Montana Republicans Assume The Position: Don't Go There Girlfriend, Especially All You Guys

Funny story written by John Peurach

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

image for Montana Republicans Assume The Position: Don't Go There Girlfriend, Especially All You Guys
ONE SIZE FITS ALL: Once again, good old fashioned hate never goes out of style.

As far as the Montana Republican Party is concerned, if it ain't brokeback, there's no need to fix it. If, on the other hand, that's your particular side saddle of choice, then, according to the current platform of that state's Grand Old Party, it's best that you either stay away, or just keep on moving to someplace elsewhere. As it seems your kind is, at present, still viewed as very much illegal. And thus, would appear to not be all that welcome inside the borders of the, apparently, anything but hospitable, Big Sky country.

In other words, Montana, ever the rearview minded non-trendsetter, appears to now be one of the few states in the union where a still prevailing so-called legitimate participating political party seems all the way willing to come out in the open to express the rather un-closeted views of many of its apparently less than enlightened constituents.

Ahhhh, so what else is new?

"For many, that would seem to be enough." said Blaine Pomoroy, Acting Chairperson of the Mountain West Gay and Lesbian Alliance, who, while hiding out at a Motel 6 in beautiful downtown Jackalope, North Dakota (20 feet from the town's only street light and a good foot and a half from a rather thriving tattoo parlor that, for now, doubles as the county's one remaining public library - as soon as "Clear and Present Danger" by Tom Clancy is returned), had plenty to say with regards to the ever-growing debate between gays and straights. "Since it now appears that such a hot and bothered position against the rights of gay citizens has been, if not a significant portion of the Montana Republican party's official platform for some time now, then, at least a go-to point on their day to day menu - accent on "men," along with the usual rest of y-o-U know who - ever since the laws against homosexuality were, for them anyway, inconveniently struck down by the Montana Supreme Court back in 1997."

All of which means that as far as proposed platforms go these days, this one is indeed a tricky one. In that because it is so out there, just waiting for those, in either camp, who feel, or desire to act or not act likewise, to either rise up, cower away, or perhaps be so moved by both a whim and a prayer to, in effect, wind up being an overall blending of the two distinctly polarizing passions. And by doing so, ultimately create, not exactly a canceling out effect, as much as a subtraction by addition sub-set, to what is, in effect, yet one more big problem out there that refuses to go away without first creating a five-alarm stink all across the board.

"Sort of like Palin, only with better hair, and, for the most part, a much more inventive wardrobe, at least from the puddin' pie up," said comedian Margaret Cho, during a slight bit of down time following her first appearance on ABC's all new and improved "Dancing With the Stars." "Oooooh, did I just say that? Oh well, I suppose I did. And, as much as I'd like to say it again, I probably shouldn't since, well, you know, her kid is here. (Bristol Palin is also a contestant on DWTS this season.) Plus, since I'm returning home, so to speak, to where my sitcom died a quick death years ago, way before I ever knew what was up, or who even put it there, I figured this time around maybe I'll get a bathrobe that fits instead of one with just a cool place to stick the knife in my back."

Ms. Cho went on to say that even though she has previously only been in Montana long enough to get a flat tire and help Calista Flockart find someone to iron a shirt, she did find the vibes in the place not exactly to her liking. Consequently, she's not expecting much of a favorable response from anyone up in (literally) that neck of the woods, with regards to her, not exactly smooth, attempts to high step her way back into the hearts of whoever it is in America that apparently tunes into such weekly human-like train wrecks on the once-proud, extremely old fashioned TV networks.

Nevertheless, the collateral fallout from the Montana anti-gay stance continues to unfold accordingly, with, it seems, never a breath in between another point that, although, extremely thought out, sad to say seems, more often than not, to be seldom heard like most out there discouraging words.

"Primarily because," continued Pomoroy, while trying hard not to bust out in tears during his otherwise quickly evaporating attempt to enjoy the final episode of his favorite soap opera, "As The World Turns," "to be so preoccupied, on either side of the coin, by the establishment of such a mean spirited position, and its hoped for ultimate across the board implementation, would seem to suggest that when all is said and done, it's not just all about somebody's - I'm not saying who's - rock being already well into a totally less than fun hard place, where, for now anyway, seemingly way too many, it would appear, remain overly concerned about any sort of sharper than usual stick headed apparently towards anywhere, but the already partly cloudy, with a chance of highly intolerant, theological-based fury showers, eye of the beholder, and it's definitely not just about the journey, as much as it is all about the yellow brick road, so to speak. Which, to me anyway, is something a whole lot more menacing. And well, speaking for myself - which I do more out of habit, than by any sort of carefully designed means in which to purposely restrict myself - as far as what is being discussed here, I do not have anymore boo-hoo tears up my sleeve waiting to join the forever parade of what has already been allowed to drip out so far, or, in fact, has yet to arrive in a rush of a gush at this or any future point in such an ongoing and totally outrageous, unnecessary dance marathon."

