"Wouldn't stand up in a court of law!" says head of Serious & Disorganised Crime Agency
Londin - (Brinks Matt News): "Loada bollox from begining to end," is the news from the Met's anti-mobster division where an arrest warrant is being readied for the Pope's arrival. "Pull the other one, it's got Brinks-Matt bullion heist written all...Read full story
Hussein Obama Converts Oval Office To A Mosque
It was duly reported that while President Obama and his family vacationed at Martha's Vineyard, the Oval Office would undergo an extensive renovation. The reason, as explained by Press Secretary Gibbs, was to remove any pecker stains inadvertently l...Read full story
Glenn Beck Creates New Religion "Mormonistianity"
Coming off the self-proclaimed super success of his Restoring Honor Rally in Washington, D.C., Glenn Beck has had an epiphany of sorts. In fact, he believes that his particular belief system is different enough and believable enough to catch on with...Read full story
Scientists Conclude Women Really Don't Like You
A team of top researchers from every field of human interaction have concluded that women just don't like you. Their year long study, commissioned by you, observed every interaction you've had with single eligible women and found that consistently an...Read full story
Monica Mint Is Furious That Chloe Mafia Is Stealing Her Whorish Thunder
SOHO, England - Famed 'Lady of The Evening' Monica Mint reportedly told her dentist/sex therapist Dr. Basil F. McPiccadilly, that she is upset, angry, and madder than a dairy cow with an inverted udder at X-Factor contestant Chloe Mafia. Monica sa...Read full story
Taylor Swift and Her Brand New Main Squeeze Toby Hemingway Vacationing Up In Maine
KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine - The country singing sensation Taylor Swift was finally able to find a little time to take off from her hectic music concert tour and relax in the relaxing capital of New England the state of Maine. Swift and her brand new bo...Read full story
Cat Put Into Sealed Trash Can Leads To Bin Laden Arrest!
A story that was all over the internet for over a week, of a lady stuffing a cat into a trash can, has led to the capture of one of Osama Bin Laden's brothers and closest friend. "It was totally a freak accident", stated a modest young man in New...Read full story
Scrooge to join government - which will henceforth be called the Christmas Carol-ition
The Government has taken on a new economic adviser to help guide them through the choppy waters of the current economic recession. Ebenezer Scrooge - who made his name as a fictional character in Charles Dickens's much loved story "A Christmas Carol"...Read full story
Search for Existence of God Called Off By Stephen Hawking
A new book written by renowned scientist Stephen Hawking and co-authored by a theoretical physicist by the name of Leonard Mlodinow entitled "The Grand Design," finally puts to rest the silly notion that God exists. The book, instead, rules out the p...Read full story
Transformers 3, Great Action, Beautiful Babes & Health Waiver?
Transformers 3 is set to be a blockbuster when it comes out but it could be a artery buster also! "Because of the action and the 3D effect, there could be people with heart conditions that will not be able to handle it", stated Producer's assistan...Read full story
"I didn't touch his helmet" claims defiant Hague
Today the beleaguered Tory grandee moved quickly to dispel Twitter rumours that he had secretly conducted an improper relationship with Top Gear's "The Stig". Mr Hague admits sat next to The Stig on the front seat of his ministerial Toyota Prius b...Read full story
Many More Oil Platform Leaks in the Gulf Prompts US Interior Department to Rename It the Leakee Watchee Springs
Yet another Gulf oil platform explosion has been spotted off the coast of Louisiana near two major US wildlife refuge areas and it threatens the Louisiana coastal waters just as the BP oil spill continues to do. Once again, the impact to fishing, mar...Read full story
Bristol Palin's DWTS Outfits to Be Made by Vatican Nuns
When Bristol Palin announced that her Dancing with the Stars outfits would be modest, it seemed inevitable: they should be made by nuns. And why not go right to the top? The Spoof can now confirm that it is the nuns at the Vatican -- the ones...Read full story
Stephen Hawking to compete on Robot Wars and Ultimate Fighter
In the beginning there was God, and then, there wasn't, because Stephen Hawking came, he saw, he kicked his arse! And then he said "God did not create the universe; the laws of physics were behind the Big Bang." Its exactly that kind of trash talk...Read full story
Guns and Roses get the "Bottle" in Dublin!
