Massachusetts Orders Mandatory Evacuation of All Citizens
BOSTON, MA - Massachusetts officials ordered the state-wide evacuation of all citizens today in anticipation of a possible strike by Hurricane Earl. Congressman Barney Frank said that he was looking forward to seeing Earl coming in the back door o...Read full story
The Tony Blair memoirs chapter 12 - Tony Takes a Dump
It was a black day when I took a shit. Blacker than 9/11 or when Lady Di had an accident in that French tunnel. Blacker than 7/7, Boris Johnson and when some little bastard grafittied the word 'CUNT' on the front door of one of those fabulous apartme...Read full story
Hogwarts fails OFTSED inspection and will be closed
Hogwarts, the exclusive school for wizards and witches, is to be closed after it failed an inspection by OFSTED, the educational watchdog, this week. A spokesperson said: "We saw appalling breaches of health and safety as well as a complete lack...Read full story
Ke$ha Wants To Date Miley Cyrus' Ex-Boyfriend Liam Hem$worth
ALHAMBRA, California - Ke$ha had gone up to Alhambra to pay a visit to The Glittering Glitter Shoppe where she purchases most of her performing glitter. The salesgirl immediately recognized her because of the two pounds of glitter she had from her...Read full story
Close-up Photos of Kate Gosselin Show She Definitely Has A Lady Gaga Type Bulge
READING, Pennsylvania - The one and only star of Kate Plus 8, Kate Gosselin, showed why it is that her ex-husband, Jon "The Kinky Korean" Gosselin left the woman he referred to as "King Kate." Kate was recently spotted at a local self-serve gas st...Read full story
Tony Blair: My Life As A Dog
Tony Blair has revealed in his recently published autobiography, "Tony Blair, A Journey," that years after they both left office he is still George W. Bush's poodle. In his book Blair vigorously defends George W. Bush, Bush's actions and Blair's own...Read full story
Blair Memoirs Shock
Former prime minister of the United Kingdom, Tony Blair, much publicised memoirs of his time in office, went on sale to the public this morning. A scan through the pages reveals the shock of the former PM having hair pulling girly fights with his...Read full story
Woman Convicted of Stealing Own Identity
(Nippintucket, OH) An Ohio woman has been convicted of an unusual form of identity theft. US Prosecuting Attorney Robert Ungar Rammson said the elderly woman, Gedda L. Ott, had over the years filled out credit card applications sent to relatives w...Read full story
Abbas releases list of demands in advance of meeting with Netanyahu, including "I have a Dream [that you stop building Jewish settlements]" and "Gimme Gimme Gimme [the whole of Jerusalem]"
Palestinian President Abbas will tell Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu that he has a dream whereby Israelis and Palestinians live together in peace and harmony. "In my dream", the former singer turned politician will say, "Palestinians will stop kil...Read full story
Tony and Gordon make up and open hairdressing salon
The feud between former Labour Prime Ministers Tony Blair and Gordon Brown is officially over and the couple have agreed to work together as partners as they did once before. They will open a hairdressing salon called Tony&Gordon. For years, t...Read full story
Blair: "I couldn't stand Brown"
Former Prime Minister Tony Blair has today published his memoirs. Entitled "I Hate That One-eyed Scottish C**t", it describes Blair's anger at his successor Gordon Brown, and goes into incredible detail about every argument they had. It also describe...Read full story
Naked Teenage Girl Dancers On The Internet Get Local Car Dealer Into Trouble!
Four teenage girls were sent home from Ballard High School in Cooke County, Tennessee when they showed up on the internet, dancing in the nude to a jingle about "Crazy Bob's" Used Car Emporium!" Crazy Bob wound up with two black eyes and in the Co...Read full story
Tories deny rumours that one of their Ministers is heterosexual
The Tory government is reeling from yet another sex scandal following publication of allegations on an Internet blog that one of its Ministers is heterosexual. The unnamed Minister was seen talking to and holding hands with a woman. He is said to...Read full story
Levi Johnston Says He Lied When He Lied About Admitting Lies About Palin!
Young, handsome Levi Johnston has mastered the art of political pootanging to such a point that he wants you, the people of America, to know that his apology to the Palins was a steaming hot heaping of moose hockey! "I lied when I told them I had...Read full story
Kristen Srewart: Leaving Tooth Marks On My Breasts!
