Death Of American Dream Brings Epiphany To Many
Thousands of Americans have experienced the epiphany of having the illusion of the American Dream drop from them like the cocoon from a butterfly, especially in the trying economic circumstances of the last few months. "It's like I've died and...
Read full storyGibson's Blow Up Doll Affair Revealed
Robyn Gibson estranged wife of Hollywood giant Mel Gibson has sensationally claimed the reason she left the veteran actor was due to his obsession with a blow up sex doll named Mrs Findley. "It was all so sudden" said Robyn of the unusual intrusio...
Read full storyPirate Bay pirates raid US ship
In Somalia, pirate geeks from the Pirate Bay company have stormed an American oil ship, demanding access to all their videos, MP3 files and other media. Traditional booty-seeking pirates have troubled the Indian Ocean around East Africa for many...
Read full storyDid Sarah Brightman lip-synch to Susan Boyle's singing in Phantom of the Opera?
LONDON, UK: A news story just breaking in England states that Susan Boyle has lip-synched for Sarah Brightman on many an occasion. A source connected with Andrew Lloyd Wright and Sarah Brightman's publicity people has said: "It's true. Miss Brightm...
Read full storyLesbian pushed over the edge
My head is twisted in this story! I was walking down a sidewalk when suddenly this girl comes out of nowhere and started kissing my best friend, and at first I thought she was a lesbian too. But actually it turns out she had a crush on me and missed and hit my friend and trust me I'm not a lesbian. Anyway she turned around pulled my arm took me all the way to her house pulled my pants down thre...
Read full storyMen Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
Except.. Since my business went titsup the missus has returned to work and I'm looking after the kids an the house whilst I sort a few things out. The thing is, I'm turning into her and she's turning into me. All of a sudden I've stopped watching re-runs of the Champions League and started watching Loose Women, and worst still I find myself agreeing with everything they say. The other...
Read full storyVicious dog attacks 'Cats' musical theatre stars
Tragedy struck the magical world of Musicals today as 2 acclaimed actors were savagely mauled by a dog. The 2 stars both currently appearing in the West End production of the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical "Cats", were attacked on leaving the theatre...
Read full storyAlex Ferguson launches new conflict with Benitez
Sir Alex Ferguson, manager of Manchester United, allowed his emotions to get the better of him last night as he launched a new battle of both words and actions against his long time foe, Rafa Benitez. Speaking live on TV Ferguson repeatedly referr...
Read full storyKashmiri separatists sign deal with the Devil. "In return for freeing us from 'oppressive Indian occupation' we will rename it as Kashmiri-stan and subject it to Sharia rule".
SRINAGAR, KASHMIR -INDIA: In what is tantamount to signing a proverbial deal with the Devil, Pro-Pakistan separatist leaders in Indian Kashmir have just signed a deal with the Taliban. A leader of a separatist umbrella group (which is actually...
Read full storyBritain's Got Charles Itandje
(Football Agent) Sky Andrews : "Hello Is that Piers Morgan?, It's Sky here, Calling from Liverpool, I'll get straight to the point, As a Goalkeeper he's fucking useless, and his behaviour at the Memorial has rightly been slammed, the way things are shaping up his Anfield Career is over. "But 'Every Cloud' and all that, it turns out the boy can Dance!, anyway I was thinking, can you get him on...
Read full storyMoles Aid Scientists to Find New Cure
In a strange turn of events, scientists have found that mole claws can be used to help cure the "common cold". The researchers that have discovered the new cure will not go into much detail about the events that led up to the discovery, but have hint...
Read full storyLiverpool Boss In Big Sam Drink Slight
Big Sam Allardyce has complained that Rafa Benitez did not meet him for a drink after the recent Liverpool v Blackburn match. "It's so typical of the bloke. Any decent English bloke knows a few beers after the match is the way it's done. He just i...
Read full storyNew F1 Rules to Come Into Force
Formula 1 controllers have, within the past half hour, announced new rules for the Formula 1 World Championship. From the beginning of the European season, in three weeks time in Barcelona, racing will be an optional part of the race weekend for the...
