There were 120 spoof news stories published in April 2016. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
President Andrew ("Old Hickory") Jackson Visits NYC
When he found out he would no longer be on the front of the $20 bill, President Jackson was NOT a happy camper. St. Peter gave him a one-day earth pass (apparently the first of several), so Jackson could vent about this disappointing news. Fir...
Read full storyDead Men Don't Wear Plaid, But ...
...Apparently they DO wear sneakers. This was confirmed recently when a 1500-year-old mummy was found in Mongolia wearing what looked like -- drumroll, please -- sneakers. Yikes! Guess you're never too old to wear sneakers! The find was a boon to sneaker manufacturers who seized upon the advertising possibilities. They immediately went to work on spirited slogans, such as: -- Treat...
Read full storyMan Turns To Cannibalism During Traffic Snarl Up
A 33-year-old father of three has admitted to eating parts of his co-worker in what police have described as a 'justifiable act.' Steven Charlton and colleague Ken Moore found themselves stuck in traffic on a jam-packed I-95 twenty miles north of...
Read full storyDonald Trump Calls Kim Jong-il "Lil' Kim"
Sparking an international incident while still trying to secure the GOP nomination for president, Donald Trump called the leader of North Korea "Lil' Kim" several times in a rambling incoherent foreign policy statement, "This guy, Lil' Kim is a mania...
Read full storyTop six names not appropriate for sports arenas...
Hockey is a sport steeped in tradition. Unfortunately it's a tradition of supplying nicknames for its arenas that are way off track. Here are the top six offenders... 1.The Brink...not an official name. But used excessively during playoff season,. How would you like to be on the Brink all the time? 2. The Garden...A soft name for a brutal game... Brutal and a half if you count Knick appearan...
Read full storyObama and Putin witness Keshe's invisible spaceship
M.T. Keshe, one of the world's leading scientists, finally presented his long awaited plasma spaceship in Dubai on April 21st in front of an audience of around 500.000 international attendants. Among them was a celebrity VIP group, led by presidents...
Read full storyChristine O'Donnell To Lead Anti-masturbation Effort Under President Trump
Appearing together at a campaign rally in South Dakota, Christine O'Donnell and Donald Trump announced their futuristic vision to stop masturbation before it ever happens with a new government agency: The Department Of Pre-jack. After they unveiled t...
Read full storyGoogle upgrades self-driving cars in New York with robotic hand to give the finger.
In a late-breaking announcement, the self-driving car unit of Alphabet, Inc, parent company of Google Laboratories, stated they will outfit all new car models with a robotic hand to "give the finger" to other unmanned vehicles as well as traditional...
Read full storyEvidence Of First Transgender Toilet Found In Appalachia
BILLINGSGATE POST: Long cut off from the mainstream of American culture, it is no exaggeration to suggest that the white inhabitants of the Appalachian Mountains were transgender pioneers. Geographically isolated throughout most of their history,...
Read full storyAre You Gay or Straight?
Are You Gay but don't Know it? Maybe you don't shave twice a day, have seven girlfriends for each day of the week and have an interest in meditation?.. well this post is for you. If you are female maybe you have bigger questions in your life outside of ... "What do I do if I get pregnant?" Your REAL identity can be discerned easily. Are you really homosexual and don't know it? So homosexual in...
Read full storyKim Jon-Un Edges Out Putin for Biggest Asshole Leader Award
In an annual poll taken by Jerk Magazine, the dictator of North Korea, Kim Jong-Un, has beaten out three-time winner Vladimir Putin as the leader who was the biggest asshole in 2015. "Although there were many contenders as usual, Kim Jong-Un was the hands-down winner this year, what with his nuclear threats and missile tests and labor camps and Putin actually doing something people like this y...
Read full storyTerrorists Target Trump Tower With Stink Bomb
Donald Trump called the people who unleashed a horrible smell in Trump Tower terrorists, "These people--terrorists probably they're with ISIS, have attacked me personally because they are afraid of what I'll do to them once I'm president ." NYPD d...
