Local Man Perturbed By Tila Tequila
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, found himself in a serious state of perturbation last night as he settled down to watch a little TV before retiring to bed. Shuttlecock unwittingly became aware of a TV show entitled, 'A Shot At Love With Tila Tequil...Read full story
Dog the Bounty Hunter on Call in Case Lindsay Lohan Jumps Bail
Dog the Bounty Hunter, the bail bondsman from Hawaii and sometimes Colorado has been put on high alert that his services may be needed in Los Angeles in case Lindsay Lohan decides to jump bail. Lohan is scheduled to appear in court later this week fo...Read full story
Lindsay Lohan Seeks Trial Delay Due to 'Runny Nose!"
Claiming that she's picked up some kind of bug that causes her nose 'to run', wild child Lindsay Lohan is saying she can't show up for her Friday court appearance after testing positive twice for cocaine. Close friends say the train wreck 'celebri...Read full story
Football fan apologises to footballer
A West Bromwich Albion fan has apologised to Birmingham City's Lee Bowyer after verbally abusing him during the Baggies 3-1 victory over the Blues. The incident happened after Bowyer was substituted towards the end of the match when the fan is bel...Read full story
Obama calls for "World's Most Unimaginable Punishment"
They still haven't found him, but America have threatened notorious Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden with the worst possible punishment known to man. The supposed mastermind of the 9/11 plots will be escorted onto a plane to land at Orlando Interna...Read full story
GOP Considers Palin and Tea Party a Necessary Evil
While conservative pundits continue to say that Republicans are none too pleased about some of the crazy Tea Party candidates who have gotten themselves nominated for Republican House and Senate seats this year, they still have to admit that without them, the party doesn't stand a chance in hell of taking back control of Congress. The proof is in the way we are seeing staunch old school Republi...Read full story
Charlton Heston Blumenthal says "Get your filthy paws offa my Fat Duck, you damn dirty ape"
Telly boxing host, Jim Rosenthal, has started a legal bout of fisticuffs with celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal in court over a £1,300 meal which left him seriously ill. Mr Blumenthals Obese Mallard had purchased a consignment of dodgy oysters, no...Read full story
Ten things we learned about Nick Clegg this week
1: He sang the infamous "WOOOAAAH BODYFORM" ad jingle. 2: He can do 15,000 sit-ups in a row. 3: Despite trying to get everyone to call him Big Nick,his nickname in No10 is Cleggyboy. 4: He still has 54 DVD's from LoveFilm.com still to return,including 4 full seasons of "The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air" 5: He was fooled into thinking his father was a glass of water and for 4 months,refused to wash...Read full story
Lady Gaga Will Appear At An Unusual Benefit For Gays At Portland, Maine's Snowman Tech University
PORTLAND, Maine - The singer with the redundant name Lady Gaga will be appearing on the Snowman Tech University campus in Portland to be the featured speaker at a gay rally to shed light on the problem of gays in the military not being allowed to wea...Read full story
Snooker: World's Dullest Sport
On the day when Ronnie O'Sullivan hit his tenth maximum 147 break, the game of Snooker has officially been voted as the most boring spectator sport in the world. This announcement comes just days after former World Champion Steve Davis was nominated...Read full story
Nick Clegg sees the Future
Deputy Prime Minister and Liberal Democrat leader, Nick Clegg has been looking into his crystal balls for his Party Conference. He has come up with a revelation about the future. After his amazing foresight before the election, when he declared t...Read full story
Iran banishes women to menstrual hut for Thursday's Autumn Equinox/Harvest Moon
Tehran - (Bleedin Cheek Mess): The entire Iranian female population has been banished to secure menstrual huts this Thursday. Worried mullahs have warned the Harvest Moon and Autumn Equinox will make women 'so supernaturally powerful' that they ca...Read full story
UK's largest supermarket chain, Tesco's, now sell viagra to the oldest "swingers" in town!
