The Untold Story of White Sharks at the Jefferson Memorial Tidal Basin

Funny story written by mikewadestr

Saturday, 2 April 2016


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Fi fum fi, I've got a nutria to eat

Unbeknown to the majority of people living today, there was a time in this country's history when great white sharks proliferated the tidal basin encompassing the Thomas Jefferson Memorial in the city of Washington, DC. The story had its origins in the great nutria revolt of 1932.

The story starts with the great American Depression of the 1930's when then Secretary of State, Doug Witless, who was serving under Herbert Hoover, went on a secret mission to Brazil in order to seek out a clairvoyant in the jungles of Brazil who would instruct Hoover on the best methods to getting his kids to eat Brussel sprouts.

Witless was guided on his endeavor into the jungle, buy an aborigine who was a Harvard graduate with a Master's degree in Spatial Philosophy, who went by the name Jerry Astray.

Instead of bringing Witless to the Clairvoyant, Astray somehow made a wrong turn in the jungle which caused an entire 2 weeks of endless meandering. They finally stumbled upon a colony of talking nutria who were well into developing an actual atomic bomb which they claimed they were going to use to eradicate monitors who lived in the neighboring river. The monitors per se spent their time eating the nutria whenever one became available, which turned out to be a lot seeing how the nutria lived under the river banks.

Unfortunately, for the nutria, Witless and his company were on the verge of starvation and never heard the wise words of the head nutria's chief, Aualung's, lecture of how to create a nuclear fission reactor from broken Lego pieces. Instead, they simply slaughtered and ate half of them while kidnapping the rest and locking them into wooden cages. With the furs of the slain they manufactured propeller beanie caps which all of them admitted would look great on any Congressman, needless they president, himself.

Witless and his entourage took back the captured nutria to Washington without incident. They presented them to Hoover and claimed they were given to them by the clairvoyant who gave specific instructions to the president. They claimed the clairvoyant recommended the president beat his kids with a Lego assembled Neanderthal bat before feeding his kids Brussel sprouts. He, also, recommended using the surviving nutria to manufacture propeller beanie caps.

President Hoover was impressed with the propeller beanie caps, as well as all of Congress, so he commissioned Witless to create a nutria breeding farm for the purpose of providing fur for newly manufactured propeller beanie caps.

Witless hired a man who went by the name of Joe the Furrier to house, breed, slaughter, and tan the hides for the propeller beanie caps. Joe was called the Furrier not, because he prepared the furs of the nutria, more so because he was way furrier than anybody else.

Unfortunately, for Witless, Joe the Furrier was not too bright. The head nutria, who went by the name of Chief Giberson, ended talking Joe into letting them go on a holiday in which they would tour the city of Washington, DC to see the sites. During their tour, the nutria, jumped a group of police officers who were having doughnuts at the local Circle Dough and donned their uniforms and nightsticks. Disguised as cops they used their authority to commander several horse drawn buggies and rode them down to the tidal basin encompassing the Jefferson Memorial which hadn't actually been built yet but was under construction. Along the way they kidnapped several K street lawyers.

Actually the only part of the memorial which was completed was the statue of Thomas Jefferson which had been stuck onto an oak tree which grew along the tidal basin's shore while construction of the rest of the memorial was ongoing. The statue had a nutria beanie cap donned upon his head per orders from president Hoover. Although it was rumored that a number of Japanese gardeners were seen hanging about the tidal basin looking for places to plant Japanese Cherry Blossom trees.

The nutria took up residence along the basin's shore line and with help of the kidnapped lawyers gained ownership of the area through the use of squatter's rights and several thousand restraining orders.

Hoover was incensed at the turn of events but found he could do nothing legally to remove the nutria and send them back to Joe the Furrier. Joe was under such distress over the happenings that he started to worry and drink constantly which caused him to lose a lot of sleep as well as lot of fur.

Congress, also, was outraged over incident. Not so much, that the Jefferson Memoria would not be completed with two years of construction delays and overruns, but more to the fact that they would not receive their nutria beanie caps as promised by Hoover. It was this particular incident and not the great depression which lead to Hoover's abysmal ratings.