Read full storyDonald Trump Sues Chinese Toilet Manufacturer For Trademark Violation
A toilet manufacturer in China goes by the name of Shenzhen Trump Industrial Co. Ltd. and claims it never heard of Donald Trump till 2015 when Trump became a US presidential candidate. Now the Chinese firm is facing a lawsuit, though legal experts...
Read full storyNever Compare The Easter Bunny To Santa - He Really Hates That!
Cabo San Lucas, Mexico - Seven-year-old Johnny Dorrey and his little sister, Brook, were on spring break vacation with their parents, at a fancy resort in Cabo this week, when they thought they saw a familiar face, sitting under a beach umbrella, enjoying the sun and surf while relaxing with a big Pina Colada. The two children couldn't believe their eyes, and they plucked up the courage to go...
Read full story10 things you didn't know about Malta
The tourist season is about to start once again but whether you're looking to visit the tiny Mediterranean islands of Malta this year or you already live there, here's some weird and wonderful things about the country we bet you didn't already know... 1. There's something fishy about the fish. Thanks to past British colonization and ruination of Malta, unlike the rest of the Mediterranean t...
Read full storyChurch of Satan Sues Led Zeppelin
Auntie Sandra Levi, High Priestess of The Church of Satan, filed a lawsuit this week alleging that rock band Led Zeppelin plagiarized the copyrighted liturgy of her church. "When they recorded the subliminal Satanic lyrics in Stairway to Heaven, t...
Read full storyNorth Korean Olympic Track Team Outruns Security to Escape Across Border
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil During the third day after their arrival at the Olympic Village, the entire North Korean track team took off on their latest trial run and never stopped until they reached a foreign border. Some went to Uruguay, some to Paragua...
Read full storyTom Snooze Quitting Scamatology To Get Back to His Roots
Clearly Criminal, FL Almost as famous as he thinks he is movie star Tom Snooze made an announcement that he was quitting the Church of Scamatology in order to spend more time with himself. "The church did a lot for me, but what I really need right...
Read full story90s TV Legend Sgt. Bash Lands New MTV Reality Show
Things are about to fire up after legendary late 90s TV robot Sergeant Bash announced his television comeback. The Robot Wars star (18) was believed to be very disappointed after he was snubbed in the BBC's upcoming reboot of the Friday night glad...
Read full storyMother Nature Claims "There is no climate change, only climate control...And I'm in control!"
Over several decades scientist have a built a near consensus on the human causes of climate change only to have the rug pulled from under them by Mother Nature herself. "Yes, it's hotter right now, but that's because I want it to be, not because t...
Read full storyRare Fuzzy Muzzy Baseball Card Found in Old Unused Crapper
A Dubuque, Iowa woman, named Chiseled Cream, came across a rare 1910 baseball card of Fuzzy Muzzy, who pitched for the St. Louis Louies. She found the card in an old unused toilet while cleaning out the basement in her 200 year old home. "Fuzzy M...
Read full storyTrump Outlines Financial Plan for Average Americans
Donald Trump, self-proclaimed financial wizard, outlined a plan he says that even average Americans can follow to attain what Trump calls "true wealth." "Of course, one wouldn't become as rich as me, but even a small, insignificant person like mos...
Read full storyHillary Caught Sexting Vladimir Putin Topless Photo Of Her Riding Camel
BILLINGSGATE POST: The Iron Curtain has been parted. The Wall has been torn down. In case you really wanted to know why Hillary Clinton didn't want anyone to read her E-mails, the cat is now out of the bag. Crack National Security investigator,...
Read full storyTrump Unveils Foreign Policy Position: Bomb Mexico And Take Their Oil
After enduring criticism for a lack of depth in foreign policy knowledge, Donald Trump has released a plan to bomb Mexico and seize their oil production facilities. Trump spoke tuesday with CNN's Anderson Cooper about the details. "I'm going t...