Tesco, Britain's largest supermarket chain, is selling viagra without prescriptions to ageing, "drooping, low-hanging" males. Tesco's stores are being invaded by desperate males hoping for a last chance to impress their partners before "having a h...Read full story
Rev. Al Sharpton Says That He Loves Sarah Palin's Tea Party 'Cause They Be Splittin' Up The GOPeePee's
HARLEM - The Rev. Al Sharpton, who is known as "The Protector of The Unprotected," offered his two cents worth at a dinner honoring Michael Vick's return to sanity. Rev. Sharpton said "Ya know sumtin y'all. I sho nuff be likin' dis Sarah Palin wom...Read full story
Stick with me, begs Clegg
On the same day that his Party Conference voted to throw out the Coalition's flagship, Education Policy, Nick Clegg was reduced to begging his Party to get behind him, it is reported. This is the man who is so attached to Cameron by a dog lead tha...Read full story
Charlie Rangle, John Conyers, Maxine Waters and Jesse Jackson Jr. Introduce Tax-Relief Legislation
WASHINGTON, DC - Charlie Rangle, John Conyers, Maxine Waters and Jesse Jackson Jr. introduced legislation to abolish sales tax on certain items, labeling the taxes "racist", "regressive" and "intolerant". The bill, entitled "Malt Liquor and Kools...Read full story
Republicans Acuse Christine O'Donnel of Being a Witch, Vow to Burn After a "Fair" Trial
Salem - In one of the most extreme right moves of the century,Karl Rove and Rush Limbaugh have captured Christine O' Donnell and transported her to stand trial for witchcraft. Rep. Mike Pence (R) of Indiana, the third-ranking Republican in the Hou...Read full story
Ode To Dengue Hemorrhagic Fever
An Ode to Dengue Hemorrhagic Fever on the Occasion of a Major Emerging Vector-borne Disease that has Acquired a Pathogenicity that Imperils Mankind Across the Globe and May Destroy Civilization as It Is Known to Us Presented in Its Entirety by the Poet Laureate on the Mundane, the Preposterous, and the Absurd: Sir Percival Blink, Esq. to His Most Excellent and Gracious Majesty, Bruce III, as...Read full story
Diabolical Bed Bug Terror Plot Revealed
In 2007, in a remote area of Amish, Amed Ben Gauly, opened a research lab, and started developing a species of bed bugs that were more resilient than current strains of bed bugs. After developing the strain in a male bed bug, his research team starte...Read full story
The world's top 10 unanswerable questions...answered!
The world has been asking the following 10 questions ever since mankind decided to abandon the caves, conquer the world and "think"! (weeellllllllll?) The only problem is nobody has been able to answer them! A "think tank" set up by the Spoof and it's slightly loony writership therefore came up with the following answers: 1. What is the meaning of life? = Fuck All 2. Is there a God? =...Read full story
Palin O'Donnell Strategy Shoot Dismemeber Curse Economy Blame Obama
People have very short memories, about the size of the world's smallest cow "Swallow." We seem to have national Alzheimer's disease. Maybe it is something in the water. In 2008 George Bush threatened that if the Congress did not immediately bail out...Read full story
Cricket: Pakistan Fixing Toss!
The latest twist in the spot-fixing saga has come today, with some accusing Pakistan of replacing the coin used for the toss with one which is double-sided. Bookmakers in India have reported huge sums of money being bet on Pakistan to win the toss in...Read full story
America gets new public holidays
"American public holidays are outdated and need to be modernised for today's America!" So proclaimed Barack Obama in a televised conference earlier this afternoon. The brand new move from the Nobel Peace Award Winner comes after Obama wanted to...Read full story
Britain withdraws from War Effort after Americans tantrum
Having spent four years guarding over the province, the British army is finally pulling out of an area of Afghanistan: effectively leaving the American soldiers alone to marshall this area. However, we can exclusively reveal the true reason behind...Read full story
Tesco Viagra. A very little, helps.
The supermarket Tesco says it is to start selling Viagra over the counter at the 'cheapest price'. As of next week, men who need a little help in the meat and two veg isle, will be able to pick up the 'put him up and stay up' pick me up pill from...Read full story
'Houdini' theory bombs in Gareth Williams death mystery probe
London - (Emotional Baggage): The MI6 cryptographer most probably died 'somewhere' in the Pimlico apartment block other than his flat before being bagged up ready for shipment. That's the latest from forensics amid a row about weekend redtops' tou...Read full story
Congress Excited About New Charity: Feed Our Wallets
Members of Congress gave glowing accolades to a newly formed charity called Feed Our Wallets. The charity, which is the brain child of Edward Pilferson, has announced in its mission statement that it exists solely for the purpose of providing US cur...Read full story
Mahmoud Anumptyjihad annoyed at western journalists getting his name wrong
Iranian President, Mahmoud Alumpyjizzbag, says that journalists who get his name wrong are poop and talk poop and have poop coming out of their mouths "why would they say that? It hurts" Said the clearly upset Bond villain. "I am trying my best t...Read full story
Rolf Harris sparks cricket feud
A slight typographic error from Rolf Harris has inadvertently increased tension between England and Australia ahead of the Ashes. The genial Aussie painter, entertainer and wobble-board player heard of the England team's injury problems, losing Gr...Read full story
Britain dumps First Past the Post System!
