a lick of sense is falling to their knees and thanking their Higher Power that the Colonist rebels managed to win independence over England, for any one of a thousand reasons. Add "Dogging", and we're a...Read full story
The Man: Sick And Tired Of Being Damned!
'The Man', faceless entity of many souless corporations the world over, sensationally came out last night and said he was 'sick and tired of being damned'. "Whenever something goes wrong," he crooned "I get blamed. Prices go up, damn The Man! No p...Read full story
X-Factor's Chloe Mafia To Become A BBC Newsreader?
Persistent rumours circulating around BBC Television Centre appear to suggest that the media juggernaut has approached failed X-Factor boot camp wannabe, Chloe Mafia - offering her a job reading the early evening edition of The News on BBC1 Analys...Read full story
67% of Prison Officers Gay
A leaked report from Crispin Blunt's office alleges that up to 67% of England's prison officers are gay. The report found that men, in particular, were attracted to the post because of three main reason: 1: They are lacking authority at home an...Read full story
Man who dialled 999 because stray cat entered his house gets dumped in bin for wasting police time
A man who dialled 999 because a stray cat had walked through his back door into his kitchen was criticised today for wasting police time and has been dumped in a bin. The man, from Gloucester, was politely told to pick up the cat and put him out.Read full story
Ed and David Milliband are really brothers - it's true!
Labour Party leader Ed Milliband revealed that he and fellow leadership candidate David Milliband are brothers and have been for many years. Apparently, the two men, who both applied for the top job in the Shadow Cabinet, share not only the same fath...Read full story
Ethical Fashion Show reveals Veggie Burger Bra and Panties
The Ethical Fashion Show, the world's largest event devoted solely to sustainable fashion, is now in its seventh year and shows no sign of slowing. This year it looks as if Lady Gaga's recent sartorial exploits have inspired the hippy fashionistas...Read full story
"Dumb" Marie Curie to be posthumously stripped of Nobel Prize for Health and Safety violations
Polish physicist and chemist Marie Curie is to be posthumously stripped of her Nobel Prize after being branded as "dumb beyond belief" by the Norweigan Nobel Committee. Curie, who was originally rewarded the prize for her pioneering work in the fi...Read full story
Spurs on the run
Penny knew it would be alright and that West Ham would come storming back when they had found their feet. 'The first win in the League this season against Tottenham after the League Cup away win against Sunderland. We'll be up amongst the fron runners in no time' she enthused to her boy friend Terry. He was happy about West Ham and also about his first training with Leyton Orient under sixte...Read full story
Posh Woman Breaks Silence - "I Am Not A Prostitute, Or A Nymphomaniac - I Am An Executive Literary Editor"
The posh woman from Surrey, accused by neighbours of being a prostitute, or a nymphomaniac, has finally broken her silence and revealed exclusively to Skoob News that she has absolutely nothing to hide. "I am an Executive Literary Editor and consu...Read full story
French female ex-minister proves that "fellatio" is "inflationary" during oral sex!
French, very sexy and petit, ex-minister Madame Dati has given a TV interview on the French blockbusting porno site (C)Anal + and revealed what she feels whilst having an "inflated fellatio" during oral sex and here are comments: "Qui, Qui, I just...Read full story
Historian denies existence of Holocaust-denier David Irving
A historian has caused controversy over claims that Holocaust-denying historian David Irving doesn't actually exist. The historian, Irving David, made the bold claims despite the seemingly insurmountable and incontrovertible weight of evidence aga...Read full story
Tax Professionals Lawsuit against H&R Block Will Bankrupt The Company.
