BARBARA: "Following the doctors' strike a man in Croydon had to have his leg removed when an ingrowing toenail turned septic.
After receiving an epidural, a woman in Epping gave birth to deformed triplets.
In Madrid, a man was shot dead during a botched supermarket robbery. While in Riga Latvia, a woman making an emergency phone call concerning the accidental death of her Pooch had her bag snatched from a phone booth.
In Calcutta a woman was set on fire by her angry husband. Foul play is not suspected.
Schillings Law Firm of London have denied anyone mentioned in the Panama Papers is a client of theirs. Meanwhile, David Cameron, with the help of Schillings and their mutual friend Judge Con Grabbit, has issued an injunction against publicizing the contents of the papers as "it would not be in the public's interest".
A tourist from Birmingham visiting Australia has gone missing and is believed to have been eaten by a crocodile. People swimming in
Australian lakes are advised to wear crocodile repellent, said a spokesman, or a suicide belt.
In a Dublin pub an elderly Irish American tourist was viciously bludgeoned to death after attempting to sing "Danny Boy" for the third time. No witnesses have come forward.
Experts say that if we leave the EU, the pound will plummet, interest rates will soar and a long recession will plunge the country into economic chaos with one out of four facing unemployment. But, we will have to see how the vote goes, for we live in one of the finest democracies in the world.
A canary belonging to the Queen Mother was successfully recaptured after firemen scaled to the roof of Buckingham Palace. Prince Charles who was last seen with the canary is still under sedation.
The Home Office has bought a cat to help it deal with its mice problem. They are calling it "Hillary".
Fifteen hundred Muslims were crushed to death during the annual pilgrimage in Mecca. The stampede is believed to have started when somebody cracked a joke about Mohammed and his many wives.
Prince William and Kate both ate curries during a recent visit to Delhi. "I have never had curry before," said Kate.
The long-running TV soap "Coronation Street" just pipped "Eastenders" for the award of the Most Demoralizing Soul-Destroying Broadcast in Television History outside of Omsk and Oslo. The presentation was made at a recent awards gala at Coventry's Masonic Lodge.
Banks all over London are to serve free cups of coffee to veteran clients in celebration of World War 11 for which the nation is still paying and is likely to go on paying for through their income tax for the next four hundred and nine years.
It is believed that England is the best place in the world to live. English people may not agree.
It is believed that the level of academic achievement in England is the highest in the world.
It is believed that Christopher Little, discoverer of Rowling and Harry Potter will receive a Papal Knighthood from Pope Francis and a broom from his ex.
It is believed Britains are the most self-disciplined, civilized, best behaved, non-deluded people on the planet.
It is believed that the highest achievements of civilization and of all cultures everywhere can be traced directly to London, most specifically Kensington and Mayfair.
It is believed that the thousand torches lit by the Queen on her 90th birthday have nothing whatever to do with the thousand points of light first mentioned by H.G. Wells, C.S. Lewis, Alice Bailey, and lately by George Bush Senior and then his son George W. Nor has it anything to do with Satan the Light Bearer, nor Amun Ra, nor the Olympic torch nor the torch of the Freemason monument known as the Statue of Liberty. Nor has it anything whatsoever to do with the illuminati, their esoteric symbolism or the cult of Freemasonry. Moreover, why didn't they play safe with ninety torches?
Vaccines are soon to be made compulsory for every child over six weeks on pain of a fine to be levied on the parents. It is not true, as some conspiracy theorists declare that this is the New World Order in action and is a diabolical scheme to implant microscopic chips in all. "Such notions are insane," said Dr. Mengele, Minster for Health. "Our primary concern is for the health of the nation."
The Health Board has declared there will be a sharp increase in the cost of anti-depressants soon and subsidized subscription drugs may soon be a thing of the past.
The House of Commons is to be outsourced to a Russian Firm Novostikins that specializes in what it calls "professional, political governance". (Pause).
Now a report just coming in. It appears that a.....sorry, I can't seem to make sense of the teleprompter.... I will have to ask my producer for help.... Richard... can you?"
Richard: "Dave can you scroll back. More contrast? Yes it is pretty clear now Barbara...
Barbara: Yes, I can make it out. I thought that was an "m".
Richard: No, it is definitely a "n" as it "neat".
Barbara: Thanks Richard... I'll just read that out again. Reports are coming in that a nuclear bomb has been dropped on North Korea and up to five hundred thousand people have been killed. We are waiting confirmation. Never a dull moment here at the BBC. Now, here is Julian with the weather:
JULIAN: "Well, those of you planning on a Spring picnic any time this week may want to think again as prolonged storms, hurricanes, snow and sleet resulting from climate changes threaten the whole of the country. People in Scotland and Northern Ireland may consider getting to hell out of there before midnight as the rapid melting of the Arctic ice floes has raised the sea level to the point where massive flooding is inevitable. Tsunamis are not to be ruled out as drifting icebergs begin to collapse.
However, London can expect one or two sunny spells before Friday... just in time for the cricket.