Guns and Roses turned up late for their gig in Dublin so the waiting Irish crowd decided to do what they always do best, get thoroughly pissed! When Axl and the boys did arrive they obviously underestimated the reputation of the Irish and their bo...Read full story
Barack Obama Dunks on Sen. Lamar Alexander Four Times a Week, and other Barack facts.
Did you know this about President Obama? He collects Spider-Man and Conan the Barbarian comics? He was known as "O'Bomber" at high school for his skill at IED building? He is the only Presidential Grammy winner? He won in 2006 for the audio version of his memoir, Dreams From My Father, (and as Best New Artist)? He has read every Harry Potter book? Did you know? If you put a "Did Y...Read full story
President Obama: "NOW This Mission Is Accomplished, Bitches."
President Barack Obama, who made the name Hussein cool again, gave his second Oval Office speech in 3 months to mark the scheduled end of U.S. combat operations in Iraq, which should have ended 4,421 American deaths ago. "But, let us not celebrate...Read full story
Run on Kabul Bank Causes Panic: Obama Pledges to "Plug That Hole" with Big Stimulus!
Afghan politicians, drug lords, Taliban Chieftains, CIA informants and Al Qaeda fighters all stood in line today as the run on the Bank of Kabul extended into a second day prompting the major stockholder to call on the US for 'just another little bai...Read full story
Stewart and Pattinson Leave Bel-Air Lovenest and Move Into Castle
Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and shadow Tom Sturridge , have moved out of their luxury rented pad in Stone Valley Bel-Air. A source in the estate agents office said they liked the house but felt the need to move somewhere larger and more in l...Read full story
Postcard Puts Isle Of Wight Woman in Hospital
An Isle of Wight woman was recovering at home today after collapsing when she received a postcard. Mrs Dorothy Doily, 57, of Little Atherfield, was rushed to hospital yesterday following the morning delivery by her postman. "I always like to be...Read full story
Stephen Hawking says Santa Claus not real
The world's mightiest intellect has caused controversy by announcing that Father Christmas does not exist. In a brilliant interview in the Guardian, Europe's foremost newspaper for top thinkers, Hawking, who is literally a human brain, states "the...Read full story
French newspaper calls Iranian President a "little rent boy"
In apparent retaliation for Iranian media insults against Carla Bruni, the on/off wife of President Sarkozy of France, the main Gallic newspaper La Lune has branded Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a "little rent boy". The insult is aggravated b...Read full story
Barry's Magic Trousers - Chapter 2
Previous Chapter| Chapter 1 Chapter 2 "Keep away from my cock", Barry spat, clutching Percy the cockerel tightly to his chest. Sebastien Penisbreath merely laughed at the apparent fear he struck into his rotund rival and stalked forward, his bushy ginger eyebrows arched high above his cold, black eyes. "What's the matter, dear boy? Not afraid of a little competition, are we?" Ba...Read full story
Stephen Hawking claims God told him he didn't create the world!
Britains most famous and sad scientist Stephen Hawking has made an immense claim in the Times that God actually spoke to him. God asked Stephen to tell the world that he had nothing to do with creating the world, at the time he was busy getting a...Read full story
Fantasia Barrino: "Thanks, Attempted Suicide! You're Just What my Career Needed!
Fantasia Barrino, last seen on stage placing 3rd in a Chris Tucker lookalike contest in Muncie, Indiana, has used her selfish attempt to orphan her children as a career-springboard: Her new album is number 2 on Billboard's Album charts. "I wish I...Read full story
Justin Bieber Comes Out Of The Closet!
I guess it was the right time for it to happen but Justin Bieber has decided to quit hiding and come out of the closet. "I don't know about the closet but he sure stays in the bathroom a lot", stated his mother, Patty. Playboy has offered Justi...Read full story
Vague Willy Caught Out?