Read full storyDonald Trump Confuses HPV with HIV
At a news conference Sunday, Donald Trump confused HPV with HIV and insisted there was a vaccine available to prevent HIV. "Now they want to vaccinate kids as young as twelve years old for HIV, and it's like telling them it's OK to go and have sex...
Read full storyBaltimore Orioles Sign Big Foot to a 7 year 140 Million Dollar Contract
Desperate to find a starting pitcher who can get batters out, or even, "take them out", the Baltimore Orioles announced the signing of American icon, Big Foot, to a 7 year 140 million dollar contract. The imposing broad shouldered Big Foot, who st...
Read full storyTrump, the new terrorist
Listen up ISIS. There is a bigger threat these days nearer to home (the USA). While the ISIS operates in the Middle East and has only spouted threats for actual terrorism in mainland USA, there is a regime shaping up that is more terrifying than ISIS...
Read full storyDonald Trump to Buy Rights to the Element Barium and Rename it Trumpium
Science Town, USA Scientists were shocked to hear that long-time element Barium was to be renamed Trumpium. "I didn't even know you could buy the rights to an element and rename it!" spoke one prominent scientist. "It's going to be hard to get use...
Read full storyBBC World News April 2016
BARBARA: "Following the doctors' strike a man in Croydon had to have his leg removed when an ingrowing toenail turned septic. After receiving an epidural, a woman in Epping gave birth to deformed triplets. In Madrid, a man was shot dead during a botched supermarket robbery. While in Riga Latvia, a woman making an emergency phone call concerning the accidental death of her Pooch had her bag s...
Read full storyRepublican Party to Ban Science
Science Town, USA Scientists were dismayed when the Republican Party announced their objections to Science and their intentions to ban it. "Actually, I'm amazed it took them so long to try to ban it. They've never liked Science, especially basic S...
Read full storyHillary: Who Can You Goiter If You Can't Goiter Me?
BILLINGSGATE POST: Not since the bones of Congelese Prime Minister Patrice Lumumba were found in the stomach X-Rays of Kasavuba Kinshasa in 1961 has there been such an intriguing case of disappearing evidence. None other than feminist Camille P...
Read full storyDr. Ben Carson Performs Surgery on Trump's Brain
UPI: Hospital officials have confirmed that Dr. Ben Carson operated on Donald J. Trump last Thursday in the neurosurgical unit of the world's most elite hospital in Dubai, explaining the Republican frontrunner's uncharacteristic absence from the campaign trail over the past two weeks. Officials declined to offer details, but a leaked interview given by Dr. Carson to the Drudge Report-and intended...
Read full storyNew York Man Inducted Into the Alien Abduction Hall of Fame
Wayward New York guy, Donald Meanderson, was just inducted into the Alien Abduction Hall of Fame on the planet Zwinkie Meanderson, who is about as predictable as a football bouncing on the grid iron, gained his induction by predictively showing up...
Read full storyDonald Trump Is Dead
In what must be the most shockingly-horrifying news imaginable for some people in the United States of America, it has, this morning, been reported with great sadness, that an Illinois road cleaning operative, Don Trump, has been killed in a horrific...
Read full storyBatman and Superman Clones
In the aftermath after the worldwide showing of Batman vs Superman, there has been a slew of duos or partners everywhere in the face of the earth who don Batman and Superman costumes and then partner together and walk on the streets, on the beaches,...
Read full storyNational Hockey League to Ban All Teams Located in Areas With No Ice
Yellowknife, Canada In an effort to bring professional hockey back to its roots, the NHL, now relocated way up near the North Pole in the Yukon, have announced that teams that are in areas that don't have lakes that freeze or even snow can't have a h...
Read full storyAhead Of 2016 RNC Trump Trademarks "Trump Supporters Riot™"
In a shrewd business move Donald Trump has applied for trademark status for the three word phrase "Trump Supporters Riot™." Now, whenever a newspaper or website uses the phrase Trump supporters riot™, the "™" symbol must appear and...