In light of criticism of the current voting system in the UK, top officials from Number 10 have announced a new and improved way to attract voters of all generations. The two candidates will be placed in seperate rooms for a thirty second voting s...Read full story
George Michael is a "Father Figure" inside
In a rather remarkable turn of events, news is leaking out of Highpoint Prison like a careless whisper, that George Michael has become something of a father figure to the inmates. Originally sharing a cell with a killer in Pentonville, the same ce...Read full story
The Pope's visit
During the Popes visit to the British Isles the Pope made various concessions to the Catholic crowds 1. No more boys or girls will be assaulted by priests or nuns. This will now be done by Cardinals and the above. 2. Condoms will be sold in vending machines inside churches and in School play grounds .But the Pope draws the line at fruit flavoured Johnnies 3. Women will be ordained so...Read full story
The Dallas Cowboys Lose Again - Owner Jerry Jones Tells Miles Austin To Dump Kim Kardashian
DALLAS - The Dallas Cowboys are off to an 0-2 record. They were defeated by The Chicago Bears 27-20. Immediately after the game Cowboys owner Jerry Jones called Dallas receiver Miles Austin into his spacious office. Austin walked in smiling and carrying two hot dogs. Jerry told him to leave all three things outside the door. Miles looked at him and asked, "Even my dawgs?" Austin could...Read full story
Scrotal mismanagement lands bad chav father in world record books
He was dubbed Britain's worst father after successfully inserting his penis into seven separate fat lasses with low self esteem and ejaculating, which resulted in seven more mouths to feed and drain the national purse. He then found an eighth will...Read full story
"WIB?" Team Blends Time/Space Continuum
The Cult Youtube group "Will it Blend?" has successfully blended the time/space continuum, a video which has already received more than 20 million views. The video, uploaded today, saw the Blendtec team use a strain of time and space, generously d...Read full story
Mancini signs "The Man who drew 50,000 supporters"
It's official. Roberto Mancini has responded to recent criticisms that Manchester City cannot win the Premier League by signing a brand new striker who millions of people will recognise. In light of a recent all time low turnout at the City of Man...Read full story
Pope returns to the Vatican with ten extra bags
Pope Benedict XVIIIMD has returned to Vatican City in the centre of Rome after a successful four day trip to the UK, however Scotland Yard in the UK are left wondering what happened to several important items including art-works, the Crown Jewels and...Read full story
GFC Brings Job Spike at Races
A sharp rise in attendants at local horse and greyhound meets has seen the creation of over 500 new race commentators, I can report. This rise in admission has been traced back to the current Global Financial Crisis, where more and more out of wor...Read full story
"Disease Free Pee-Pee" and "Wee-Wee" Bracelets Banned at High School
While "I [Heart] Boobie" bracelets are catching a lot of flak from adults who say their teen children shouldn't be wearing them even if it is to promote a good cause, i.e. fighting breast cancer, there are now two other bracelets that are creating a...Read full story
Somali Pirates Capture, Release Chinese Cargo Ship
DUBAI, UAE - A Chinese cargo ship was captured by Somali pirates last week off the coast of Somalia; however, unlike the German cargo ship seized days earlier and rescued by United States Marine forces, the Chinese cargo ship was released by the...Read full story
Is George Michael The New Stig?
Rumours are rife that George Michael has been signed to be The New Stig on the BBC's popular caravanning programme, Twat Gear. The show's presenters and production team were overheard discussing the move, whilst dining at the Watford Gap services...Read full story
Dancing With The Stars Comedian Margaret Cho Is Already Giving The Censors Fits
HOLLYWOOD - Several years ago rhythm and blues singer Macy Gray gave the Dancing With The Stars' censor Lars Acushnet fits as he spent most of his time with his finger on the bleep buzzer whenever Gray was speaking to host Tom Bergeron or to the judg...Read full story
World Stops Turning
Disturbing reports coming in from the English county that used to be known as Lancashire (until Thatcher broke it asunder) - the world stopped turning yesterday. Just for 90 minutes. But for one day, floods, drought, recession, global warming,...Read full story
Ashton Kutcher Says He Is Getting Tired Of Demi "The Cougar" Moore
SAN FRANCISCO - Ashton Kutcher was in town visiting one of his old gay friends when he was asked if the rumor about him getting tired of being with Demi Moore was true. Kutcher smiled and nodded yes and added that the fifteen year age difference b...Read full story
Lindsay Lohan Admits "Yes, Yes, Big Effen Deal, I Failed My Damn Drug Test!"
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Lindsay Lohan, who is now being called 'The Girl With 1,000 Chances" has admitted to Fox political commentator Bill O'Reilly that she has in fact failed yet another drug test. O'Reilly giggled as he asked, "What's the matter pret...Read full story