Read full storyScottish Meals On Wheels Scandal
A mmeals on wheels service is the centre of a storm tonight. A Scottish firm who claim that they provide tasty, fresh meals to the elderly have been caught out supplying Sainsbury's ready meals. Gordon Scottish, the well known headchef said "Fuck...
Read full storySusan Boyle the new Jade Goody says Britain's Got Talons! judge Piers Morgan
London - (Frightful Eyebrows Mess): "Sure bet he'd like to get his claws into that one!" was the only comment from Britain's Got Talons! judge Piers Morgan today following reports that voracious PR guru Max Clifford thinks frumpy lardass entertainer...
Read full storyA Man In Bunny Costume Caught Outside Britney's House
A man has been caught and arrested at the Britney Spears' home after neighbors reported a big rabbit looking into the singer's windows. "I was afraid to call at first", stated neighbor Robin Ackroyd because, I mean it sounds like a hoax and if thi...
Read full storyBritain's Got Talent singer, Susan Boyle announces engagement to Mel Gibson
Recently hired agent for talent show favourite, Susan Boyle has announced today that the Scottish singer has accepted a proposal of marriage from Mel Gibson. Gibson, whose wife recently filed for divorce, is now rumoured to have wooed Boyle, with...
Read full storySusan Boyle Kissed By Brad Pitt
LONDON - Susan Boyle, the 47-year-old singing sensation, who recently revealed on the British show, "Britain's Got Talent" that she had never been kissed was kissed by Brad Pitt. The Scottish lass received a phone call from Angelina Jolie who arra...
Read full storyInquest rules G20 protester died of 'abominable bleeding'
London - (ToldYouSo! Mess): A new post-mortem examination has overturned a 'natural' causes heart attack diagnosis of G20 protest newspaper vendor Ian Tomlinson's death and said the innocent bystander died of 'abominable bleeding'. An initial Cono...
Read full storyObama releases further memos, reveals Bush secret pizza recipes
Following the release of the memo's surrounding the "torture" of detainees held at the luxurious resort of Guantanamo Bay, President Obama ordered the further release of classified memo's today. A number of the memo's released appear to be recipes...
Read full storyHillary pimps The Comeback Kid
Santa Monica Lewinsky, Ca - (Reuterus & Horny Ass Mess): For a very reasonable $5 a pop Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is offering supporters the chance to enter a draw where the first prize is a whole day (and night?) with Bill Clinton. S...
Read full storyLiverpool Goalkeeper Charles Itandje In Trouble For Laughing At Hillsborough Memorial Service
Liverpool Football Club have initiated an investigation after one of their players, Charles Itandje, a reserve goalkeeper and a Frenchman, was seen laughing during the Hillsborough victim memorial service at Anfield on Wednesday. Quite what he was...
Read full storyPiratebay Pirates Sent to Pirate Jail for Being Pirates and Tax Evasion
The dying art of Piracy took another blow today as a website owned, run and championing the ways of Pirates were sent to Pirate Jail today. Captain Will Hardcastle and Yeoman Jake "Redbeard" Willingstaff had run the website in what they described...
Read full storyMonkey Woods to re-write 'The White Man's Burden'
Funny man (sic) Monkey Woods the 'overtly talented' and 'always right' Dudley Proof-writer is to write his memoirs about his struggle as Monkey Woods - 'Monkey Woods a Dudley White Man's Burden'. The writer, who is famous for proof-reading, juv...
Read full storyFerguson Misses The Target
Sir Alex Ferguson condemned Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez as arrogant and disrespectful earlier today. Benitez described Everton as a 'small club'. Ferguson said "No Liverpool manager has ever behaved in such a manner." Indeed. Bill Shankly never...
Read full storyParis Hilton Challenges Ashton Kutcher To Twitter Un-Follow
(Los Angeles-CA) Ashton Kutcher won in his contest with CNN breaking news feed in a race to one million followers on the social networking site Twitter. But Paris Hilton, who hasn't been in the news for over three days, has accepted a challenge from...
Read full storyBaroness Thatcher leaps into action in Somalia. 5 pirates dead, 12 wounded.