Read full storyFlint Water Discovered to Be the Universal Solvent!
Flint, MI Scientists studying the unsatisfactory effects of the water were shocked to discover that IT WOULD DISSOLVE ANYTHING! Flint water that has been found to have 3 times the acceptable lead content and has led to an outbreak of Legionnaire's...
Read full storyCouple In Dismay After Discovering Fancy Italian Restaurant Does Not Have Endless Garlic Bread
Local couple Rob McLaughlin and Janet Edwards are celebrating their one year anniversary at Giorgio's, a high-end italian restaurant, and have just been informed by the server there is no endless garlic bread. Rob and Janet, after being seated for...
Read full storyThe Untold Story of White Sharks at the Jefferson Memorial Tidal Basin
Unbeknown to the majority of people living today, there was a time in this country's history when great white sharks proliferated the tidal basin encompassing the Thomas Jefferson Memorial in the city of Washington, DC. The story had its origins in the great nutria revolt of 1932. The story starts with the great American Depression of the 1930's when then Secretary of State, Doug Witless, who...
Read full storyYou Can Find Prince Songs on You Tube Now
Fans and music lovers were shocked to hear the news this weekend: Prince songs suddenly became available on You Tube. Yes, it's pretty startling. As we all know, Prince, the immensely popular artist who sometimes goes by Prince and sometimes The A...
Read full storyBefore Prince's death, on average, people last thought about singer 7 1/2 years ago: study
HARFOLD, Vt. - As the world mourns the death of singer Prince, who died this week due to complications following an overdose, Harfold State College has released a startling finding. Although most of the Western world has been rendered incapacitate...
Read full storyMassive Riots Follow NYPD Shooting
Race riots erupted all over New York City following the announcement that, on Tuesday morning, NYPD officers fatally shot a black Muslim man who was armed with nothing more than a stolen H-bomb. Truck driver Muhammad Baker was killed instantly in...
Read full storyFlint Michigan Residents Criticize Artists And Entrepreneurs Using And Reselling Dirty Flint Water
Flint Michigan residents are angry at what they see as blatant profiteering by water re-sellers, artists, as well as non-residents, who are all making a buck off of the city's water crisis according to critics. One target of Flint neighborhood act...
Read full storyJohnny Football's nickname revoked by NFL
After a string of immature, unprofessional and downright criminal incidents, Johnny Manziel has been stripped of his right to associate himself with football by the NFL. The infamous party animal/misogynist is now left with a gaping maw where his id...
Read full storyArgentinian Beard 1 vs Spanish beard 0
Beard lovers worldwide were glued to the Atletico Madrid vs Bayern Munich Champions League semi-final this evening, where Diego Simeone went head-to-head (or chin-to-chin) with Pep Guardiola in the most anticipated beard-off since the creation of Ami...
Read full storyHillary Will Gorilla Glue Bill's Testicles To Bed Frame
BILLINGSGATE POST: In a question and answer session yesterday, Hillary was asked by a young lady from Gilroy, California how she was going to prevent Slick Willie from having an amorous rendezvous with another nubile intern like Monica Lewinsky once...
Read full storyCameron On The New World Order
In line with the current ruling on anti-Semitism which applies also to Jews, especially Non-Zionist Jews who can think for themselves, UK Prime Minister David Cameron decreed yesterday to a packed House of Commons that "anti-Americanism" be also out...
Read full storyHillary Clinton Furious After Bill Butt-Dials Her During Sex
According to well placed sources in Hillary Clinton's 2016 campaign, she and hubby Bill have not spoken in a week since he reportedly butt dialed Hillary while he was having sex with a physical therapist at her home. The source who wishes to be an...
Read full storyPrince Harry promises Obama and his wife an after "swing" party!