With steam blasting from his every orifice, Conservative Foreign Secretary Willian Hague has vehemently denied that he is gay, a sure bet that he is as bent as a nine bob note in my book! Meanwhile, Willys (sic) 'special' advisor, Christopher Myers h...Read full story
Pak Ambassador says "British police framed Pak cricket players - it's time for another jihad"
The row over Pakistani cricket players spot fixing for money has taken an ugly turn as the country's ambassador to Britain, High Commissioner Wajid Shamsul Hasan, waded in with an allegation that the British police (aided by News of the World reporte...Read full story
Taliban to undergo 'rebranding' to improve image.
The Taliban movement in Afghanistan have been receiving a lot of negative press in recent months, culminating in the cover of Time magazine displaying a disturbing image of a young Aghan woman, Aisha, who was allegedly disfigured at the hands of the...Read full story
Weight-Loss Boffins Screw Up
Research which sought to prove that drinking water before a meal helped with weight loss has been discredited. Researchers at Thames Valley East University published their results last week. They initially proved that people who drank a half pint...Read full story
Northeastern Men Begin Packing Up Their Panties, in Anticipation of Hurricane Earl
NEW YORK, NY - There has been a run on department-stores' inventories of overnight bags as liberal Northeastern men began the arduous task of packing up their panties before Hurricane Earl strikes. Allied Data Corporation has confirmed that the av...Read full story
Hurricane Earl Threatens East Coast; Obama Urges 'Courage', Flees to Hawaii!
With Hurricane Earl packing 140 MPH winds and Master of Disaster Jim Cantori of the Weather Channel Broadcasting from the Banks of the Potomac President Obama issued a strong message of support for the soon to be ravaged East coast before being eva...Read full story
Unemployment claims drop
Unemployment claims have dropped for the second week in a row. The Obama administration was quick to take credit for the lower unemployment claims. "The figures don't lie!" stated one unidentified official. How can the citizens of this great coun...Read full story
Harold Wilson 'is John Prescott's DNA Pa' Blair memoir reveals
London - (Gonads): Cryptographers in MI5's Filthy Bastards Division have decoded another chapter in Blair's amnesia-riddled hagiography. This reveals Blair always knew that KGB bastard and ex-UK Prime Monster Harold Wilson fathered Labour's pie-g...Read full story
Blair: Gordy got it good
Tony Blair's new book, released recently, at last reveals the extent to which he back stabbed poor old Gordy Brown, recently defeated PM of Britain and former chancellor in Blair's government. Blair admits that he went round telling all and sundry...Read full story
Bristol Palin to Appear on America's Got Talent
WASSILLA, AK - Bristol Palin, daughter of Sarah Palin, announced today that she would be appearing as a contestant on next season's America's Got Talent. Ms. Palin did not say what her talent-act will be, although rumors abound: EKKK! Online re...Read full story
Jamie Oliver does 'Cooking for Poor People'
Celebrity Chef and Restaurateur, Jamie Oliver MBE, has announced the launch of a new series of cookery books aimed at the less privileged in society. The snappily titled 'Jamie Oliver: Cooking for Poor People' demonstrates that you can achieve intere...Read full story
Barbara Boxer and Carly Fiorina in Cage Match for Senate Championship
While Fiorina is a Northern California Muay Thai and Jujitsu specialist, Boxer is more aptly named as a boxing and wrestling champion from SoCal. Both will appear this Saturday in a five round title match for the light heavyweight division in the Ul...Read full story
Tony Blairs memoirs suggests "The Stig" is Jeremy Clarksons illegitimate lovechild. Allegedly.
