Baltimore Orioles Sign Big Foot to a 7 year 140 Million Dollar Contract

Funny story written by mikewadestr

Monday, 4 April 2016

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Desperate to find a starting pitcher who can get batters out, or even, "take them out", the Baltimore Orioles announced the signing of American icon, Big Foot, to a 7 year 140 million dollar contract.

The imposing broad shouldered Big Foot, who stands 7 feet 10 inches tall and weighs a svelte 350 pounds, was first discovered by the Orioles a week ago while he was working on the Camden Yards grounds crew.

At the time of the find, Buck Showalter and general manager Dan Duquette were standing on the first base side of the Oriole infield discussing the team's starting pitching woes while the grounds crew was working to get the field in shape for opening day. Suddenly the head of the ground's crew started harping on one particular subordinate, which lasted until he called the subordinate a "big worthless fur ball". The subordinate, who happened to be Big Foot, picked up a lingering baseball and winged it at his superior sending him flying across left field and into the seventh row of the left field seats giving his superior a nasty hang nail on his right index finger.

Upon seeing this, Showalter and Duquette locked eyes and proclaimed: "WOW".

"After seeing Big Foot knock the head crewman into the left field bleachers, Dan and I both felt that he was someone we had to explore further" proclaimed Showalter. "We put him on the mound and put a speed gun to him and clocked his fastball at 120 miles an hour. Honestly, that's pretty good. I mean, how many other guys can throw 120 miles an hour in the league? I'm sure there's not too many".

"He doesn't have any other pitches except for the fastball, but we had the guys all take a crack at him and no one could come close to hitting him, so for now he could probably get by with just the one pitch. Although he does have some control problems. He knocked out 6 guys who were sent to the hospital with pretty serious life threatening injuries. On the bright side all of those hit were not going to make the team anyway and were being sent down to the minors, so I guess their tenure here just ended a little early".

"He's, also, tough on catchers, but seeing that Big Foot can pretty much pitch every day we're going to go with 13 catchers along with 11 position players as well as Big Foot. We really don't need anyone in the bullpen with the way Big Foot pitches. We'll just turn the home bullpen into a huge whirlpool for the players on the bench".

"Heck, he's one hell of a hitter, too", continue Showalter. "We had to have a special bat made for him which weighs 8 pounds. We had him hit from both sides of the plate. From the left side he ended up hitting the warehouse out on Eutaw Street several dozen times. As a matter of fact he even broke a bunch of warehouse windows, the most memorable of which, was clerical worker Sally Angerson's, who came out and chased everyone off the field with a broom".

"So with Big Foot we feel we have increased our chances of winning the American League East".

At press time it was rumored that the Los Angeles Lakers were pursuing Big Foot's brother, Big Toe, to be the team's starting center.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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