Is Free Pizza Making Candidates Fat?

Written by K.C. Bell

Thursday, 28 April 2016

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"I can see the White House from here."

Apparently, Ohio Governor John Kasich, running for the Republican nomination of president, is just a fellow who can't say 'no' to a platter of food anywhere or anytime.

During one sitting at a New York restaurant, the governor ate: two plates of spaghetti Bolognese; a sandwich made with salami, provolone, mozzarella, pickles and hot peppers; followed by a bowl of pasta fagioli with cheese, and a bit of antipasto from someone else's plate. He looked wilted and somewhat dizzy when he stood, but was not taken away in an ambulance. He had ordered cannoli to go for dessert, presumably to eat later, or maybe away from the cameras.

Burp! Pass a large order of Tums.

Running for President of the United States requires diplomatic skills and think on your feet political smarts. Also mandatory are proper table manners and the ability to say, "No, thank you." After all, a president could be invited to Buckingham Palace.

Following a televised breakfast later the next week, Donald Trump criticized Governor Kasich for loading his fork with a pancake and, "shoving it into his mouth."


Canadian candidate Ted Cruz has had so many freebies of food he appears to have given up buttoning a single button on his jacket. The final button may have popped off and disappeared as a projectile at one of his campaign rallies. His belt, however, seems to be struggling to hold back a brimming cupcake. Reputed to be the most disliked individual in the Senate, maybe Governor Kasich could be his food taster?

Donald Trump has managed to neatly camouflage any weight issues by wearing a well-tailored cape with sleeves and buttons. It drapes elegantly and moves in waves as he maneuvers his way across the stage to a podium.

No longer seen eating or speaking on camera, Governor Kasich is doing interviews by telephone. Accused of collusion by teaming up with Ted Cruz to stop Donald Trump from reaching the required number of delegates to win on the first ballot, Kasich replied, "I don't even know what 'collusion' means."

It has nothing to do with food.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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