According to experts familiar with the company, it will be H&R Block's tax professionals that drive the troubled tax preparation firm to the depths of insolvency. Not that they needed any help. On January 25, 2010, a California attorney fil...Read full story
Posh Woman Is A Secret Nymphomaniac Say Suspicious Neighbours
A posh woman, living in a posh UK street, somewhere in Surrey was described today by neighbours as "a secret nymphomaniac." The woman, who we cannot name for legal reasons appears to be just an ordinary neighbour going about her daily business in...Read full story
Glenn Beck to Translate Bible to Fit His Agenda
Glenn Beck announced today that he translated the Bible into a language his fans can understand, and help backup his agenda. "I think the Bible needed to be in a language that everyone understands. My fans deserve answers to questions they could...Read full story
Mariah Carey involuntarily violates Vajazzled Verjayjay in Singapore sling
Mariah Carey, the well rounded personality who looks like she's been tangoed, is said to be in a stable condition following an accident on stage in Singapore recently. While performing her hit song "Make it Happen" Ms Carey slipped and fell down,...Read full story
Patagonia Nut Farmer Moonlights as Spoof Writer
Not originally recognized in any country other than his own, Philbert Macadamia, Chilean nut grower and the country's largest exporter is also becoming wildly popular as a satirical writer for TheSpoof.com online magazine. Preferring to deftly spo...Read full story
Local man wins car
Local man Kevin Nobbart was presented with the keys to a shiny new Ford Focus yesterday. The car was the first prize in the High St Motors grand raffle. A delighted Mr Nobhard (Who already has a company car of his own)attended the High St Motors s...Read full story
New Doctor Who Will Be Plank Of Wood
As fans get excited and wet their nappies about the upcoming christmas special I, Marcus Battenburg, can reveal the identity of the actor that is set to repace Matt "Result of a mating session between the Elephant Man & a Duck" Smith in 2012.Read full story
Student debt collector accuses Chris Moyles of "a huge lack of respect" over non-payment
A spokesman for the Student Debt Collectors (SDC) has launched a vitriolic on-air attack of Chris Moyles after it was revealed the radio presenter had not contributed towards the repayment in the last five months. "I am very, very angry" the spoke...Read full story
Self Proclaimed Sex Goddess Irma Nici - Beckham Unleashes The Dogs
The hunt is on for self proclaimed love Goddess, Irma Nici - who claimed that David Beckham had shelled out a fistful of readies for a night of pash in NYC. Becks has really let the dogs out on this one - an army of lawyers scouring the planet in...Read full story
Tom Jones rushed to hospital for checks after failing to bring up tenuous Elvis anecdotes in interview
Welsh singer Tom Jones has been rushed to hospital for checks after he failed to mention any anecdotes about Elvis Presley in an interview. Alarms were raised by a concerned interviewer regarding the state of Jones' mental condition when the singe...Read full story
Obama Set to Kick Off "I Don't Know & I Don't Care' Midterm Election Campaign!
President Barry Obama, seemingly unaware of a ground swell of discontent toward his failed social and economic policies, is pulling out all the stops as he plans to lecture the nation non stop until the mid term elections 5 weeks away. Kicking of...Read full story
Coalition Government To Release 'Sexy Calendar'
The U.K's coalition government are set to release a 2011 sexy calendar, sources say. The photo shoot has already begun, with sessions taking place in Hyde Park and the Houses Of Parliament. Exact details of the pictures are being closely guarde...Read full story
'Not enough oral sex' says Euro Government representative.
Glamorous French politician Rachida Dati has caused a bit of a hullabaloo by saying that "fellatio is almost non-existent." All of the big nobs and assorted members in the Euro-Parliament looked at her a bit cock-eyed when she mouthed the words,...Read full story
Selina Scott Not Of The Antarctic As Beeb Pulls Plug
Former newsreader and one time Princess Diana look-a-little-likey, Selina Scott, will not be presenting a BBC documentary retracing the steps of Captain Robert Falcon Scott, who cashed his chips somewhere down the Antarctic in 1912. Insiders claim...Read full story
Ode to a Fevere Called Dengue
An Ode to a Certain Malevolent Fevere on the Occasion of a Major Epidemic that has Acquired a Pathogenicity that Imperils Mankind Across the Globe and May Destroy Civilization as It Is Known to Us Presented in Its Entirety by the Poet Laureate on the Mundane, the Preposterous, and the Absurd: Sir Percival Blink, Esq. to His Most Excellent, Gracious, and Hornie Majesty as He Recovers from His F...Read full story
Commonwealth Games - India refuse to send a team
India are the latest country to pull their team out of the Commonwealth game in Delhi. This follows the high profile departures of Togo, Tonga and Trinidad and Tobasco citing inhuman conditions at the tournament. With crumbling venues, unfinished...Read full story
Horror: Jack Dies In Terrifying Fall.