In what many are calling 'Her glorious swan-song', Baroness Thatcher today potentially launched an unexpected violent attack on a small boat of Somali pirates. Enjoying what could possibly have been her last free junket, Mrs Thatcher was flying 50...
Read full storyElvis Costello Signs For Chelsea Shocker
Chelsea FC caretaker boss Guus Hiddinck today unveiled his latest signing as none other than Declan MacManus, aka Elvis Costello, who once released a record, way back when, entitled: 'I Don't Want To Go To Chelsea.' Costello, who also sang about O...
Read full storyHoly Smokers Snort at 'Biblical Desecration' 卐
Thanks to The Gideons, historically The Holy Bible is a publication that is often seen as the cannabis smoker's and those deficient in toilet rolls last hope for salvation. In a move that will also leave dyslexic, insomniac, athiest hotel guests u...
Read full storyIan Tomlinson Killed By Copper
There was a significant development this afternoon in the Ian Tomlinson murder enquiry, when it was revealed that the newspaper seller who was just innocently ambling home from work that fateful day, WAS KILLED AS A RESULT OF POLICE ACTION. Mr Tom...
Read full storyTexas Threatens to Secede. Rest of Country: "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."
Austin, Texas - In recent statements, Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R) has suggested that the state of Texas might consider seceding from the Union in response to President Obama's national policies. The Lone Star State was once a republic, and Gov. Perry i...
Read full storyCelebrities Unsure Whether To Call Norwich Union Aviva Yet Or Not
A poll of celebrities by ITN has found that over 75% are not sure if they should be using the name Norwich Union or Aviva for the UK's largest insurance company. It follows months of advertising on TV and in newspapers and magazines saying that Norw...
Read full storyJames Bond's Licence To Kill Revoked
MI6 superspy James Bond has had his licence to kill revoked by Westminster magistrates. The 85 year old Bond, currently residing in a nursing home in Woking was reportedly not up to the job any more. Bond, who killed people with alarming frequency...
Read full storyFossilized Farts Found In Egypt
Dateline Cairo, Egypt - A storeroom housing about three dozen ancient Egyptian fossilized farts have been unearthed inside a 3,000-year-old tomb during the latest round of excavations at the vast necropolis of Mimfft, twenty one miles south of Cairo,...
Read full storySweden bans the word 'foreigner'.
It has been announced by Sweden's foreign office, that henceforth the words 'foreign' and 'foreigner' will be outlawed and exchanged to the people and E.U cash grant friendly friendly phrase: 'Immigrant/s that have yet to arrive on our shores'. Wh...
Read full storyObama Allows 100 Illegal Aliens To Fly Back To Mexico On Air Force One
CHICAGO - President Obama on his way to Mexico to meet with Mexican President Felipe Calderon decided to let 100 illegal aliens from the Chicago area fly with him on Air Force One. A White House spokesmen said that all 100 "Trespassers" were thri...
Read full storyRichard Simmons Denies Having Severe Case Of Hemorrhoids!
Exercise guru Richard Simmons on Oprah Thursday in a "Live Call-In", vehemently denied that he was suffering from hemorrhoids. "I have some but I don't suffer from them" reported Simmons. In fact, I have fun with my hemorrhoids by talking to them...
Read full storyEwe Tube To Close Down
World famous web site Ewe Tube is to close down at the end of this month. The site, founded by a consortium of Welsh farmers in 1998 has suffered a rapid decline in viewers and seen several advertisers pull the plug in recent months as a result of th...
Read full storyParis Hilton To Duet With Susan Boyle
In a strategic career move, it has been revealed that US heiress and celebrity Paris Hilton is to record a CD with Britain's Got Talent megastar in the making, Susan Boyle. Hilton told me: "Making a CD with Susan will hopefully boost my profile...
Read full storyRoy Turse Challenges Ashton Kutcher in Million Points Race
Roy Turse, the reclusive parody news writer for theSpoof.com has issued a challenge to celebrity Ashton Kutcher. It follows the star's win against CNN in a contest to be first to get a million Twitter followers. The new challenge is to write a st...
