Christine O'Donnell To Lead Anti-masturbation Effort Under President Trump

Funny story written by XRhonda Speaks

Friday, 8 April 2016


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image for Christine O'Donnell To Lead Anti-masturbation Effort Under President Trump
The Anti-masturbation cross helps kids by reinforcing good Christian values

Appearing together at a campaign rally in South Dakota, Christine O'Donnell and Donald Trump announced their futuristic vision to stop masturbation before it ever happens with a new government agency: The Department Of Pre-jack. After they unveiled the plan to fight self abuse, The Don said of masturbation, "It's just disgusting if you really think about it."

With slogans like "Rubbing off is a sin" and "Masturbation is murder,"
Christine O'Donnell outlined plans to rid the country of non-reproductive sex acts as head of the yet to be created agency.

Pre-jack will use the newest predictive technology that can tell who is most likely to masturbate and when they will masturbate. O'Donnell explained: "The Department Of Pre-jack will collect data like web activity, credit card statements, and social media posts, then using heuristic analysis the DOP can issue alerts to law enforcement when a man is going to masturbate."

O'Donnell spoke after the rally to CNN's Anderson Cooper who asked O'Donnell why Pre-jack was geared toward stopping men from masturbating but not women. She replied, "Anderson, people need to know that for men and women, masturbation leads to homosexuality and atheism, but it's especially bad when a man does it because millions of sperms that could become babies die."

Suppressing laughter, Cooper followed up, "Behaviorists and sex experts tell us that masturbation is a natural human activity, but you say masturbation should be criminalized, and if that's so, what do you think the penalties should be?"

Responding, O'Donnell said, "Absolutely Cooper, there needs to be penalties for men who self abuse, but hand in hand with the criminal prosecution, there will be abstinence education for teenagers. We need to reach teens and intercept them before they fall victim to a lifetime of godlessness and sterility."

O'Donnell is also advocating for the use of the controversial Anti-masturbation Straight Jacket and the Anti-masturbation Cross for younger children. She told Cooper, "If you want your boys to avoid the Pre-jack system and prison time, this wonderful [cross] device keeps young kids from touching their sin parts while it reminds them of our savior Jesus Christ."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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