And well, again, so what else is new?

"In other words, heteros being heteros," said Rep. Frank Barney (R-Butte), during a rare moment when he wasn't busy sending apology e-mails to fellow Montanaians who he's in almost daily contact with via a Facebook page dedicated to Douglas Sirks mid-fifties May-December weep fest, "All That Heaven Allows", "for some reason they - the still predominate purveyors of such an outlandish position - can't help but feel entitled to gang up when and wherever they can in order to make their particular brand of anything but bi-laws become the prevailing order, if not quite ever the lay of the someone's (I guess all theirs, apparently) land."

Consequently, this rather noticeable platform plank has and shall remain still on the books and in the hearts and minds of Montana republicans until further notice.

"Or, until, 'Glee' officially becomes our national visual anthem pastime, other than, of course, Pro Football," cautioned Barney. "Which, when broken down into the indirect parts of its ultimate sum, is pound for pound much more gay-friendly than most of the knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing sporting public would willingly like to admit, or reasonably confess to without having first downed a couple of drinks, and hopefully received a respectful enough guarantee that no one's supposedly forward thinking interactions will hurt them during the transitional exchange of whatever thoughts, notions, and or ideas of sorts might, in fact, help contribute to whatever particular slant might be required to both undo and, in the end, re-establish the overall way of all things before too many changes occur, or tides come home to roost. I know that's a mouthful, but I'm just programmed that way, I guess. And, from what I've been told, one of the main reasons, besides my ability to sound just like Kathleen Turner, why I was elected in a landslide."

Meanwhile, in response to persistent inquires, no one within the higher echelon of the current Montana Republican would make a statement, or go anywhere close to being on the record, with regards to this issue, except of course, Rev. Jimmy Bobby Clifton, the former rodeo clown who currently is the Mayor of Malta, Montana, who, in his spare time (as if) collects unclaimed hate mail from numerous post offices throughout the northeast plains area of the state and reads them to a growing regional audience on his Sunday morning radio show, "Among Many, Am I."

"As much as some may think it odd, that this is still an issue, believe me, it's not any of us who insist on making it into one," said Rev. Clifton, while officiating at a weigh-in of obese pre-school students headed for Weekend Prayer Camp at Lake Bowdoin. "At least not after we got the ball rolling, so to speak, in the first place, that is. But, then that's, if not the nature of the beast, then just the way someone's cookie was meant to crumble. Sad, true, and well, what can you do?"

You mean, other than make your complaints heard above the snore of the in state masses? Ahh, not much.

"They, like most, if not all, of the essentially silent supporters of such a gutless exclusionary tactic, have buttoned their lips," said Barney. "No doubt in an attempt to ward off any retaliatory measures that might prove to be either embarrassing, or too difficult to explain to their children and loved ones not yet familiar with the tactics often employed by those who have consistently felt the pain and sting of being excluded in the past."

"In other words, it ain't over until Bob Fosse says so!" warned Barney, while suddenly in a frantic search for his lucky Eleanor Powell tap shoes. "The fact that the Tony, Oscar, Emmy-Award winning director/choreographer genius is, sad to say, long since dead, only makes any soon to be forthcoming show-stopping pizzazz, that much more entertaining, if not harder to describe to anything less than fully committed fellow travelers."

All of which, may or may not be another story, just waiting for Camille Paglia and/or Mario Cantone to weigh all the way in on. But, for now, it will just have to do, as in, the usual wait to see what we shall see. That is, until whatever may ultimately be necessary, if and when it ever does come to that point in real life time that this key part of the proposed misguided agenda of the Republicans becomes anything more than the so far all for show phantom real deal, that, thank God, nobody has been unreasonably brave and/or stupid enough to actually act upon. On the simple grounds that to do so would open up too big of a nerve to go unnoticed by those who insist on doing such things. And, consequently draw a sizable amount of, necessary - yes, enjoyable - no, attention. Some of it good. Some of it bad. But, all of it all the time, and then some.

