Powerful New US Weapons System Revealed

Written by kslaught

Wednesday, 22 September 2010


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Powerful New US Weapons System Revealed
Little Deek is only six inches long

News of a top-secret Pentagon project, code named Little Deek has been leaked. First proposed by scientists Larry Little and John Deek, the new project rivals the Manhattan Project in scope.

The goal of the Manhattan Project, if you recall, was to produce the ultimate weapon, the atomic bomb, which would deliver destruction on the largest scale possible. Little Deek will be the new perfect weapon, but on the smallest scale possible.

"Picture a tiny piece of artificial intelligence, the size of a small bullet," we were told by an anonymous source. "This intelligence would be guided by the most powerful GPS in the world, equipped with sophisticated sensory devices, and capable of delivering a lethal blow to anyone, anywhere, in the world."

"Currently, the President of the United States has limited options for effecting regime change in a country like Iran. He can order a full scale invasion, as we saw in Iraq, but the costs are staggering. He can turn the job over to the CIA, but regime change is a very difficult mission for the CIA to carry out, and doesn't always succeed."

"With this new weapon, the President of the United States could order a 'hit' on anyone, anytime, anywhere in the world. No American casualties, no messy publicity.

The President would become the the ultimate God Father. He could assassinate Ahmadinejad, for example, just by giving the order. Total world management would all of a sudden be a reality, not just a dream.

"Or world domination? " I asked nervously.

"We don't use the "D" word around here; it has too many negative connotations. We are the last, greatest hope for the world. This will make it possible for America to actually do the job history has assigned to us. Exciting times."

When I asked if Congress might object to so much power being concentrated in the office of the President, our informant brushed the argument aside. "Managing Congress is fairly easy," he said, "because we have something they desperately need: good paying American jobs that can't be outsourced. If a Congressman starts howling about constitutional issues, or suddenly becomes frugal and wants to cut the defense budget, we toss a few more jobs his way. We give him (or her) a nice "national defense" message to use, and try to maintain a healthy climate of fear so that the message will play well on Main Street. Everyone is happy.

The important thing for us is to spread the wealth around to different states. Once a state becomes invested in Defense jobs, its Congressional representatives defend those jobs like pit bulls. It doesn't matter what their positions are on other matters. It's a pretty good system, really. Nothing gets canceled and it's easy to add new programs. We have the biggest line item in the federal budget, supported by the twin towers of jobs and national defense. It's untouchable."

The project almost came to light briefly a year ago, due to the unfortunate publicity surrounding the 'Slaughter missile'. The Slaughter missile, an early prototype, apparently turned on its creator for some unknown reason, and had to be destroyed. Sources suspect that some sort of 'pacifist virus' was involved, or that the unit was just confused about its purpose in life. At any rate, it shouted obscenities at its creator and chased him around the Pentagon, threatening to kill him. Presumably the Pacifist Virus prevented the unit from carrying out its threat. Someone finally destroyed it with a laser.

The entire Slaughter project would have been canceled, were it not for the courageous efforts of a few congressmen in whose districts the miniature missiles were (and still are) being manufactured.

"Rather than throwing the "baby" out with the bathwater," they argued, "let's continue funding the promising field of Artificial Intelligence Psychology, and get to the root of the problem. We have excellent research laboratories in our states which could perform this important national security work. Let's not give in to the terrorists!"

The tiny missiles, about the size of sex organs, are designed to be almost as intelligent as human beings, but totally devoid of survival instincts or any other human emotion. This is especially important, because, ultimately, the weapon has to destroy itself in order to destroy its target.

One of the more controversial aspects of the plan is the proposal to train an elite corps of officers to command these little 'killing' machines. They would work in Remote War Rooms, fully equipped, like Officer's Clubs. Large screen TV's are envisioned, so that the officers could watch sporting events, such as football games, during their considerable "down time". "It is still psychologically difficult to kill someone, even at a great distance," said one Army psychologist. "The officers might as well be comfortable." Alcohol will not be served at these establishments. Rumors are circulating, however, about plans to hire nude dancing girls to entertain the troops. There is a certain appeal in the idea of eliminating a High Value Target with a weapon that looks like a penis, while enjoying a lap dance at the same time.

"These rumors could kill the entire project," according to one concerned officer. "There is a lot of principled moral opposition in this country to nudity. We don't want the 'moral majority' to get up in arms."

Old timers disagree with making killing so comfortable. "Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, one said, "but I really believe these soldiers must be trained to behave as if they were actually 'there' in person. I am concerned about the possibility of an officer watching the Ohio State - Michigan game on one screen, and an assassination on the other. We are concerned about the soldier's focus. The business of the nation must always come first. "

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more