Buckingham Palace have announced that lame duck President Obama and his wife are to dine with Prince Harry and his rather boring brother, Willy and his missus. Now naughty Harry purposely invited himself to the rather luxurious dinner in Kensingto...
Read full story2016 Cinco de Mayo Celebrations Go All Out In Case Of A Trump Ban
Twenty six year old Hunter Young of Boulder Colorado doubts that Donald Trump will be president in 2017, but like many in the US, he's planning to make the 2016 Cinco de Mayo celebration a blow out, just in case. Talking to a TS reporter, Young sa...
Read full storyRusty Flint Michigan Water Has Become Collectable At $50+ Per Liter
As the water in Flint Michigan has slowly improved, a cottage industry providing samples of contaminated water has sprung up with the earlier dirtiest samples going to auction on eBay where bidding starts at $50 a liter. Most listings we saw online s...
Read full storyClerk Loses White Man's Checked in Privilege
Itinerate white guy, Joey Meanderson, was innocently walking down K Street in Washington DC, eating a strip of chicken jerky when he happened upon a group of people heading into a micro aggression conference. Not paying any attention to where he was...
Read full storyObama uses 'Executive Action' to change name of Islamic State
Washington DC-President Obama used his Executive authority to officially change the name of ISIS today. With one scribble of his pen, the President declared the name of ISIS (or ISIL), should now be referred to only as 'Global Warming'. The Pre...
Read full storyMinister "Tied Up" by Relationship Revalations
John Twitingdale, Minister for Media and other sports, has been tied up with business and couldn't find time to speak to our political commentator John Witt about some of the sports he finds attractive. I was sent a missive from Twitingdale's secr...
Read full storyQueen Spots Rafael Nadal
While flipping through the April issue of GQ, (Gentleman's Quarterly) Queen Elizabeth reportedly came to a screeching stop and was heard to whistle, "Hail Mary! Who's the suit?" Then added, "He looks familiar. But he's wearing clothes. Strange, I do...
Read full storyTed Cruz Attempts to Steal Donald Trump's Thunder by Selecting Failed CEO as His VP Candidate
Washington-After a miserable showing in this week's primary elections, the Cruz campaign decided that the best way to stop a failed businessman from becoming the Republican nominee was to sign-on a failed businesswoman as his pick for Vice President.
Read full storyIs Free Pizza Making Candidates Fat?
Apparently, Ohio Governor John Kasich, running for the Republican nomination of president, is just a fellow who can't say 'no' to a platter of food anywhere or anytime. During one sitting at a New York restaurant, the governor ate: two plates of...
Read full storyElementary schoolchildren to be forced to pay for own education under the new federal "Fuck Yo Kids" initiative
A new federal law that ensures that children will no longer mooch off taxpayer money in order obtain an education at public elementary schools will take effect in 2017. The "Fuck Yo Kids" initiative will force the majority of schoolchildren in the...
Read full storyConvenience Store Owner Knocks Out Robber With Ice Cream
Aurora Colorado - Talk about an ice cream headache: convenience store owner Amadi Creeghin threw a pint of Haagen Dazs at an armed robber and knocked him out cold. Sixty year old Creeghin explained how he was able to knock the gunman out. "When I...
Read full storyHow Guccifer Hacked Hillary Using Woodpecker Code Reverse Sequence App
BILLINGSGATE POST: Guccifer, the maniacal Romanian hacker who accessed Hillary Clinton's private E-mail server, will be extradited to the United States shortly. In the April edition of The Hacker's Handbook, Guccifer describes how he first cracked...
Read full storyExcessive alcohol consumption now compulsory in Australia
A new law which became effective today makes it compulsory for all Australian adults to consume more alcohol. All adult citizens must now drink at least two litres of alcohol per day. The quota can be made up through the consumption of alcohol drinks...
Read full storyISIS Names President Obama Team Mascot
BILLINGSGATE POST: Reports that ISIS has just recently named President Obama as their ISIS Team Mascot have been confirmed. The reclusive leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and Greater Syria (ISIS) issued a dramatic SHOUTOUT to Barack Hussein...