It was then a Congressman from Guam petitioned Congress to release a frenzy of white sharks into the tidal basin to take care of the nutria affliction. The Congressman from Guam had extensive experience dealing with white sharks as was displayed by his missing arms and legs

Congress unanimously enacted the resolution and accorded the congressman from Guam the budget and power to bring it to fruition.

The Congressman from Guam bought a frenzy of white sharks on Ebay at a fraction of the amount of the budget he was given. He had them shipped overnight to the tidal basin, pocketing the rest of the money. He covered his embezzlement with false expense reports, most of which were business write offs to several local bars.

Congress had the utmost faith in the sharks being able to eradicate the nutria infestation seeing that ever single shark had an advanced degree from an Ivy league university in culinary skills. Although there did seem to be a bit of debate as to whether Shark Bit U was actually an ivy league university. When this concern was presented to President Hoover he simply told them to "just shut the fuck up and put the sharks in the tidal basin".

It didn't take long for the sharks to succeed in their endeavor to eradicate the nutria. The tidal basin around the Jefferson Memorial had many bights which allowed the sharks to wallow in while waiting to bite unsuspecting nutria to swim by. The sharks were so successful, they came up with a little saying: "Hang out in a bight and you will get yourself a bite".

By the winter of 1933 most of the nutria had been wiped out, as well as the economy. The remaining nutria were too terrified to go into the tidal basin. So much so, they petitioned Congress to allow them to become economist, which during the depression, most people at the time believed was way worse than getting eaten by a white shark.

Unfortunately, once the nutria were eradicated, Congress was left dealing with the problem of the white sharks who were constantly eating tourist who were patrolling the tidal basin in paddle boats. But for Congress this problem solved itself when a carny by the name of Larry Weird Donigan offered to train the white sharks to be in one of his freak show.

Weird Donigan turned out to be an extraordinary ring master as he taught the sharks to do various tricks such as jumping through hoops, sword swallowing, and some even became trapeze artists. His most famous creation was a booth set in the water where people would pay to do such things as grabbing or kicking a rubber ball out of a white shark's mouth.

Back in the day, the people were much tougher. When someone lost an arm trying to grab the ball out of a white sharks mouth they would simply shrug and claim: "It's only a scratch". When they lost a leg trying to kick the ball out of the shark's mouth they would proclaim: "It's only a flesh wound". When someone would lose both and arm and a leg, the crowd would shout out in hilarity: "That just cost him an arm and a leg".

Weird Donigan ran his carnival until 1941 when people realized they could simply go into the armed forces and fight the axis and lose an arm and a leg without paying any money at all.

This left Congress, once again, with the problem of having to deal with the remaining white sharks. Due to the feds war on the mob, Congress did manage to help the mafia out by converting some of the sharks into loan sharks which was good for the few but unfortunately most sharks don't know how to add, only subtract.

Let's just say the answer to Congress' problem fell right onto their lap. Well actually it was on Sally Boinking's lap in the guise of a time machine operated by none other than a time traveler named Zing Zapperson who was from the year 2141.

Zing was doing work release for a cleaning company that had a contract with an entrepreneur startup which was developing time travel technology. Zing had been tried and convicted of selling sheets with the wrong laundry instructions on them. It wasn't until his customers first washed their purchase that they realized they had been short sheeted. Zing was working late one night when he overheard a joyous cheer in a room next to the room in which he was cleaning the dust off of some dead cockroaches. He stuck his ear against the door, from where the cheer had originated, and heard a group of scientist proclaiming they had finally developed a working time machine.

When the door to the scientist's room suddenly became unlatched, Zing zipped around a corner and stood silently as the scientist left to go out and celebrate. Thinking quickly, Zing ran into the room and sat in the time machine, but at first couldn't figure out where he would go and what he would do when he got there. Suddenly, Zings alter ego, who had been so instrumental in exacting Zing's current situation, appeared and told him: "You dim witted mutton head how much money do you have in your pocket?"

"Well I got 400 yaun and some change", he responded in a slow Cantonese drawl.

"Exactly! So what are you going to get with that here?" His alter ego asked.

"Dangnimity, just get a bunch of fried rice".

"Yep, now if you were to go back in time like 200 years before now, how much do you think your money would be worth?"

"400 yaun".