Read full storyGestapo 'amnesty' dismays campaigners
Human and civil rights groups in Germany are dismayed that Gestapo agents will not face prosecution over interrogation techniques in the Himmler era. Such techniques included electric shock torture, sleep deprivation, regular beatings, near-drowni...
Read full storyReligion 'not quite all it's cracked up to be'
Religious groups worldwide have been protesting after an unusual video was posted by an anonymous source on You Tube yesterday, showing Pope Benedict XVI sprawled on a bed with an anonymous man, muttering about various references to the Bible. The...
Read full storyPirate Book Founders Found Guilty - Sent to Jail
A court in Sweden has jailed several people behind The Pirate Book (TPB), also known as Below Decks, the world's most high-profile pirate-themed collaborative story, in a landmark case. The writers were found guilty of breaking decency laws and we...
Read full storySomali renegades behind Pirate Bay crude downloading fiasco
Gulf of Aden - (Captain Pugwash Mess) Renegade Somali tanker highjackers have been blamed for illicit crude oil downloadings in the notorious waters of Pirate Bay. The North African gangs have claimed to be helping millions by siphoning off Saudi...
Read full storyBritain's Got Talent Simon Cowell And Susan Boyle To Marry
Britain's Got Talent judge Simon Cowell stunned the showbusiness world in a Press conference this afternoon, by announcing his intention to marry the new Scottish singing sensation, Susan Boyle. Cowell "fell in love" with Susan after witnessing th...
Read full storyPhil Spector's hair turns state evidence and is given community service
Impresario and pop music lunatic Phil Spector, 180 was taken aback in court as he watched his former hair turn states evidence in his recent trial for murder. The blonde bob which started life on the head of celebrity crackpot and husky voiced old...
Read full storyBritain's Got Talent Susan Boyle Immune From Spoofery
Susan Boyle, the Scottish lady who appeared on last weekend's edition of Britain's Got Talent, has upset members of the international spoofing fraternity, after it was announced that the singer's story is so unbelievably ridiculous, that she is compl...
Read full storySusan Boyle: I am sorry for making fun of you
Dear Susan, With all the courage left in me at this time of recession and fear of losing my life for no mistake of mine, I am sorry to you for calling your name in the public. I am sorry for all the pre-judgment I had when I first saw you on the stage, I feel terrible in my stomach and whatever heart I am left with. With world around me judging for something that I have never done, something...
Read full storyOprah Winfrey: I will stay a virgin until I'm married
Los Angeles, CA - Oprah Winfrey has announced in her own magazine 'O' that she intends to stay a virgin until she is married "to set a good example for young women." Winfrey, who is 55 and a self made billionaire with a number of successful franch...
Read full storyMan City Defeated By Hamburgers
Manchester City have been knocked out of the UEFA Cup by Hamburgers, which raises serious doubts as to whether Mark Hughes is the right manager for the club. The UEFA Cup, to be renamed the Ropey League from next season onward, was a high priority...
Read full storyCanada to Introduce Shania Law
Toronto - Officials have announced that, after extensive pressure from the public, Canada is to introduce Shania Law. The new law, named after Canadian country singer Shania Twain, will be introduced on July 1 this year. "Some citizens were reall...
Read full storyThe Jackie Smith Guide To Being Home Secretary In 10 Easy Lessons
* Hire pornographic films on government expenses, then get your husband to take the blame to protect your job * Buy three houses on taxpayers' money, and fail to declare that you have * Claim you're tackling crime, then call police to investigate a tea boy publicising your office's gossip, costing the nation millions of pounds * Claim £300,000 in 'expenses', or what the public call 'theft...
Read full storySigns of earliest Scots drinking discovered
Archaeologists have discovered the earliest evidence of humans drinking in Scotland. Pint glasses were unearthed in a ploughed field in South Lanarkshire, and the discovery conjures up a picture of wandering groups of drinkers, making their way home...