"Oh I know this vampire thing isn't going to hurt me as I don't know of any real vampires, except people like Bernie Madoff who suck the life right out of people. But we, Robert Pattinson and I, felt something very strange when we went back and saw t...Read full story
Pattinson - Not Bothered
There has been a lot of gossip surrounding Jimmy Fallons and actor/singer , Robert Pattinson. Apparently, despite being married, Fallon is quite jealous of the way women react when Pattinson enters the room. Fallon has become quite upset that he d...Read full story
Harry Bawlz, Hugh Jarection and Haywood Jablome Open Legal Name Change Centers Across America
Three ambitious entrepreneurs with poorly thought out names have joined forces to open a nationwide series of legal centers that target those poor souls with undeserved first or last names. Lawyers Harold Bawlz, Hugh Jarection and Haywood Jablome wi...Read full story
Look at this thing
Many people are suddenly leaping up onto their beds and shouting "Look at this thing!" lately - and it is all down to 'The Thing'. A woman was terrified at the sight that greeted her as she awoke this morning, but once she remembered to put on her...Read full story
Blair admits "I'm an alcholic" in his blockbusting autobiography!
Loveable Tony Blair, ex UK-Prime Minister, warmonger, George Bush's doormat, cool Britain instigator, Spin Doctors victim, Gordon Brown's best buddy, etc, etc, has at last admitted how he managed to bluff the British public so convincingly, it was "B...Read full story
Glenn Beck Mangles Himself When The Great Kazoo Starts Riot With Other Voices
Police were called to Glenn Beck's house last night. Beck was found laying on his back. He was bleeding from his face, nose and sported two black eyes. He had a dismembered arm and both legs were fractured. There were also bite marks visible around...Read full story
Tony Blair's autobiography to reveal Stig's identity!
In a decision sure to shock Top Gear fans, ex PM Tony Bliar is to reveal the secret identity of the mysterious driver known as the Stig. Fat balding presenter, Jeremy Clarkson intoned " It is truly unbelievable. I can forgive him for Iraq and lyin...Read full story
Sandra Bullock Says She's Proud of Her Little 'Cajun Cookie' and Next Plans To Adopt A Little 'Creole Cracker'
NEW ORLEANS - The Academy Award winner for Best Actress Sandra Bullock was in the city they call "The Big Easy." And although Sandy now appears to be over her depression at having been cheated on by her low-life, inbred "Hey Y'all Is The Carnival...Read full story
Lady Gaga Infuriates Canadian Officials!
According to the latest from Lady Gaga, she has insulted the citizens of Edmonton, Canada and doesn't seem to be all that concerned about it, even though she has a concert coming up! Apparently, Lady Gaga used her Twitter.com page to share a photo...Read full story
Hippocrites In DC! Where Are The Wind & Solar Farms?
According to a news release today, all that government land set aside for wind and solar energy is setting empty. "They have had years to begin and no one has built a thing", stated one observer. "Not one light bulb has been lit as far as I can se...Read full story
Residential Real Estate Market Experiences Dead Cat Bounce, not Sustainable Recovery.
The resurgence in real estate sales is being reported by some as indicative of a trend toward economic recovery, but wise investors are calling it quite another thing: A dead cat bounce. What in Gul-darned, Stinkly Hell Is A Dead Cat Bounce? The term is derived from the idea that even a dead cat will bounce if it falls from a great height; referring to a small, brief recovery after a particu...Read full story
FDA Finds Rodents, Eggs Buried In Chickenshit On Egg Farm!
Thomas Dewey of the FDA says that a surprise visit by his team found two egg farms in horrible shape. "No wonder there is salmonella! Some of the cages were full of crap, a dead chicken here and there, big rats staring at you from their hideaways,...Read full story
Back to school
At last, nearly there. What a relief to get away from M& D, much as I love them. Barbs has similar problems with her parents and Terry also. What is it with our parents? They seem to be bored with life. The only one with a bit of spirit is Grandma. So one last visit before term time and I've lugged Terry along to meet her. 'What a nice surprise' Grandma said on seeing them at her door...Read full story
Alice Roberts v Miranda Krestovnikoff: Coast Gals Square Up!