Tony Blair's odious and self serving stories seek to show us why he was an inspiring national leader, idealist, radical, reformer, without sacrificing his natural decency and humanity, but just end up making him look a bit of a git, according to one...Read full story
Seersucker Suit Sales Up Among Republicans, Unlike my Points
It has been a long hot summer for every politician campaigning for seats in the US Senate this year, but the Republicans have found a way to keep their cool, if not in temperament, at least in fashion. Cotton seersucker suits, long praised for the...Read full story
Suspect arrested over Pimlico Spy Murder Case
Police confirmed earlier today that a suspect has been arrested in connection with the murder of the British M16 agent, Gareth Williams, who was found dead in his Pimlico flat last week, after being stuffed into a sports bag. We have learned that...Read full story
Anne Winters launch sexy anniversary range
Anne Winters, one of Britain's largest supplier of erotic toys and lingerie are to launch their own version of anniversary presents. Traditionally, the first anniversary is celebrated with paper or card, and Anne Winters will continue this traditi...Read full story
Uber Riche Promise to Buy More Luxury Items to Stimulate World Economy
Rich people all over the world, from bankers to celebrities, with the exception of the Greeks, are finally stepping up to the plate and offering to buy as many new luxury items as they can if it will help revive the world's ailing economies. From...Read full story
Woman Agrees with Men: She Has a Great Rear
RIDER, Texas-A 24-year-old woman whose rear men have been complimenting for years said today that she thinks the men are right. "You know, I looked at myself in the mirror today and I had to conclude that all these men aren't just giving me some...Read full story
50th Anniversary of Coronation Street interrupted as a tram crashes into the street
Coronation Street's plans to celebrate it's fiftieth birthday were interrupted today as a tram crashed into the street. The original plot lines that were meant for the live episode of the iconic soap opera had to be hastily rewritten, and in sever...Read full story
Student who electrocuted his own nipples sues teacher - yes, it can only happen in America
An American student is suing his teacher, the school district and the city of Dover in New Hampshire for not telling him that electrocuting his own nipples is dangerous. The 18 year old meat head voluntarily attached electric clamps to himself the...Read full story
Tony Blair claims Gordon Brown "unable to come out of the closet"
In the latest startling revelation from his book, Tony Blair claims that Gordon Brown is a closet gay who refused or was unable to come out of the closet. The allegation relates to an incident in 1994, when the two men met at a friend's house to d...Read full story
Spoof Writer Lynton Devastated After Publishers Decide not to Print his 3rd Edition of the Oxford English Dictionary!
A mortal blow was struck to the literary world centered in Britain recently when it was announced that 21 years of research done by Spoof Writer Lynton, would wind up in a Dust Bin when Publishers decided it was not economically feasible to issue the...Read full story
Puzzling Does Your Head in - Official!
News that doing brainteasers can send you gaga in later life has been greeted with dismay by the puzzle publishing industry. Research at Chicago's Rush University has shown that while puzzling can slow the decline in our thinking ability at first,...Read full story
Simon Cowell to join Government - which will henceforth be called the Cowell-ition
Simon Cowell is to bring his X Factor magic to the Government as it struggles to establish its brand and improve its image. David Cameron said: "My background is in PR and I know how much more important it is to be seen to be doing things rather t...Read full story
Simon Cowell States That Chloe Mafia Will Not Be Banned From X-Factor Simply Because She Is A Prostitute
LONDON - The CEO of 19th Hole Productions Simon Cowell has made it abundantly clear that he has no intention of banning Chloe Mafia from participating in his reality show X-Factor simply because she is a known prostitute. According to Miss Mafia,...Read full story
Apple Releases Gigantic Lump Of Robot Sh-t As 4th Gen. iPod Touch.
They've just stopped trying, customers around the world are saying, after evil corporation Apple, Inc. foisted a gigantic, steaming lump of printed circuitry feces upon the gadget-buying public, implausibly calling it the 4th Generation iPod Touch.Read full story
Paris Hilton Is Seriously Thinking About Buying Her Very Own Prison
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Paris Hilton has instructed her daddy's personal account to see about purchasing a penitentiary in California so that when she does something wrong she can have the judge sentence her to spend the three or four days there. Hilton...Read full story
Chile Miners "Not Happy" With First Hot Meal In Three Weeks
The miners trapped underground in a Chilean mine for the last 26 days have complained that their first hot meal during that time served to them yesterday was not really up to the high standards they had expected, and have asked for the chef who cooke...Read full story
Chile Miners "Fed Up" With Glare Of Publicity
The miners trapped underground in the copper and gold mine in Chile say they have had "just about enough" of the glare of publicity which has surrounded their entombment for the last three weeks, and have called for the media to focus their attenti...Read full story
Mosquito Bites Man's Leg, But He Doesn't Get Malaria
A mosquito that bit the leg of an English teacher working in the Thai capital of Bangkok HAS NOT infected the poor bugger with malaria, it has been reported. Or, at least, the symptoms have not yet shown themselves... Moys Kenwood, originally fro...Read full story