Archaeologists have discovered the earliest evidence of humans drinking in Scotland. Pint glasses were unearthed in a ploughed field in South Lanarkshire, and the discovery conjures up a picture of wandering groups of drinkers, making their way home to their pibrochs after the Ice Age's closing time.
Tam Warf, from the Bignose Archaeological and Beer-Drinking Society, said: 'To push Scotland's drinking history back 4,000 years isn't really a surprise. We never set out to do that, we set out for the Thistle and Nettlerash near Biggar, but ended up sharing out our emergency supply of cans in a field near West Linton.'
'There may also have been a temporary camp site for alkies to get away from their wives, OK, there was, we set it up, and lit a large fire so we could boil up sheep's innards and blood mixed with oats and turnips for our supper. We have also discovered what may be a primitive still here in Glen Fiddich, one that is perhaps 3,000 years old, though it looks suspiciously like Jim's university chemistry set.'
Scots and Irish are world-famous for heavy drinking, but this is the first time what are technically known as 'raging bevvy merchants' have managed to put together a scientific thesis on the subject, mainly due to the fact that most Scottish and Irish scientists have been too busy experimenting with distillation techniques or mixing up the chemicals in their tea to have got round to it.
The University of Govan's Professor of Alkaeology, Sir Robert C. Buckfast, said: 'See thay bams in Lanarksshire, right, see thay and their high-falutin' archie macphersological findings, they're pish! Pure, unadulterated, total and utter shite!'
And his assistant, Reverend James Cottage-Stiller, added: 'Evidence seems to point to some sort of pre-Neolithic, hunter-gatherer alcohol production on a large scale in Scotland, DNA samples have shown that humans then were dying of cirrhosis of the liver as young as 10 years old. So nothing much has changed in 4,000 years.'
Female mammoths were seen wandering around Govan, looking for watering holes.