Read full storyTrump tries to reassure liberals
Associated Press, April 1, 2016. Donald Trump today promised liberals that, if - no, when - he is elected president, they will not need to move to Canada, because he will live offshore. "I promise you that when I am President, I will not live in...
Read full storyGhost Flashes Woman at Piccadilly Circus Tube Stop
Rascally apparition, Seymour Puffinbottom, was reported to have exposed himself to a Mrs. Gawking O'Reilly at Exit number 4 of the Piccadilly Circus tube station. Dressed in only a raincoat, Mr. Puffinbottom met Mrs. O'Reilly at the top of the exit...
Read full storyIs Cancer Really That Bad?
Los Angeles, California - Firefly, produced by Joss Whedon, first aired on Fox in the September of 2002, and is wildly regarded by many to be one of the greatest Science Fiction television shows ever created, earning rank #5 in TV Guide's 2013 list o...
Read full storyObama rattles Cameron on racial equality
"The moral crusade for racial equality is ongoing here in Britain", said Obama, "I mean, you've never had a black Queen." Barack Obama's comments during his visit to the UK concerning Britain's multi-cultural record clearly flummoxed the Prime Min...
Read full storyA Day in Fairyland with Drake, Odell, & Gronk
FAIRYLAND, USA--When Edna St. Vincent Millay visited author Somerset Maugham at his South of France estate, she was flabbergasted, and reported told Maugham, "You have created Fairyland." Move over, Maugham. Odell Beckham, Jr., is not about to be...
Read full storyCanadian Ted Cruz Called Lucifer In The Flesh
While the last best hope of stopping Donald Trump's run for the White House was defined as "Lucifer in the flesh," by former House Majority leader John Boehner, Mr. Boehner added, (as though calling him 'Lucifer in the flesh' wasn't bad enough) "He'...
Read full story"You Cluckin' What, Mate?" Aussie Boffins Crack Chicken Chatter
Australian researchers have discovered that chickens are able to communicate in deep and meaningful ways. They have concluded that chickens can effectively talk to each other. Two researchers at City University in New South Wales, studied chickens...
Read full storyAustralia introduces Sharia Law
The Australian Minister for Culture and Law, Ms Marjory Daw, yesterday announced that Sharia (Islamic) Law will now be part of the Australian legal system. She added, "In response to an unprecedented demand, Sharia Law will be introduced into Austral...
Read full storyMassive rock named "the Lewandowsky" strikes Jupiter plus other developments in outer space
Scientists have named the massive rock that struck Jupiter last Monday "The Lewandowsky," after Donald Trump's campaign manager. At this time Mr. Lewandowsky has been charged with assault on reporter Michelle Fields, and there is some scientific i...
Read full storyGronk Sets Up a Dunk for Tom Brady
NEW ENGLAND--When you blow into a conch, you never know what wild animals will show up. Earlier this week Tom Brady summoned his receivers by the time-tested method that won favor in The Lord of the Flies. It was also a means to gather the media i...
Read full storyRed Sox Special Diet Plan for Pablo Sandoval
Pablo Sandoval has gone to the Disabled List. He may have gone to the dogs. He may have gone mad. In any respect, the Red Sox will not play him for at least two weeks. They are hoping his Inflate-gut will subside. The Red Sox master plan is for...
Read full storyTrump Promises Queen a New Castle if She Will Knight Him
New York, NY In talking about his foreign relations abilities, U.S. Presidential wannabe Donald Trump remarked that he could get along well with other world leaders because they probably all admire him and would want to meet him. "I'm telling Quee...
Read full storyWoman stoned to death for adultery
Yesterday, at The Grand Mosque in Canberra, Australia, a woman was stoned to death for allegedly being caught committing adultery with an unnamed man. The woman, known to us only as Sharia, was allegedly caught in a compromising situation with the ma...