Fans of BBC documentary series Coast are bracing themselves for a bust-up between two of their favourite female presenters. As we reported last week, fans of presenter Dr Alice Roberts were disappointed that she is keeping her clothes on for her n...Read full story
The Young Putz's: New GOP Leadership
The press conference announcing the new GOP leadership, "The Young Guns," was barely underway when spectators noticed a ripple of smirks and laughter among the press corps. Within a few minutes, all in attendance realized that the press corps had re-...Read full story
Paris Hilton asks Lindsay Lohan for Tips on "Slammer Time"
In anticipation for an upcoming conviction on possession of Cocaine, Paris Hilton has reportedly asked Lindsay Lohan for tips on how to properly prepare herself for time in the slammer. Though details of the actual conversation were sketchy, Ainsl...Read full story
Lily Allen To Head Western Culture Think Tank
One of the great creative forces of the early 21st century is to head up a multi-national, multi-discipline investigation into the state of modern western culture. The think-tank will consider the causes for the decadence displayed in the west and...Read full story
Cherie lovers thought Blair was a dickhead
London - (Cuckold Mess): Labour insiders said today the Blair matrimony mirage was heavily propped up by Cherie's surreptitious shagging. "But old Tone had her over a barrel about that first marriage to Dubya!" National Executive Committee mixolog...Read full story
Gay Cuban Catcher Called Up to the Mets
Enrico Sanchez, openly gay but proficient catcher in the Mets minor league system, was called up to New York this past weekend in an attempt to fill the hitting void behind the bag, as it were. Quietly defecting from Cuba in a rubber inner tube s...Read full story
Drowning Street sommelier: Blair was ratarssed 24/7
London - (Wee Dram Mess): The government's former chief bartender said today Blair was mostly pissed from breakfast onwards 'and often needed several changes of underwear a day'. Kevin 'High Ball' Chaser was commenting on the 'Alcohol & Prime...Read full story
Glenn Beck Caught on Camera Partially Shape Shifting into Unidentified Creature
Videotape of Glenn Beck losing his temper has been making the rounds on the internet again after a well-known cryptozoologist announced that upon closer inspection of the "angry Beck tape" which first aired in August of 2009, it shows Beck partially...Read full story
Blair 'held gun to Queen's head' over death of Diana
London - (Smoking Gun News): The Russian roulette event propelled Blair to royal funeral stardom as the Great British nation went bonkers with grief. A witness to the incident said today the Queen was woken in her bed and told to 'hand over everyt...Read full story
Psychologist's Research Suggests that Multiple Orgasms Can Save Mankind
Psychologist Heinrich von Stroodle of Vienna, Austria has just published his latest research findings in the World Health Organization Journal of Modern Medicine (WHOJMM) that suggest that multiple orgasms by as many humans as humanly possible in the...Read full story
Cowell in Hospital After Poker Fiasco
Talent show judge and professional national annoyance, Simon Cowell, has been admitted to hospital after shoving a hot poker up his own bottom. The incident happened after he had watched a re-run of the popular reality show 'Britain's Got Talent',...Read full story
Government Orders Any Businesses Showing a Profit to Stop Doing So Immediately
The recession has gotten so bad that most businesses in the country's market sectors, including technology, capital goods, and energy have been showing losses for the past 6 months or more. This is alarming but it is in line with what the effects of...Read full story
Lady Gaga surgically altered to become downloadable Tamagotchi style app' for smart phones.
