Local Spoof News

17 May 2022

Weather Can't Make up it's mind

The weather can't make up its mind, say wags on Social Media. Hilariously funny people are complaining about the weather on Twitter again, news headlines reveal. Daily Mail Intern Tracy Gravy was given the onerous task of finding witty and pith…

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Man with Microphone still being ignored

Although he has a Microphone, highly religious bloke Gavin Williamson (no, not that one) is still being ignored in the high street on Saturday mornings. 'Yes' said Gavin 'I give up my Saturday mornings to tell complete strangers to stop doing what…

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Charlie Fairhead's Eyebrows

A new post-punk band has formed, and they are ready to play their first gig at Chutney On The Fritz's youth club on May 28th. Charlie Fairhead's Eyebrows, named after the long-suffering male nurse on BBC's Casualty, described their sound as a cros…

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Local man embarked on killing spree following 'comfortable trousers' letdown

A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London went on a murderous killing spree after a pair of trousers he'd ordered from a catalogue purporting to be, 'The most comfortable trousers you will ever buy' failed to live up to the claim. After tr…

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Busker still not singing any songs you know

Although he has been busking outside the window of an accountancy firm for more than two months, singer Bobby Falsetto has yet to play any songs that you know. Office receptionist Belinda Gotcha said ‘I am in my forties, and I just want him to pla…

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Tonic is the cool one

Although for years, Gin has been receiving all of the plaudits as the drink of choice for Hipsters, marketing people, and anyone wishing to jump on a fad before it disappears again, Tonic has been the silent partner, the one at the back, doing all of…

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My hatred for dithering old lady in post office exceeded that of Achilles towards Hector, says local man

Local man who angrily tugged trapped dressing gown cord from boxers hospitalised

Local naturalist denies inappropriate relationship with leafcutter ant

How did you see in the new year? by Mr Raymond Ving

Computer playing up, just to piss you off

That book could have been a bit shorter, say book group

Limahl looking forward to going on their 'Pointless' Tour

Man living his life like it is a choose your own adventure book, again

Dad makes same old tosser joke, again

Rick Astley and The Blossoms will perform the songs of Kajagoogoo

That pub band who play classic rock are still going

Teacher realises that it was also his time they were wasting

Cuddles the Monkey

News has reached us from the home of retired puppets that Cuddles the Moneky is in a bad way. Cuddles, famed sidekick of ventriloquist Keith Harris, and erstwhile enemy of comedy duck Orville is said to be looking back on his halcyon days as a bel…

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Man wants Laptop like they have in the films

Man about town Gavin Williamson (not that one) has said that he would like a new laptop, like the ones they have in the films. 'Yes' said Gavin, writing on his blog 'I would like one of those laptops like they always have in the films. One that is…

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Man wants comedy date like they have in the films

Following his recent demand for a computer like they have in the Films, the unfortunately named Gavin Williamson (no, not the one) has said he would like a comedy first meeting and or blind date like they in the films. 'Yes' said Gavin, writing on…

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Primark Bouncer Wonders where it all went wrong

Spending all day outside a Primark, security guard Barry Waldhorn is wondering where his life went wrong. ‘I just thought that as a bloke in my forties, I might have had more to show for it than this’ bewailed Barry through his moustache. ‘I di…

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Punk Rocker asking what that noise is

Punk Rocker Lee Fishcake, is asking a young man what that noise is. Fishcake, a man in his seventies who stuck it to the man in the 1970s with his rebellious ways, safety pin habit, and three career-killing facial tattoos asked ‘What the **** is t…

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Cool Kid still drinking in the same pub

Although it is now more than thirty years since you left school, and you only go back to your home town at Christmas, the cool kid is still drinking in the same pub. Shane Worthington, 47, once had the eyes of all of the girls, and some of the boy…

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Drunk Man talking to Stop Sign

There was excitement in Mithering on the Trent this evening, when Snotty Bob Gravy was so drunk that he mistook a stop sign for his old mate Andrew. ‘Bob Gravy is the town’s well-known lightweight, able to appear drunk after a pint of lager, so he…

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What do middle aged School friends talk about in the pub?

Middle-aged school friends Shane Worthington and Gary Johnson discussed all types of things during their weekly two pints meeting in the Cat and Dog Pub in Mithering on the Trent. The pair who first met as 11-year-olds at Chutney on the Fritz's Hi…

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Local mum forced to abort car journey after teen son leaves home without masturbating

A 39-year-old mother of two from Whitechapel in East London was forced to turn back ten minutes into a car journey after her 16-year-old son complained that he hadn’t masturbated before leaving home. Tracy Dell from Vallance Road, told The East Lo…

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Woman with dreadful taste in music has bought two new albums from the top ten

Mavis Davidson has always known that she has a bad taste in music, but for the first time in her life, she has actually bought two albums that are high in the music charts. 'Yes' said a clearly delighted Mavis 'I have the new albums by Steps and A…

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Chairleg Farago to play Chutney on the Fritz

Popular beat combo Chair leg Farago will be playing the Ferret in the Hamster Wheel in Chutney on the Fritz on Saturday, March 19th. The heavy metal group, with an average age of 67 and made out of Accountants from nearby Horsetrough will play the…

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Third local angler found slain: Police launch hunt for 'Jack The Kipper'

Following the discovery of the mutilated body of a third fisherman on the banks of the River Lea in East London, Whitechapel police have announced they have received a letter, believed to be from the killer, in which he outlines his motives and signs…

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Woman has the birdie song as an ear-worm

Penny Farthing, a 39-year-old woman about town has told people that she currently has The Birdie Song as an earworm. 'I had a really bad fever dream last night, remembering a family wedding, and seeing Uncle Derek dancing to the Birdie Song, and n…

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Funny and original woman claims Chocolate Orange is one of her five a day

As people across the country are starting their new year diets, one woman has found a hilarious and original way to eat chocolate and stick to her diet by posting on Fakebook 'Look everyone, having my five a day, LOL' accompanied by a photo of a half…

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