Read full storyGeorge Galloway's bus is found
The disappearance of the election bus belonging to George Galloway, prospective candidate (Mad Hatter's Party) for the 2016 London Mayoral election, has been explained by one of his supporters. Popular entertainer Corbin the Clown, who is also Mr...
Read full storyIn-Depth Analysis of Kim Jong-Un: If He Has A Bad Hair Day He Launches A Missle
New revelations from servants within North Korea who served the ruling Kim family, revealed that Kim Jong-Un, rotund dictator of North Korea, launches missiles whenever he is having a bad day. This magazine did an investigation. 1. Kim Jong-Un succeeds his dad as dictator in North Korea in December of 2011. Four months later in April, the North Koreans launch a satellite that veers off course.
Read full storyPopular politician vows to take on the Wall Street "Big Money" or some crap
A local political candidate recently promised that, if elected, he'd fight those "big wall street swindlers" and maybe "take on those fat cat bankers" or "something like that." Speaking at a local gathering in front of the Piggly Wiggly, the ca...
Read full storyNot only Cameron bunkers tax free goodies in Panama!
Mostly prominent, rich and very corrupt people tend to bunker their bucks in tax havens scattered all over the planet, but there are exceptions to this rule of the elite, Jaggedone! Yes Mr Cameron, you are not alone because to avoid paying any tax...
Read full storyNorth Carolina governor signs legislation to detain and deport people that stutter!
It was a quiet and somber group of journalists his morning at the Governor's mansion in Raleigh, North Car4olina. They were informed in advance regarding the details of the event. Gov. Pat McCrory: "It is with pleasure that I am here to inform y...
Read full storyRecord rates of suicide attempts as Manchester United announce van Gaal is to stay!
To quash all rumours, tabloid garbage, and ex- United players blowing their trumpets about Louis van Gaal, probably the most hated United manager since Dave Sexton, United's board have announced their support for the rather unstable Dutch sergeant ma...
Read full storyNorth Korea to Start Using Flint Water in Their Labor Camps
Pynongyang, North Korea Kim Jong-Un, rotund dictator of North Korea, announced today that the repressive regime would start using Flint water in their labor camps. "We feel the Flint water will provide a more humane death. We have been trying to i...
Read full storyCellphone Ads Totally Confuse Rockville Man
Rockville Maryland coleopterist, Elroy Cricket, decided it was time to get a new iphone and in his endeavor he would let the world know exactly which iPhone network was the best. Unfortunately, Elroy didn't watch too much TV, until now, so he neve...
Read full storyBill Cosby Demands to Know Why His Q-Score Has Fallen So Low
Huxtable, Massachusetts Comedian Bill Cosby's lawyers have contacted the Q-Rating Co., the one that surveys people to ascertain popularity ratings of celebrities, to see why their client has fallen so low in their most recent report. "It just look...
Read full storyGeorge W. Bush to Visit Great Britain, Asks Queen to Use Her Castles
London, England George W. Bush, disgraced former President of the United States, called the Queen to see if he and his wife Laura could get some free rooms in one of the Queen's castles. Prince Philip answered and set the phone down to get the Queen.
Read full storyHillary Selects Taylor Swift as Vice-Presidential Running Mate
Washington, DC Hillary announced in her latest press conference that she had selected songstress Taylor Swift to be her running mate in the coming presidential election. "She has per finger on the pulse of what today's youth are thinking!" said H...
Read full storyVoters Warned of Lead Pencil Poisoning as They Mark Their Primary Ballots
New York - The city's Board of Elections issued an official health alert to New Yorkers voting in the presidential primaries: "Don't touch, taste or sniff the core of the pencil with which you are marking your ballot. It is really made of lead and c...
Read full storySanders: Will You Hurry Up and Indict Hillary Already?
Tonight's Democratic primaries have brought more big victories for president-in-waiting Hillary Clinton, with Bernie Sanders winning only one state, Rhode Island. Because of recent losses, the Sanders campaign has admitted that they will be undergoin...