Lucky ticket holders to Lady Gaga's recent gig in the US, were treated to the performance of a brand new song and be the first to hear the shock announcement that all of her fans would have the chance to get a piece of their idol, quite literally.Read full story
Gun Activist Shoots Off Nose
WASHINGTON, D.C.--A gun rights activist who thinks anyone who favors gun control of any type is a "socialist elitist who hates America" accidentally shot off his nose yesterday while at a rally here celebrating the second part of the Second Amendment...Read full story
Blare & Gorgon Shock
The publication of Toni Blare's school diary has shocked his old school pals. It has also excited the slobbering school gossips who have been wetting themselves as they read the inside news of how the school was run after the Prefects were kicked out...Read full story
Pak security team "deboarded and rudely treated" by US officials after "one of them made a comment to a flight attendant"
WASHINGTON: A delegation of senior Pakistani security officials visiting America claims they were ordered off an aeroplane and "rudely treated" after one of the made a "comment to a flight attendant". The group then flew back to Islamabad. One of...Read full story
Nick Clegg defects
Westminster was buzzing this morning when it heard that an email with subject: "Nick Clegg defects" was doing the rounds amongst senior civil servants. An angry Mr Clegg confronted the senior mandarins, saying that it wasn't true and that such ru...Read full story
Paracetamol (tylenol) makes you fat
Millions of people worldwide will take paracetamol (tylenol) today, unaware that a recent study has proven that it is responsible for the worldwide obesity epidemic. The controversial paper (awaiting publication) by Paul Roctor and Gareth Amble of...Read full story
History Review: Samuel Pepys, The Unequalled Self, by Claire Tomalin
Pepys left us a fascinating and insightful account of life in Restoration London. Ms Tomalin's biography is a welcome modern examination of the man himself. Ken Lucid was supposed to review this book when the paperback was published in 2003. He's just found his notes… Oh come on! This bloke's famous for writing a diary. Hello-o! What the bloody hell do you need a biography of a guy who w...Read full story
Rottweilers Savaged By Jack Russell
There were renewed calls for a further tightening of the Dangerous Dogs Act 1991 last night after two Rottweilers needed hospital treatment after being savagely attacked by a Jack Russell in a Dundee park. The Rottweilers, Gripper and Killer - the...Read full story
English Teacher Rips Trousers In Playground Football Incident
An overenthusiastic English teacher in the Thai capital of Bangkok, fell foul of the country's 'no grass in schools' policy this morning during a game of playground football, sustaining a serious injury to his trousers when he dived to save an almost...Read full story
My kid wants a pony for her birthday...
My kid is having a birthday coming up soon, and there'll be a lot of children around, so I figured I'd better get the pony she wants. I suspect there'll be, say, about 20 or 30 kids, and I thought a pony would fit the bill nicely. Please let me know what you feed your pony - hay, grain, whatever, so I know what to expect. Also, let me know if the pony gets a lot of exercise, or if it j...Read full story
Dear Person who Burglarized my SUV...
New Jersey Criminal Code Section 62: Simple Burglary--"Simple burglary is the unauthorized entering of any dwelling, vehicle, watercraft, or other structure, moveable or immovable, with the specific intent to commit a felony or any theft therein. Whoever commits the crime of simple burglary shall be fined not more than two thousand dollars, imprisoned with or without hard labor for not more than t...Read full story
The First New Idea In Hollywood In 20 Years - Some Truly Horrific Ideas For Movies
I foresee the day when Hollywood, which currently has nothing to offer except warmed over repition, will have to change. Otherwise, moviegoers will wake up and grow weary of the lack of ingenuity and this onslaught of formulaic filmmaking. But I think I may have come up with the greatest, and at the same time the worst, idea that will save the industry. It's quite simple, really. Instead of...Read full story
Libertarian Party Chooses Rooster as its Animal Symbol
The Democrats use the donkey as their symbol. The Republicans use an elephant. Until now, the Libertarians had no animal symbol to relate to. However, this past week, leaders of the party gathered the responses to a poll sent out to registered Libert...Read full story
Michael Moore: I'm a Conservative Republican
In a press release that shocked many, liberal political activist and film maker Michael Moore yesterday announced that he had become a conservative republican. "I've been listening to talk radio for several months now, and I think they're complet...Read full story
Sarah Palin Is Ecstatic That Daughter Bristol Will Be Appearing On Dancing With The Stars
WASILLA, Alaska - Sarah Palin was speaking before The Wasilla Taxidermist Society of Wasilla when she was asked what she thought about daughter Bristol being one of the contestants on this years edition of Dancing With The Stars. Palin, took a dee...Read full story
Is it a gas - or is it a fart?
Well, think about it. There are both American/Canadian and British writers on this site. Probably even more nationalities....but it crossed my mind...and that of others...that...even though we THINK we are speaking the same language....we are most definitely NOT. In England a 'fanny' is a 'vagina' In America a 'fanny' is a 'butt' In England a 'butt' is a 'fag end' In America a 'fag e...Read full story
Hemorrhoids are becoming Paranoid
A recent study has been carried out on Hemorrhoids. It IS believed, in the medical profession, that Hemorrhoids are indeed becoming Paranoid. The Hemorrhoids vehemently deny this finding and say they are not sore about the results but they feel they just can't sit and take this, sitting down, without a fight. A number of Hemorrhoids are rather upset as they have a feeling that they have b...Read full story