Jack Smith, 860, died last night in a terrifying fall from his beanstalk. The hero of the children's story had lived alone there ever since killing the Giant. The adventurer rose to fame when he misguidedly swapped a cow for magic beans. His fu...Read full story
James Cameroon Speaks About Avatar Sequel
James Cameron has today revealed a few hints about the upcoming sequel to 3D hit Avatar. Speaking during a press conference held at a shed in Whitby to promote his new movie "Spade! - The Untold Story Of A Gardening Tool" Mr Cameroon said "I feel...Read full story
Rooney Dismisses 'Bottler' Keegan's Red-Top Rant
Sources close to Manchester United and England striker, Wayne Rooney claim that he has largely dismissed a Sun newspaper article attributed to Kevin Keeegan, which claimed that his confidence was 'shot.' Keegan, the former Liverpool and Hamburg pl...Read full story
Aliens 'have deactivated UK & US nukes', take orders from Michelle Obama!
Washington - (Star Bores): Is America's First Lady conducting a military agenda of her very own, flanked by a covert ET army of nuke-busting aliens? Or are the 'nuke-busting ET' headlines today just a cover story behind some further grim revelatio...Read full story
X-Factor Chav Defends Herself On This Morning
X-Factor reject Chloe Mafia Has spoken out on ITV's This Morning about the allegations she is a paid escort and a heavy coke user. Speaking to Phil and the other one that's not Fern she said "No, right I's didn't do any of that right because I's...Read full story
Fake Signs Cause Town Centre Havoc
Shoppers in High Wycombe were sent in to a tizzy on Thursday last, when jokers put up a myriad of fake signs in the town centre. Local man Billy Bunce was astounded. "I was astounded," he said. The first sign was noticed pointing to a large bui...Read full story
Proof: The Sun Says 'The Egg Came First'
In a wildly random and irrational statement The Sun has claimed that 'The Egg Came First'. The so-called professional reporters used their usual level of tabloid journalistic skills to write the article, which was situated between a piece on Wayne...Read full story
X-Factor - How Chloe Mafia Blew It
And so it came to pass that the X-Factor judges passed on Chloe Mafia, the Wakefield songbird who can't sing very well, but does a nice line in...pleading her case. As she demonstrated so ably last week. But alas, it all came unravelled as Chloe entered the boot camp stage. And that's without the prostitution angle, the coke snorting allegations and the apparent threats from the father of...Read full story
This ISN'T Anfield
You can often tell a lot about a club by their shirt sponsor. Everton have Chang Beer (so one could infer that you'd have to be a pissed up Chinese factory worker to support them) and before that they had One 2 One (or as we across the park liked to suggest; Gone 2 One). Manchester City are sponsored by Etihad since that's the airline their new found friends in the Middle East have to use...Read full story
A man walks into a bar to meet others for a "A Man Walks Into a Bar" joke convention
They were all there, the first man who ever did it, now an old wheelchair bound octogenarian, the next few men who walked into various bars in various jokes the world over. The Horse, The Zebra, The two blonds, the twelve inch pianist. The bar was packed with anyone who was anyone in the "A Man Walks Into a Bar" joke world. There have been countless variations on this joke down throughout t...Read full story
Paris Hiton Press Conference in Japan but not in Japan
Paris Hilton who was denied entry into Japan is still in Japan. Unbeknown to most, Paris Hilton was permitted to hang out in Japan after sending a stand-in home instead. "The stand-in is me regardless of the fact that I am here because as long as she left Japan then technically I left because she is me, that way I can continue on as me while she is me outside of Japan since I am not allowed in...Read full story
The other things David Beckham did not do
Hot on the news that David Beckham did not pay two prostitutes for a lesbian romp, several other things he did not do are emerging. David Beckham has not murdered Victoria and replaced her with a lookee-likee. The murder was not committed in order...Read full story
Li-Lo and others given "Second Worst punishment imaginable"
Having ruled out the whole "It's a small world" punishment, Barack Obama has forced off the rail celebrities to face another punishment: to play in this year's Ryder Cup tournament. Many of the drunken celebrities are unable to hold a golf club, l...Read full story
Antarctica Snow Cone King Has Asked US President Barack Obama for a Bailout
Antarctica snow cone king, Jason Symbol, has petitioned United States president Barack Obama for a bailout for his failing snow cone business that is located at McMurdo station on Ross Island. Ross Island is located in the Ross Sea, just off the coast of Victoria Land in McMurdo Sound, which is located just off the coast of the continent of Antarctica. Apparently, twelve year old Jason Symbo...Read full story
Facebook and Twitter Gone, Replaced by Pony Express
Internet slowdowns, Twitter technical problems, Facebook glitches. ENOUGH! The U. S. has decided to replace the Internet and all its trappings with something more efficient -- Pony Express, a fabulous 19th century U. S. communication system.Read full story
Hey, Blockbuster Video: Do You Know Why I Haven't rented a video From You in Five Years?