Read full storyRed Sox & Patriots on Verge of First MLB/NFL Trade
The Fat Man won't be singing the National Anthem on Opening Day for MLB. The Red Sox announced they would not play the most overweight player of the season during the upcoming week. Pablo Sandoval apparently did win the starting job at third base...
Read full storySuperPac Will Not Play Hero This Year
Thanks to Bernie Sanders, SuperPac has become a source of ire for many democracy-loving Americans. Sanders has been adamant about not accepting money from SuperPac even after the West Coast emcee offered a guest verse on Sanders' next album, J.W.A...
Read full storySpinny McGintz's Guide to Completing AA 12-Step Program in 1 Day
Yo everybody! It's me, your good friend Spinny McGintz. I'm here to help everyone succeed in completing AA's 12 Step program in only 1 day. AA, for those who don't know, is something about alcohol, so if you don't drink a lot of alcohol or haven't been arrested for a DWI and been ordered by some asshole judge to attend AA, you've probably never heard of it. Yeah, yeah, I got caught while d...
Read full storyEditor condemned to death by beheading
In the early hours of this morning the editor of this newspaper was arrested because he permitted publication in yesterday's edition a story detailing the introduction of Sharia Law into Australia. The article was deemed to be 'offensive to Islam' by...
Read full storyPU Powers of Scamatologists
Scamatologists all over were overjoyed to have heard about new levels discovered that were superior to the OT levels, and even had the next highest alphabet lettering-PU. The PU Powers include the ability to smell really foul odors from miles away. "It's not really all that fun, in fact it's really annoying when you're in the middle of dinner and you can smell this raw sewage from miles away.
Read full storyGuns N' Roses Reunion Show Brings Celebrities You Forgot Existed
Last night in Los Angeles, Guns N' Roses played their first reunion show at the famous Troubadour. Only 500 tickets were available, and you bet the club was filled with lucky fans and celebrities you forgot existed. Lenny Kravitz made a splash whe...
Read full storyDinner with Gronk
FOXBORO-- Rob Gronkowski has started to rev up his personality for the forthcoming football season. They begin stretching and yoga this week at the Patriots camp, and it has Gronk excited, according to a new interview. You have to pick up your Gro...
Read full storyGood For Business-Bad For Business
After months of research and interviews with leading corporate executives, politicians, bankers and the clergy our economics editor at U-R-FKD magazine came up with the following simple portrait of our society and, indeed, most other societies on the planet. What really is good for society and what isn't?... is his question. The singular finding is the pervasive and shared belief that what is '...
Read full storyRepublicans to Postpone Election Until They Can Get a Candidate that Won't Lose in a Landslide
Washington, DC The Republican Party admitted that it hadn't a clue on how to get a candidate that could actually win an election for President of the U.S. With recent candidates like John McCain and Mitt Romney that have trouble carrying their home s...
Read full storyIS Concern Over 'Unradicalized' Muslims
A government report claims that hundreds, if not thousands, of Muslim youths are returning from Islamic states such as Syria in a disillusioned condition in what has become known as Unradicalization. Youths as young as 6 months old have been admit...
Read full storyOlaf the Consultant (819 - 851)
Olaf was born somewhere in East Anglia; it is not clear where. He was a schemer and a bit of a rogue, but he did have an eye for opportunity. By the time he was twenty he had reputedly sold his parents' home and made off with the family jewels. They were, in fact, more like family stones. None of them had any significant value. His father, Cedric, had only stored them in a wooden box and told stor...
Read full storyMan on death bed wins lottery and promptly Gets Hit by Meteorite
For 59 years and 121 days Lamar Astroloam spent every single day of his adult life playing the lottery. For 59 years and 121 days Lamar got nixed. So desperate to win the lottery, during his tenure on earth, Lamar had sacrificed two iphones and a l...
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