Rare Fuzzy Muzzy Baseball Card Found in Old Unused Crapper

Written by mikewadestr

Thursday, 7 April 2016

Hey!

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Rare Fuzzy Muzzy Baseball Card Found in Old Unused Crapper
There goes there another one!

A Dubuque, Iowa woman, named Chiseled Cream, came across a rare 1910 baseball card of Fuzzy Muzzy, who pitched for the St. Louis Louies. She found the card in an old unused toilet while cleaning out the basement in her 200 year old home.

"Fuzzy Muzzy was a phenom who showed up in the annuals of baseball history on June 1st, 1910", said excited baseball historian, Donnie Balk. "He was resplendent in his futility in his one and only major league pitching performance. He set a phelora of major league pitching records which still stand today. As a matter of fact, Fuzzy's first baseball game was, unfortunately, also, his last".

Fuzzy's trip to the major leagues was quite an anomaly. He had snuck into a game between the St. Louis Louies and the Rockville Rockies when a guard who had spotted him sneaking in, starting chasing him. He ducked for cover inside of the Louies' locker room and was shortly discovered, thereafter, by the team's manager, Al "Chaw" Tobacco, who mistook him for a minor league call up.

Apparently, the actual minor league player who was supposed to be at the game was their top Triple A pitching prospect, Freddy Stump, who never made it to the stadium because his horse broke down.

It just so happened, the people from Bottoms baseball card manufactured just happened to be on site to photograph the current team players with the intent of putting in the player's statistics later.

Fuzzy was photographed along with all the other players.

Fuzzy entered the game in the sixth inning, when, at the time, the Louies were behind 10 to zip.

In a nutshell, Fuzzy's major league pitching debut turned out to be the epitome of infamy in major league baseball history. He would face 102 batters, all of which would get on base and score without Fuzzy recording a single out, a major league record which still stands today. He would, also, set records for the most walks recorded, most consecutive walks recorded, most home runs recorded, most consecutive home runs recorded and the most bathroom breaks taken from the mound, to name some.

During one strecth of the game, Fuzzy let up 20 consecutive home runs. The team's radio announcer Mike Exaperatedski announced:

"There goes a back to back to back to back to back to back to back to backā€¦ oh fuck it, this guy is abysmal, I'm out of here" They would finish the game without a radio announcer which was just, being baseball would not broadcast on the radio for another 11 years.

After 6 hours of ineptitude the home plate umpire would invoke the "mercy rule", which did not exist at the time, and call the game in the Rockies' favor.

Shortly after the game, Fuzzy would be arrested and cited for entering the stadium without a ticket, a misdemeanor. Although the police did consider charging him with impersonating a major league pitcher, a felony, they would decline claiming "indifferent impunity".

Fuzzy's current card had been valued at 25 cents and will be put up at auction by Christy's on the 25th of May.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more