Ian Tomlinson Killed By Copper

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 17 April 2009

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Police covering things up

There was a significant development this afternoon in the Ian Tomlinson murder enquiry, when it was revealed that the newspaper seller who was just innocently ambling home from work that fateful day, WAS KILLED AS A RESULT OF POLICE ACTION.

Mr Tomlinson had left work on Wednesday April 1st, and had the ultimate misfortune on his way home, to encounter police officers from the Metropolitan and City of London Police who were monitoring unruly protestors of the G20 summit. He stuck his hands in his pockets, to signify he was not part of the protest, but was SAVAGELY ATTACKED from behind by one of the officers, first with a truncheon, and then by being shoved in the back.

An initial forensic test carried out by Dr Freddy Patel, showed that Mr Tomlinson died of a heart attack, but a fresh examination, by consultant forensic pathologist, Dr Nat Cary, has now shown that the poor fellow perished after suffering an abdominal haemorrhage.

This means trouble for the pigs.

The use of truncheons by the police is restricted to situations in which the officer or a civilian is faced with a threat of violence or harm - either real or perceived - and where the use of a firearm would be seen as "excessive". Clearly, in the case of Mr Tomlinson, the officer responsible for his death perceived the sight of Mr Tomlinson walking along with his hands deep in his pockets after a day selling newspapers, as a significant threat to his person, and dealt him a disabling blow with his truncheon to the back of the legs, and, what turned out to be, a fatal shove in the small of his back as he fell.

Great police work, that.

The officer has now been suspended pending a cover-up.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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