Hey, Blockbuster Video: Do you know why I haven't rented a video from you in five years? Because I f--king hate you. Every time I rented something there, I forgot about it. Actually, I didn't forget. I was just too damned lazy to bring the movie back. So I kept it out a day or two too long, which racked up a big bill when I finally did bring it back. F--k you and your late fees. It is wh...Read full story
OctoMom Facing House Foreclosure Has Three Options - Borrow The Money From Mel Gibson, Rob A Bank, or Pose In The Nude For PlayGuy Magazine
LA BREA, California - Nadya Suleman, the woman known as OctoMom, has found herself in quite an unfavorable situation. It appears that the mother of 14 kids, including a set of octuplets is in danger of having her home foreclosed on. Suleman in...Read full story
New York Foot-Ball Giants Flib a Slugburger Against Tennessee Team To-Day
DATELINE- NEW YORK CITY, NY, U.S.A.--- It was, said Coach Tom Coughlin, "just a case of the N.Y. Football Giants letting the foot-ball team from Tennessees run through them." Tossing the foot-ball, and plenty of it, came from the New York Footbal...Read full story
Lindsay Lohan Says She Looks Forward to Return to Prison
LA- Lindsay Lohan says she enjoys the process of going to court and prison so much that she is purposely screwing up her life. "I find it so mentally stimulating to go through court hearings and then when I'm changing into prison garb, the body ca...Read full story
Manchester United Back Four Is "Worst In Living Memory" Says Baby, Aged 2
The defensive back four of Premier League title challengers Manchester United is "just not good enough", and "the worst in living memory" according to one staunch Reds fan, Wayne Blenkinsop, aged 2, from somewhere, but not Manchester. Wayne, whose...Read full story
Australia can't decide anything
AUSTRALIA- A leading psychologist and social expert have concluded that Australia has lost the ability to decide anything. Gordon Witherby, founder of the Institute of Modern Thought, presented his finding to a reception last night. "The 68-all...Read full story
Athens and Sparta History to be Revised
Athens GR: Subway construction in Greece's capitol city has unearthed an amphora containing a historical description written by Moussaka, a historian of the period 490 BC to 431 BC. There is new information about the relations between the Greek-city...Read full story
Dear Michael Vick: Keep Playing Good, So Daddy Doesn't Give Me and Mommy Boo-Boos!
Dear Michael Vick: You make Daddy happy when you play football. Mommy says we don't have to hide from Daddy in the garage when you start at QB, because the Eagles might win. Daddy even lets me sit with him when you play. I get to give him bottles of his special soda from the fridge. What does HEINEKIN spell? Mommy calls Daddy's special soda his 'mean juice', but he hardly hits us any m...Read full story
Progress! Kevin Kolb Stays Conscious Through Entire Eagles-Jaugars Game Sunday.
PHILADELPHIA - Philadelphia Eagles fans and coaches alike are thrilled at the progress shown by now-83th-string QB Kevin Kolb, just two weeks after KTFO during the Eagles season opener against Packers. "We are really happy that Kevin was able to s...Read full story