"No you idiot", his alto ego yelled slapping him on the forehead. "Think of inflation, think of the time value of money, think of all the things 400 yuan would have gotten you 200 years ago as compared with today".

"Well golliwillagers, I never thought of that. Well gosh darn I think I'll do that, I mean all that time value stuff just really confuses me. Hell, I never was no good at the subject of hysterectomy in school anyway so I guess you're probably right".

Okay now numnuts, set the machine back to 1941, buy a bunch of stuff with your 400 yuan and then come back and sell it as antiques on MawBay".

So Zing set the machine to 1941 and pulled the time lever and spun out of sight.

As it just so happened, the first floor of the building Zing was in just happened to be the living room of a Central Intelligence Agent's house in 1941. The agent's name was Jerry Lawful, which was not his birth name. His birth name was actually, Awful, but he changed it to Lawful when he turned 20 because he felt Awful sounded way too Republican.

Agent Lawful had hired a maid by the name of Sally Boinking who came to clean his residence once a week. It just happened that Mrs. Boinking was in the middle of vacuuming the living room rug when she suddenly suffered a fatal heart attack. She fainted on the floor at which time Zing showed up with his time machine right on top of Mrs. Boinking. Actually, it wasn't right on top, the machine was more or less embedded in Sally Boinking. Needless to say, Boinking died immediately.

Once the time machine stopped whirring, Zing jumped out and ran out of the house which happened to have only Sally Boinking inside of it. He headed down to the nearest store which happened to be a Woolworths. He filled up a cart full of junk and then proceeded to the check out. Unfortunately, Zing never was very good at history and forgot that the US had been conquered by China in 2041, a time at which the Chinese forced the Americans to accept the Chinese language and currency as well as their own penchant for horrible driving.

The language barrier and Chinese yuan convinced the store clerk to notify the police who immediately arrested and charged Ziing with passing counterfeit money. A dead giveaway was the fact that the yaun did not have "In God We Trust" embossed on it.

It took several days before the police realized Zing was speaking Chinese and not trying to emulate a game show host. They brought in an interpreter to translate for Zing. The police were incredulous when they heard Zing's story, not about the time machine so much, but as to how Zing had no idea how to dry clean clothes.

They investigated CIA agent Lawful's house and found the time machine imbedded in Sally Boinkin. When asked about the situation, Agent Lawful told the investigating officers he thought nothing of Sally being imbedded in the time machine. He actually believed the time machine was one of those new fangled work out machines which Sally had recently bought. The investigating officers took note and then proceeded to add murder in the first degree to Zing's charges.

Since Zing's crime spanned multiple centuries, the CIA took over the investigation because it fell under their jurisdiction. Being the beginning of World War II, where the US found itself fighting the axis of evil which consisted of Germany, Japan and Italy, the CIA started using the newfound technique of air boarding in order to extract the ancient Chinese secret of clean laundry from Zing.

While they failed at their task of obtaining the ancient Chinese secret, they did extract from Zing the fact that genome technology had greatly advanced by the year 2041 and through various genetic engineering had developed a race of beings which were half white shark and half Government Services Administration accountants who the CIA realized could be used in handling the great white shark infestation at the Jefferson Memorial Tidal basin.

Using the time machine, the CIA sent an agent into the future, with Sally Boinkin still embedded into the machine, to steal the plans for the genetic engineering of white sharks and GSA accountants. Upon his return, the agent presented the CIA not only with the initial plans of his endeavor, but, also, plans to clone a traveling shoe salesmen with a donkey. This later discovery would be used to create a new race of Congress people in the 1990's. .

President Roosevelt was delighted at the idea and immediately utilized an executive order commissioning a top secret project to genetically engineer common white sharks with current GSA accountants. They named the project Accountark. Once brought to fruition the accountarks were released into the Jefferson Memorial tidal basin where they immediately set upon attacking the white sharks by inundating them with the benefits and duties of being a certified public accountant.

In no time at all, the entire frenzy of white sharks died of boredom.

Once completed, the project, Accountark, was completely erased from all government records. The only knowledge, being the surviving people who participated in the project and those who commissioned it. While no official records still exist, some surviving members claimed the accountarks were never eliminated as many had though,t but were given jobs on the congressional Means and Ways committee.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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