Funny man (sic) Monkey Woods the 'overtly talented' and 'always right' Dudley Proof-writer is to write his memoirs about his struggle as Monkey Woods - 'Monkey Woods a Dudley White Man's Burden'.
The writer, who is famous for proof-reading, juvenile acronyms, misplaced clichés and travelling on buses whilst rambling about people who are not like him, said yesterday "It is bout time people of the world knew my story. I'se jus' so sick of people not listening to my opinion. Yow no what I mean. I calls it loikes I sees it and also pick my bum".
Mr Monkey the receiver of the three white feathers for services to cowardice after challenging grand-mother of eight, Jamila Khan, 57, to a bare-knuckle fight on the 169 bus to Dudley College said "Yow sees me CD single ' Coon, Coon, Coon'is bout to go platinum in the charts and I'se jus wanna let people know about the real man behind the lyrics"
Woods, real name Monkey, uses a sound base of charientism melded together with good old -fashioned name calling as a basis for his satirical yet primitive stories about people much less physically advanced than himself. Always laughing at his own 'superior' wit and overly using dysphemisms; there is nothing he likes better than writing Paki, Nigger, Wog or Coon in many of his meretricious stories under the brittle veil of satire.
Woods said "racial name calling keeps people on their toes and as long as I'm not offended, who cares. If I was a nigger or paki-fella, I would be in stitches laughing at me own reflection, I wouldn't even need to watch a comedy programme or be told a joke or nuffink".
In a rare moment of quiet Woods reflected on his heroic life "I think people who don't have a chip on their shoulder or a Hijab on their head, will agree when I say...my life has been an inspiration to the majority of people in the world. I am the Midlands' answer to the late, overweight and thoroughly great Jade Goody. In fact I'm better because I have the capacity to always appear to be the victim, when in fact I am usually the orchestrator."
"On reflection I wouldn't say I have been a racialist, but then again I wouldn't say I have 'NOT' been. Can yow see how great I am, tricky with me words or what? Quicker than a coon at a football match dodging bananas and old tyres. There I go again. I keeps them comin'. In all I am a great lad, a fine example to people that resemble me and a even finer example to people that don't".
Woods continued "Okay I call a spade a spade I also call him a nigger, sambo, tar-baby, john-john, coon and Kunta Kente, but they love it you should see their little faces light up - if they weren't so unhygienic looking I hug em, but not the ones with the hajibs- I have my standards. Although I touch my bum and smell my fingers afterwards".
The agent for Mr Woods book Enoch Griffin said " Woods has had a tough life, but his rags to more rags story is an inspiration to all. It is thought a collection of Monkey Woods most 'controversial' stories - including the Niggers and Red Indian fight, India is a dirty unhygienic country, Muslim woman vomits on the bus and many more will be included in the masterpiece.
Fans will be 'chuffed' to find the identity of the mystery filthy Arab hygiene dodger, who upset Woods on his infamous bus journey, failing both to sexually arouse him and please his Dudley peepers. The fat old witch will be named, shamed and de-turbanised.
Monkey Woods told our reporter the Niggers in the city centre who fought for no apparent reason, with non-existent Red Indians have expressed their delight at his new book. Mr Woods said "they told me we are indeed a bunch of Niggers and the book is good. We hate laughing with people and love being laughed at by Monkey Woods as we are a bunch of Niggers- we will even stop playing rubbish music. Monkey is a saint and he can even call our mums Nigger any-time Cos we are a bunch of Niggers..he deserves it. He is sooooooooooo funnnnny!. His opinion is important to us, because we are a bunch of Niggers "
'Coon! Coon! Coon!' £4.99 is available at all good media outlets, the book will come out two weeks after Jade Goody's and one week before Jodie Marsh's latest offering.