Read full storyDiff'rent Strokes: The Movie (Quentin Tarrantino)
Is the world not sick of the resurrection of old TV show being turned into movies? Apparently not, according to cult film director, Quentin Tarrantino. In 2008, after attending the premiere of chick flick Sex In The City: The Movie, he decided his next project was going to be Diff'rent Strokes: The Movie, and carry out the diff'cult task of getting all the original actors back together for "the r...
Read full storyTaliban New Fatwa: Susan Boyle cannot Sing
Swat (Pakistan): Fearing a rise in the interest of women venturing out to sing after Susan Boyle inspirational achievement, the Taliban for the first time have been threatened. They have issued a fatwa banning her to sing ever in life. Recently th...
Read full storyBarack Obama joins the Trappist monks
American President Barack Obama today joined the Trappist Monks, monks who take a vow of silence. Long before he was elected he began practicing not saying anything, beginning with complete silence over a world event that not only every politician...
Read full storyNew 'Bonnie and Clyde' movie opens
'Bonnie and Clyde:Yes We Can' opened today in Los Angeles, to rave reviews from critics and audiences alike. In the movie the two gangsters dress up in smart clothes, and then go on a robbing and killing spree right across the United States of America. Bonnie Clinton and Clyde Obama get together a gang of crazy misfits, including 'Baby Face' Bill Clinton, Edward 'Machine Drink' Kennedy, Nancy '...
Read full storyTwitter named after Nazi Weapon
Shamed social networking site Twitter, admitted today that in actual fact they had indeed taken the name for their site from a prototype weapon developed by the Nazi's in 1943. The "Twitter Bomb" was regarded as Adolf Hitler's favourite design for...
Read full storyHairiness keeps Boyle in the limelight
Susan Boyle is a frumpy Scottish singer whose surprisingly powerful rendition of the song "I dreamed a dream" on Britain's Got Talent vaulted her to Internet stardom. Now, it looks as if she will get more than her allotted 15 minutes of fame, all due...
Read full storySusan Boyle to have Sex Change: I Want to Be a Proper English Lady
Britain's Got Talent surprise star Susan Boyle has recently been revealed to be a male. This revelation shocked viewers and judges alike, with exception of Simon Cowyle who is so gender ambivalent that he no longer sees nor hears sex. Boyle told...
Read full storyBrown Apologises Again for Beating Rhianna and Tory Opponents
Chris Gordon Brown just keeps dealing out whoop ass and begging forgiveness. Political observers and music critics close to the PM-Rapster and Sesame Street Tough believe that it is the new relationship with US politico-assassin Karl "BushBrain" Rove...
Read full storyLord Bentdubble Likebeggars III Decries Britons in Iraq
A third generation of English anti war poets have launched verse to denounce the political leaders who keep putting British troops in the hell hole called Iraq. In fact one noble family of bards, the Bentdubble Likebeggars have now produced a Grandda...
Read full storyGhost of Abraham Lincoln Flees White House
White House staffers claim that the legendary ghost of Abraham Lincoln, which has haunted the White House since Lincoln's death in 1865, fled when he saw a black man sleeping in his bed. For over 140 years White House guests have reported seeing a...
Read full storyObama Tortures Human Rights
Barack Obama has bravely released the scandalous evidence of Bush era torture crimes but then declared all CIA sadists immune from prosecution. A psychiatrist close to the President as in the distance of a chair from a couch finds in this kind of...
Read full storyPsychologists Identify 'Chronic Money Wasting Disease'
Psychologists have identified a new mental illness this week. Chronic Money Wasting Disease is a psychic illness in which the individual thinks nothing of wasting money. Mental Health authorities believe it to be highly contagious, so much so that en...
Read full storyMassachusetts Becomes a Red State
Boston MA: As part of the Obama Administration's new "tax the rich" redistribution of wealth program, all rich people will be required to relocate to Massachusetts, Rhode Island and Connecticut. The definition of rich is anyone with a net worth...
Read full storyJohn Edwards' Mistress Ready To "Meet The Press"
John Edwards' mistress Rielle Hunter is "ready for her close-up" with her first national TV interview since the cheating scandal wrecked his career, the NATIONAL ENQUIRER uncovered last fall, that dealt a blow to Edward's seeking the office of Presid...
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