And, for some, a little bit more than that.

"And well, I don't know about you," said Pomory, for a moment caught looking quizzically at both of his wrists, "but if you ask me, and you did, didn't you? I can't remember. Oh well, it doesn't matter. What does matters, as far as I can see, is that we've already lost too many daytime soaps, as is, or rather, till now so far. First, "Loving" and "Ryan's Hope - oh, I loved that one - and then "Generations" - that wasn't one of mine, but since I knew it was on, I always thought it could be if I wanted it to be. And, well, even before that, there was "Santa Barbara," always a favorite, especially Karen Moncfrieff, as Cassie, if I remember correctly. And then going way back even further to "The Edge of Night," "The Secret Storm," and "Search For Tomorrow." Those I watched with my aunts when I was a mere lad, as opposed to a come here, lad. But even then, I knew something was going on that I knew was important that, for the most part didn't include me in any of its plans. And, well…….Hello??? And now, all the P & G ones, they're gone, too. First "Another World," then "Guiding Light," and now, "As The World Turns." And let me tell you, that hurts! Flash! Apparently official, my ass. This is just not right."

Ahhh, ok.

Anyway, while waiting for the authorities to arrive, even more sideline sympathizes from either side of the aisle had a few last words to offer up in hopes that at least someone might be able to reset the overall mood back to where all could hopefully agree to disagree, but without the nicks and cuts of a blade.

"Should such an outlandish view of well-meaning citizens, who always tend to vote in highly coordinated blocs, be taken out of the platform? Absolutely," said Sen. Buster Buggerman (R-Red Lodge) while attending the Annual Sod Buster Rodeo Hoedown in Billings. "Does anyone seriously think we should be setting in motion a policy that would have us arresting a handful of folks who seem determined to willingly participate in "homosexual acts" that others, not of that particular somewhere out there elsewhere ilk, tend to find themselves involved with at some point or another in the meantime in between, despite their claims that they are indeed just heterosexuals in sheep's clothing, out to see what all the fuss was about, without having to actually sign over the farm, or possess the state of mind needed to bring the cows home after plowing the back forty, so to speak? Well, if so, then, check, please! No doubt about it, somebody needs another hat!"

"As far as we see it, we definitely don't want to ask, but still want to do most if not all the telling," said Rev. Clifton. "That's our otherwise ongoing nutshell, and, what can I say, it's ever-so simply as simple as that."

Meanwhile, despite the ever-growing feeling by many in the Gay and Lesbian community that Montana may only be large enough (or, in any way but the obvious, willing) to reasonably handle just one Little Big Horn, there just might be reason (if not room) for one more on the horizon. Especially, if as might now someday be expected, Republicans ever finally have their way to further turn back the tide of gay acceptance nationwide and officially make homosexuality a criminal offense.

Such an event, it is believed now (in more than just a few inner circles) would seem to tap into enough of the forever dueling schools of reactionary thought, currently being stirred up among those in the remaining other 49 United States, perfectly willing it seems to make the eventual would-be passage of just such an obvious anti-gay political plank the altogether necessary tipping point that would all too quickly bring each of those on either side with a noisier than thou axe to grind, all the way out west to rally up the troops, circle the wagons, and make an even bigger mountain out of the till now somewhat under the radar mole hill.

Still, if enough like-minded folks with hate in their hearts and the proper amount of pissed-offness on their side mosy in as expected, that would leave plenty of prime land back in the various hinterlands from whence they came.

All of which would then be up for grabs for even more fun and frolic-like times in the good old U of SA. And, no doubt, wider open territory than usual for even more heated debates that, for better or worse, can't help but be summed up in the shoot from the lip words of the too good to be untrue Rev. Clifton, "Look, sure there's two sides to every coin, but the one we've found it necessary to align ourselves behind is one that specifically rejects the homosexual lifestyle, and will do anything, although not too much out of the ordinary, to guarantee that those who do, shall never get their way, not on our watch. And thus, they, with respect to anything close to what is commonly referred to as "Gay Marriage," will, in the end, for now and forever, be categorically denied the chance to be as thoroughly miserable as any and all reasonably unaware self-respecting heterosexuals can be, and generally is as in are on a more or less (accent on more) regular-like basis, even on a good day that can't help but forever get even that much more worse. So help me, Montgomery Clift. I mean, God."

In still other words, if you say so, then it must be.

And, oh yeah, so it slides.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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